Life of Pride
What a week. It began Monday with the March for Life in DC. I am Member At Large of the Sanctity of Life (SoL) club here at PHC, so I delighted to attend this event. Thousands of folks filled Constitution Avenue to overflowing; everywhere sounded the chant, "Hail Mary, mother of Christ..." from all the Catholic schools in attendance. We PHC folks added our singing voices to the clamor every once in a while. My keenest memory is when we ended in front of the Supreme Court building. One group of women stood holding signs that read, "I regret my abortion." They wore sad, but proud, expressions. I wanted to give them a hug.
Tuesday and Thursday I worked at the scanner job in the kitchen for four hours each, and then had Chorale for another hour and fifteen minutes. By the end of Thursday I could hardly walk.
Tuesday evening I finally decided I would try out for the semester's play (
A Tale of Two Cities) wholeheartedly. I prepared an audition song that showed a range of notes and that showcased my lower range especially. Then on Thursday afternoon after Chorale I did my acting audition. In the ten minutes before it began, I went into the bathroom and poured out my heart to God, because I really, really wanted a significant part. I remembered how the last time I tried out, for
An Ideal Husband, I choked up and did terribly. But this time it went very well indeed. I am delighted with my audition, whether or not I am given a part. God is good; it was only His strength and ability that gave me courage.
Today I made the decision to change churches. I've been wrestling over it with agony for a few months now. It's a big change, since I've been attending Loudoun Baptist Temple for four years now. I can't relate all the reasons for and against here on this blog, since they are numerous, but today in my second semester visit to Grace Community Church God finally helped me settle it. I think I am making the correct decision to switch to Grace, even though my heartstrings still tear at the thought of leaving behind some of the folks at LBT. I realize that I am not saying a permanent goodbye. I fully intend to see them again in the future.
I am still waiting to hear about audition results. I am eager to know if I have a part, since that will significantly impact the rest of my semester plans.
It's been much longer than a week since classes started. It's gotta be. A lot has happened. I've talked to dozens of people about my movie project and found out that there is indeed significant interest in producing it. So far so good. I'm on the 22nd page of (unformatted) screenplay. Sometime soon I need to start formatting it to find out how many pages I actually have. It would be awkward to think I'd finished the thing, only to find I had another 20 pages or something to create.
I'm trusting God with everything. Saturday and Sunday my brain was just weary, and I was seriously depressed. God drew me back to Himself on Sunday. My pastor read these verses during service:
Who is among you that feareth the Lord, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness, and hath no light? Let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God. Behold, all ye that kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks that ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand; ye shall lie down in sorrow. ~ Isaiah 50:10-11
This has been my struggle. I can't see my future. I don't have the slightest clue where I'll be or what I'll be doing in May. What I didn't understand was that I only
think I know where I'll be or what I'll be doing tomorrow. God could turn everything upside-down in an instant. Only He knows. See, the man in the verses above is fearing the Lord, obeying the voice of his servant,
and walking in darkness. He's not sinning. He just lacks light.
So I began to wonder, where do I find light? And then I read this in Psalms 119 during personal devotions:
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. ~ Psalms 119:105
God's Word will give me light. What its light has shone me is my own sin, which has been blocking my fellowship with my Creator. I've erected idols and tried to turn to them for satisfaction instead. I've kindled myself a fire, and I've lain down in sorrow. God wants me back. And He knows exactly what I need at this moment.
I am back at PHC earlier than expected, because I wanted to avoid the ice storm that was blowing through the Midwest. It is no fun driving in ice storms. Nathan C., for example, spun off the road twice during his own drive from OK. But I set off just ahead of the storm, and so I managed to miss it. God is good. And so are Ashlea and the Bode family, each of whom put me up for a night. I am so blessed. :)
I have a few goals for this new semester. Fundamentally, I want to invest in people. I've been asking God daily to teach me about love for several months, and what He's been showing me is how much I need to improve. I look down on other people and judge them, and all the time
they are the ones making a real impact in others' lives. This humbles me more than I can say. I see how I haven't let myself be vulnerable with people, how my pride has held me back. I have been willing to help (on my own schedule), but not to let myself be helped by others. I have held myself apart and erected barriers.
Also, I want to make a movie. I have several motives for this. First, I have a vision for moviemaking that nobody else seems to grasp: I want to make real movies, real entertainment, about real Christian problems. Movies by Christians for Christians, about the struggles we all face. I sometimes think that we all don't want to admit to each other that we struggle. But when we don't admit it, all we do is isolate ourselves and fragment the body of Christ. This sort of movie could bring Christians together.
Second, I want to invest in my own talents. Last semester my church had a "Kingdom Project"; we were given $100 and told to make it into more. I did airport runs at Thanksgiving and brought back more than $300 to my church. The project made me realize in a fundamental way that all the talents I have are God's on loan. I've been talking about moviemaking and thinking wistfully for years that I would be good at it. But I never have. Why not? It's fear of failure, pure and simple. I've been like the third guy in the parable: "For I feared thee, because thou art an austere man: thou takest up that thou layedst not down, and repest that thou didst not sow." Or perhaps even more so, I didn't recognize my talents as God's, and I feared what others would think of failure. But frankly, there is no way to fail. I will learn an incredible amount no matter what, and so my current talents and abilities will grow into more. This is a fact.
