Life of Pride
Too much thinking and analyzing. Not enough doing.
Yes, I have sinned. But let me tell you a story about
God and what He has done in me.
Over the last two and a half weeks I have been tearing, absolutely tearing myself. I flopped every which way, analyzing and re-analyzing myself to elucidate my particular sins. I had done something pretty stupid, which in itself isn't that huge (I guess), but it was linked to a huge, imbedded rock of sin and fear. So I descended into numbing, spiraling depths of mental darkness, breaking over and over again. It got so I wished I was in Heaven right at that moment; I just wanted not to see my sin any more. I wanted the ripping to end.
--
"The Silence of God" by Andrew Peterson
It's enough to drive a man crazy; it'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder if he's ever been sane
When he's bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heaven's only answer is the silence of God
It'll shake a man's timbers when he loses his heart
When he has to remember what broke him apart
This yoke may be easy, but this burden is not
When the crying fields are frozen by the silence of God
And if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles have been nailed up to that cross
Then what about the times when even followers get lost?
'Cause we all get lost sometimes...
There's a statue of Jesus on a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden, as silent as a Stone
All His friends are sleeping and He's weeping all alone
And the man of all sorrows, he never forgot
What sorrow is carried by the hearts that he bought
So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God
--
I was feeling the recriminations of sin. And the reason I was breaking over and over again is that I hadn't yet really repented. The fact is, I had forgotten who I am and who God is.
I was content this summer up until Friday before last, when I heard about my job in VA. Then all went crazy. This is because I have been believing that I am supposed to be in VA in order to invest a talent in movie-making. Now, I couldn't know that was the truth until I actually heard about the job, so I was leaving all future plans in a "holding pattern." Not yes. Not no.
Once I knew, I should have instantly dived into rewriting my screenplay. I knew I was supposed to do this. But I procrastinated. I did everything, absolutely everything, except that - even trying to work on another writing project. It was all dead. Everything was dead. Nothing in the world felt alive or fun. But that was all a lie. The truth was,
I was dead. I was blind to the fact that I was avoiding my task out of pure fear - fear that I couldn't do it. And so I was denying God because, if it was His task, it was going to happen no matter what.
I visited Ashlea Davenport in KY this past week, and I cannot communicate my admiration and appreciation for her as a friend. World, if you ever have the privilege to know Ashlea, you are blessed. Every time I have known her in my life, she has cared for me and helped me grow stronger in God. This week, her friendship kept my soul from dying and twisting in agony. We talked for hours, went to the play "Hello Dolly," ate out, ate in, watched movies, and just lived.
And I visited the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY. A brief window of peace and joy in the darkest week of my life.
Somehow, by God's grace alone, today I broke for the last time. I left the house to spend the afternoon writing in St. Louis Bread Company and Starbucks. "Lord God," I prayed, "if you want this screenplay written - you write it!"
Today I put together 18 pages between 1:00pm and 9:30pm, by far my new life record. I have been God's pen! I am simply blown away, and I am riding high.
Actually, it's almost funny. I was encouraged to know I was finally on the right track when I was heading out this afternoon, because all these little... coincidences... came cropping up. I had a headache, so I felt sleepy. I couldn't find my flip-flops anywhere at all, and I had to wear sneakers outdoors in the 90+ degree MO humidity. My car was parked into the driveway by the other kid car, and my brother was asleep and unable to move it. Then I tried to go to the Borders cafe first, but it was closed until July 2nd. Last, after I relocated to St. Louis Bread Company, I found I had left my laptop power cord home - something I never do. It all reminded me of precisely similar occurrences last spring while I was writing my senior History project. Demonic attack? I think yes.
The reason that this is not wholly funny is that I still have much more story to write. Considering the mountain I have been living underneath for weeks, I know that these last-ditch efforts yesterday are not by far all the tools at the enemy's disposal.
Lord, help me! Preserve me in this new courage and sight!
