All right already, way too much introspection. I'm depressing me! Time for a post of truth. That means, Bible-focused.

Before summer began, I prayed to know my focus verses for these months. For whatever reason, I felt led back to my "calling" verses, Jeremiah 1:4-10:
"Then the word of the Lord came unto me, saying, Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. Then said I, Ah, Lord God! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. But the Lord sid unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shal send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak. Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the Lord.Then the Lord put forth his hand, and touched my mouth. And the Lord said unto me, Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth. See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant."

My words and creativity had totally disappeared during the semester, but now I find it is all back, better and richer than ever. But still, I've been wrestling fruitlessly with these verses. That's not what I wanted. I wanted something else. So I was wasting many hours with fruitless, passive introspection instead of working on the tasks before me. When I do work on my screenplay I feel joyful... complete.

This past weekend after I heard about my job, I felt like I needed to pray something I didn't think could possibly happen. I had no rest until I prayed it, and then I basically wrestled over my unbelief for two whole days. "Lord, help my unbelief," I prayed. "Increase my faith." I felt utterly miserable, and I asked again to be led to the verses I needed. I opened my Bible and found the series of Psalms that God gave me two months ago at another time when I didn't see any goodness - Psalms 144-150:
"Lord, what is man, that thou takest knowledge of him! or the son of man, that thou makest account of him! Man is like to vanity: his days are as a shadow that passeth away" 144:3-4
"The eyes of all wait upon thee; and thou givest them their meat in due season. Thou openest thine hand, and satisfiest the desire of every living thing." 145:15-16
"Praise ye the Lord. Praise the Lord, O my soul. While I live will I praise the Lord: I will sing praises unto my God while I have any being." 146:1-2
"Praise ye the Lord: for it is good to sing praises unto our God; for it is pleasant; and praise is comely. . . . He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds." 147:1-3
"Praise ye the Lord. Praise ye the Lord from the heavens: praise him in the heights. Praise ye him, all his angels: praise ye him, all his hosts. . . . praise . . . praise . . . praise . . . praise." 148
"Praise ye the Lord. Sing unto the Lord a new song, and his praise in the congregation of saints." 149:1
"Let every thing that hath breath praise the Lord. Praise ye the Lord." 150:6

I also found myself attracted inexorably to Hebrews 11: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

This is especially meaningful considering last semester's theme verses, Romans 5:1-5:
"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope; And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

From the looks of things, "faith" and "hope" are interchangeable. If I am asking for faith now, it is the next progression after last semester's constant request for patience. My tribulations were working that patience. After all the waiting, the connection between that and "hope" is "experience." The light at the end of the tunnel? Or the light at the end of previous tunnels? I already feel the "love of God" being "shed abroad" more easily and profusely, to my joy.

I read a useful quote today from the book Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow: "Noah didn't just accept the fact of God's Word intellectually. He put 'feet to his faith' and began pounding nails. With each nail he was affirming, 'I believe You, God.' True faith is always active" (142).

So the summation is obvious - I need to continue to concentrate on the writing in front of me and praise God as He works out His good for me, as He always does, on His own timing.

Frankly, I think my paralyzing emotional attack that came out of nowhere was Satan's attempt to keep me from a task that will have tremendous good for God's kingdom. I felt the same thing all last spring when I was working on my 99-page senior History project. I should be flattered. If so, the old lion has already lost, because the more miserable I feel, the tighter my death grip on God becomes.  ¶ 1:39 PM