I am completely unable to desire good on my own. Once I desire good, I have no power to repent. Once I repent, all I deserve is punishment nonetheless. I have no power to fix the bad results of my sin, and no strength to do better in the future. I am totally undeserving even to be aware of my condition. I hate it once I see it. I hate me! Oh, Lord, to be free from this body of death!
And in response, Isaiah 55:
"Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.
"Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.
"Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.
"Behold, I have given him for a witness to the people, a leader and commander to the people.
"Behold, thou shalt call a nation that thou knowest not, and nations that knew not thee shall run unto thee because of the Lord thy God, and for the Holy One of Israel; for he hath glorified thee.
"Seek ye the Lord while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
"Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him: and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
"For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
"So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.
"For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountaisn and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
"Instead of the thorn shall come up the fir tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree; and it shall be to the Lord for a name, for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off."
Oh Lord, I have never before felt with such intensity the grating between the life I live and the perfect life You have allowed me to glimpse. I am torn with such sorrow and shame! Yet You see me as washed and pure because Your Son stands before me in Heaven. I beg You to work Your sanctifying grace in me now, at this moment.
I am gonna go write! I have wasted too much time this last semester.
What am I?
I am a GEEK!!
What do I want to do?
I WANT TO MAKE A MOVIE, STINK IT!
I want to finish everything that I have started and left incomplete over the last few years because I was weak on my own power. This includes:
- facilitating the stinkin' Honor Code stuff at PHC, if possible. I think it is. I'm not a student any more, but I can still talk to influential students.
- helping the student Tech Commission to fix up the senate website. Should be a good item for me to advise on, since I will be a webbie for PHC.
- finishing the half-dozen stories I have left half-completed on my computer. I outlined one of them tonight. It is going to be a pretty good book when it is done.
- finishing my screenplay and making my movie! God willing, I ought to make local contacts this summer with Mr. Escobar's project.
- writing my epic trilogy
- researching the origins of the world
- joining a church (Grace!) and volunteering for music and/or Sunday school
- finishing my History major!
- embarking on grad school 'cause I might want to teach at the college level someday
- visiting South America where the Incas lived!
It appears to me that I have already begun most of my life projects. Some of them will just take a little longer to finish than others. This all ought to keep me busy, what do you think?
I think I overreacted a
little bit. I'm not sure a nun is the right image. I don't know what is. But I know that to live fully I need to find the path of self-governance and contentment in a world of temptation, not to avoid the world altogether. Being a nun for three years is ridiculous.
I just need to admit that I don't have a clue how to handle my emotions properly and pour it all out in dependence on God. My rules below hold, except the one about avoiding guy friendships.
Some guys, yes, I will avoid. Most guys, no.
As of last night, I think I have come to another culminating point of my life, one of those epiphanies that changes everything that comes after. When I was 17, I vowed that I would always put my hand up in support of God, no matter what it cost me. When I was 20, I told Jesus that He was my Lord, not just my Savior. Now I am 23, and I think I understand what singlehood means. It is not being alone. It is the amazing opportunity to be married to God. Like a nun, a temporary nun.
The fact I haven't wanted to accept for years is this: I have work to do on my own for a while. That's the way God made me. I can do so many things all at once. It is time just to let them all out. It is like a very tall woman unconsciously stooping because she is embarrassed that God made her so tall. She can't help it. Neither can I. Why handicap myself?
I have a full-time job now, and I plan to be involved in movie projects and graduate work as well. This coming year, God willing, I will take two history classes at PHC each semester and finish up my History major. So for three years at least, I will be very, very busy. I
mustn't get distracted.
But I know I am prone to distraction, particularly emotional distraction. So I must plan ahead of time and protect myself in ways that people who do not have this problem don't have to do. Kind of like a recovering alcoholic.
This is what I think it means to be married to God for this time:
- I will not flirt with any man or hold excessively long conversations with only him.
- Nor will I cheat on God by indulging mental fantasies of any sort, no matter how harmless they seem.
- I will strive to use all my energies in His service.
- I will embark on a regimen of discipline - body, mind, and soul - to make myself more pleasing to Him.
- I will speak to Him daily in prayer and listen to His replies in His Word.
Extra measures I will have to take:
- I will make friends with only girls and keep guys at the acquaintance level, with the exception of those few I already know are "safe" for me.
- I will refrain from dancing during this season.
- I will try to anticipate empty blocks of time and prepare for them with volunteer work or scheduled activities.
I know that I will find every one of these resolutions difficult. At times, some will be tested to the utmost, and I will question their validity. But this is where I start. I think it is the first step to really enjoying life.
And as a short little post (a pleasant change from late!), I really don't have any idea where my life is gonna end up or what's gonna happen. A little topsy-turvy makes things interesting, I say.
All right already, way too much introspection. I'm depressing me! Time for a post of truth. That means, Bible-focused.
Before summer began, I prayed to know my focus verses for these months. For whatever reason, I felt led back to my "calling" verses, Jeremiah 1:4-10:
"Then the word of the Lord came unto me, saying, Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. Then said I, Ah, Lord God! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. But the Lord sid unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shal send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak. Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the Lord.Then the Lord put forth his hand, and touched my mouth. And the Lord said unto me, Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth. See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant."My words and creativity had totally disappeared during the semester, but now I find it is all back, better and richer than ever. But still, I've been wrestling fruitlessly with these verses. That's not what I wanted. I wanted something else. So I was wasting many hours with fruitless, passive introspection instead of working on the tasks before me. When I do work on my screenplay I feel joyful... complete.
This past weekend after I heard about my job, I felt like I needed to pray something I didn't think could possibly happen. I had no rest until I prayed it, and then I basically wrestled over my unbelief for two whole days. "Lord, help my unbelief," I prayed. "Increase my faith." I felt utterly miserable, and I asked again to be led to the verses I needed. I opened my Bible and found the series of Psalms that God gave me two months ago at another time when I didn't see any goodness - Psalms 144-150:
"Lord, what is man, that thou takest knowledge of him! or the son of man, that thou makest account of him! Man is like to vanity: his days are as a shadow that passeth away" 144:3-4
"The eyes of all wait upon thee; and thou givest them their meat in due season. Thou openest thine hand, and satisfiest the desire of every living thing." 145:15-16
"Praise ye the Lord. Praise the Lord, O my soul. While I live will I praise the Lord: I will sing praises unto my God while I have any being." 146:1-2
"Praise ye the Lord: for it is good to sing praises unto our God; for it is pleasant; and praise is comely. . . . He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds." 147:1-3
"Praise ye the Lord. Praise ye the Lord from the heavens: praise him in the heights. Praise ye him, all his angels: praise ye him, all his hosts. . . . praise . . . praise . . . praise . . . praise." 148
"Praise ye the Lord. Sing unto the Lord a new song, and his praise in the congregation of saints." 149:1
"Let every thing that hath breath praise the Lord. Praise ye the Lord." 150:6
I also found myself attracted inexorably to Hebrews 11:
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."This is especially meaningful considering last semester's theme verses, Romans 5:1-5:
"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope; And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."From the looks of things, "faith" and "hope" are interchangeable. If I am asking for faith now, it is the next progression after last semester's constant request for patience. My tribulations were working that patience. After all the waiting, the connection between that and "hope" is "experience." The light at the end of the tunnel? Or the light at the end of previous tunnels? I already feel the "love of God" being "shed abroad" more easily and profusely, to my joy.
I read a useful quote today from the book
Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow: "Noah didn't just accept the fact of God's Word intellectually. He put 'feet to his faith' and began pounding nails. With each nail he was affirming, 'I believe You, God.' True faith is always active" (142).
So the summation is obvious - I need to continue to concentrate on the writing in front of me and praise God as He works out His good for me, as He always does, on His own timing.
Frankly, I think my paralyzing emotional attack that came out of nowhere was Satan's attempt to keep me from a task that will have tremendous good for God's kingdom. I felt the same thing all last spring when I was working on my 99-page senior History project. I should be flattered. If so, the old lion has already lost, because the more miserable I feel, the tighter my death grip on God becomes.
This post was written in emotion, and I don't think it was wise. So I have deleted it. I apologize.
Nicole asks: "I thought you'd comment more about graduation, though. (Feel free to reflect; I'm probably not the only one who likes hearing this stuff.)"
I didn't post about graduation because I was emotionally numb and exhausted that weekend. I think the numbness is a defense mechanism when I expect to feel pain otherwise. I did post a few times ago that my heart broke this last semester... Yeah.
So I could report facts about graduation. The weather was perfect. At the ceremony before Commencement where the faculty and staff committed us graduates to the Lord, both Dr. Hake and Dr. Farris prayed for me, which made me cry. I lined up with a lot of people, most of whom I don't know very well because I actually belonged to the previous class, and because many on the roster of graduates lived off-campus this year. I cheered for other people while grabbing for my hat to keep it from blowing off in the wind. Then I walked across the stage, grinned for the photographer, and shook Dr. Walker's and Dr. Farris's hands with a heartfelt, "Thank you!" for all they've done.
My dad and several siblings had driven over for my graduation, which was a tremendous blessing. They provided a happy cushion from the world around me, which I was ignoring. We packed and cleaned and started driving Sunday morning.
Meanwhile, I was hanging in limbo on many fronts. How long would I be home? Could I mentally commit to anything? Not really. I felt tender, fragile, and... raw. My gut was telling me that I had unfinished business at PHC and that this wasn't really the end of anything, but I had no rational proof to back up the feeling.
Nicole also asks if I still have plans for grad school? Yes, absolutely. I am fascinated with Bible, theology, philosophy, and culture, so I will probably be starting a distance-learning Master's from Covenant Theological Seminary sometime in the near future, possibly fall of 2008. I don't want to make a permanent career out of movies or even public affairs stuff, which is my new job. I think I am most fitted to be a pastor's wife, to homeschool a large family, and to write fiction (books, screenplays, or both) that points people inexorably to God. I've discovered in myself a hunger for evangelism and for teaching. I would love to lead women's Bible studies; I've been wanting to lead Bible studies for several years now.
Right now I am diving into movie stuff because I've always loved movies, and it would always be a huge "What if?" in my life if I didn't. Besides, I think these next few years are likely to be the only window of my life where I have the leisure to do so.
Sometimes I think I can catch glimpses of my entire life. When I was a freshman at PHC, one time Dr. Gruenke gave a women's chapel about singlehood. She was 27 then, and I remember thinking, "I could never wait until I was 27 to be married!" Just then I got one of those weird itchy "Oops!" feelings that hasn't gone away since. You wait. I'm gonna be 27 when I am married.
I've been ripening a whole other fictional world in the back of my brain for three years now. It's called Erthe, and it's gonna result in an epic trilogy. My goal to finish that is by age 30. I have to get through this movie stuff first. Mr. Escobar has a few potential screenplays in the back of his mind, and one of them really resonates with me as well. It's about last spring at PHC.
After age 30, I don't even have hazy plans, except one need that's been on my mind - Hollywood. Not for moviemaking, but as a mission field. Christians tend to think of Hollywood as "them," the enemy, not as people who need God. But if the excellent moviemakers over there became Christian, they could do the Christian moviemaking. I suspect that most of those folks are used to antagonistic Christians and have never really heard the Gospel. Will this be one of the battles I participate in? I don't know.
Another need I see that could be answered in middle age is to write about how the growth of divorce in America has given no moral ground for Christians to stand on when we want to argue against homosexuality. Family life is really the center of all that's good because God made it to image Him, and so Satan attacks there first. That is also why sexual sins are so disturbing and cause so much guilt, because proper sexual relations image God so beautifully. But to write about this I need a husband who cares even more about such matters than I do, and I need a family.
I also have a strong heart for the condition of American education, and for how so many happy little children are turned into miserable, confused young people. I have absolutely no idea at this point what I can do in this area.
My old-age project is to write the Christian prehistory of how everyone spread out from Babel to where they are now, or to facilitate someone else writing it. The evidence exists. I spent a few years learning enough to satisfy myself that the world's history does, indeed, have a solid, rational starting point that doesn't include millions of years. I want to write the book that will convince others, but for that I need a solid reputation first. Thus, an old-age project, after I have accumulated much knowledge, wisdom, and skill.
I want a love who has a strong heart for God first, and who possesses great courage and a huge wealth of sympathy for the lost. I want a strong man who understands the world without letting it spot him, either through bitterness or through compromise. I want to stand by his side and help keep him strong and clean.
I want a beautiful, loving, hospitable family and house, always ready to welcome others.
Now, with all the sorrow out there, why should I expect that all these things will happen? Why should I deserve them? Why would God give me such gifts? Shouldn't I resign myself to less, because this is a fallen world?
It's like my job. On the gut level, I believe that these things will occur. I am an optimist. On the rational level, I am a pessimist.
Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.
Gosh, I'm sleepy. I just finished eleven hours of road trip to pick up my three youngest siblings from their Worldview Academy camp waaay at the opposite end of Missouri. But I have happy, good news. The end of one little saga is almost over, and another begins soon. Starting over Christmas break, I tried to step out in a direction I had never tried before - moviemaking. It was a vague, fearful step because I had no idea where it would land me. I also prayed for patience and understanding.
Over the course of the last several months, I have learned that I am mostly fascinated with
writing movie stories, just as I have been drawn to write stories of all sorts for the last eleven years of my life. I want to learn how to use a camera and video-editing software, but that is not my passion.
So anyway, during the process of figuring this out I became convinced that I should stay in the northern Virginia area, since that's where my movie project mentor is planning to run five independent movie projects over the next three years. Problem is, as I know from previous experience, just 'cause I am convinced of something doesn't mean that everyone else has the same message. My mom could not see it at all, and so my parents would not support this decision at first. I felt more alone and confused than I ever have in my life. So I grew up.
See, I prayed two things - "Lord God, close all doors but the one I should go through," and, "Lord, let me know what you want me to do only when I
need to know." These prayers led inevitably to two more things - lots of rejection and lots of waiting. I applied for a few different jobs at PHC, and I was turned down for each one. Did this mean that God was closing the door on my plan? Was it all a crazy impulse of my own? Could I trust absolutely none of my faculties, my perceptions, my wants and desires? How should I lead life? What was my purpose, since I had turned down grad school for this coming fall?
A week and a half before finals, Dr. Hake sent around an email about a new job opening up soon in Communications. It involved writing, editing, graphics & layout ability, and Internet skills. Huh - funny. My exact skill set, since I have worked for my parents' magazine for years, Internet programming is one of my most favorite hobbies, and I was Public Affairs Officer of the year for the entire state of Missouri when I was in Civil Air Patrol.
I replied to the email immediately and was told that the job opening hadn't actually been formally posted yet. So I waited another week. In the middle of finals, the formal announcement came around, and I shot off my cover letter and resume again, along with a potpourri of writing samples.
Finals ended. That Wednesday, three days before graduation, I had my interview with Mr. Halbrook. We talked for an hour about everything in the world. He told me I would probably know in a month.
I drove home with my family, and the waiting began. It became more and more clear in these weeks just how impossible it would be for me to head back out to VA if I didn't get this job. Really, my plans hinged around this key point - did I get the job or not?
A week and a half ago my pastor preached an excellent sermon about praying. He spoke on the text about the widow who pesters the unjust judge until she gets justice. "We should PUSH - Pray Until Something Happens," he said. So I started praying three times a day for this (and other things), which turned into nonstop prayer some days.
Tuesday of this week I had a second interview for the job via phone. Apparently, Dr. Farris gave me a sterling recommendation, and other people everywhere were speaking up for me as well. Mr. Halbrook said I would know by the end of the week.
Today I had just stopped with my siblings at a Wendy's in the center of Missouri when my cell phone rang. It was Mr. Halbrook. And
I got the job!!!! God is so amazing. So is Dr. Farris. :D I will be heading east the first week of July, and
my job begins in the second week.
There are no words, really, although I just used plenty.