Third, I want to invest in others' talents. There are so many skilled and gifted people on campus who need an opportunity to bring their abilities together. I think I can provide that, if God will point them out.
Some facts about talent-growing have recently sprung out to me in bits of Bible I have read. I share them here:
"If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples" (John 15:7-8).
"But that on the good ground are they, which in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it, and bring forth fruit
with patience" (Luke 8:15).
"Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit
in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper" (Psalms 1:1-3).
From these verses I see that we are fruitful when we are abiding in Christ, being watered by His Word day and night. And the fruit takes time to grow; patience in well-doing is key. I pray that God will give me joy in His Word so that my project will glorify Him and be a blessing to myself and others.
Do you know what a blessing it is to be able to exercise hard? What a joy it is to run that first lap on the track at the gym after I am warmed up, when it feels like flying! How wonderful to feel the strength coming back into my body.
After last year, I cherish every moment of exercise. Last spring I was getting back into Tae Kwon Do in order to earn my 2nd dan black belt. Just as it started to feel comfortable again, I developed a muscular imbalance. A tendon on the side of my right leg tightened up, pulling my kneecap slightly off and bringing back the familiar patellar pain from when I was eighteen. For a month or more I couldn't bend or straighten my knee without feeling a serious jolt in the front of the joint. I could hardly walk, never mind exercise. Standing up or sitting down was a nerve-wracking event.
Then we had the trouble diagnosed, and I went through physical therapy successfully. My full freedom of motion regained, I entered the summer Frisbee league for the St. Louis area. I was the worst on the team because I was most out of shape, but after a few months I had improved enough to hold my own. Then three weeks before I returned to school, I broke my ankle in a game. Again, no serious exercise was possible.
A new college semester is not a good time to
begin an exercise program, especially when one is producing a play. Still, I managed to keep up a maintenance level fairly well.
I entered break hopefully, with big plans to dive into exercise. However, I also entered break with a serious cough, which only became worse. My left lung wheezed audibly when I breathed. Again, I could hardly walk, never mind run. Finally, after ten days and a batch of antibiotics, my lungs were clear enough to exercise.
So here I am. Temporarily at least, my body is functioning and healthy. I am enjoying every second of it and praising God. And you know the funny part of it? I praise God for the unhealthy times as well, and this is why:
- My knee trouble in the spring occurred while I was writing my 99-page history project, keeping me from spending certain hours exercising in the gym. I used all that "free" time, all the way up to my deadline, to finish my project. Literally. I had just enough time.
- The week before I broke my ankle, I had the opportunity to go to a pub with members of my Frisbee team and talk to them about God and Christianity. The two weeks after I broke my ankle, I drove the half an hour to cheer for my team even though I couldn't play. Those people were amazed that I took the trouble. I don't know how God will use that, but at the very least it gave me a chance to show my friends that I did indeed care for them.
- Also, I was so broken down in every way when I came home for break, and I had all sorts of huge plans that would have exhausted me further. God made me rest instead; I must have slept twelve hours a night those first ten days. Since it was beyond my control, I could rest guilt-free.
God is good.
The best way to make time pass quickly? Find a useful project or two to do. I can't believe I've been at home for break more than three weeks already, nor that I'm driving back in less than nine days. I've been so busy - sleeping, being sick, reading, watching movies, hanging out with sibs, writing, applying to grad schools... I haven't hardly had time to miss my school friends.
Previous breaks I almost went crazy with missing people. Not so this time. I wonder why that is? Perhaps it is because of my eight months at home last year helping my mom. They were so painful. I don't have words to describe the hole in my heart; I would lie in our backyard on the grass, looking up at the stars, and almost writhe with the pain of loneliness. Then I asked for God to fill the hole, and He did. I told the EdenTroupe folks at the start of the fall semester that my favorite reason for being a Christian was that, "I can be content either in a crowd or alone, because Jesus loves me." That is true, and the eight months at home are the reason why.
Similarly, I don't
need the idea of romance any more. It has pained me for several years, because I held it as an idol. Now I've let it go. Someday I want very much to be married. But I do not think my desire for marriage compels God to give it to me, nor do I think that my attraction for any man compels him to like me. I have absolutely no control over the situation, and I have things God wants me to do. If romantic love comes, it will be a gift, but I will not abandon myself to waiting.
Today I put on Thing like an old, comfortable pair of exercise pants and jogged off west down I-70 into the heart of Missouri. My destination: the University of Missouri-Columbia, to deliver a grad school application. I am applying there for an M.A. in Journalism with a focus on TV/radio production. That way I could learn how to use audiovisual equipment, which is essential if I want to do movies someday.
And I locked my keys in the car. Thankfully, my mom forced me to buy Triple-A roadside assistance at the end of last summer before I drove back to school. In less than half an hour, a helpful man arrived to block the narrow road with his tow truck and jimmy my lock open. While I waited for him, I sat in the Starbucks across the road and took in the atmosphere. Lots of folks with open laptops. One man loudly discussing a political science project on his cell phone. Two ladies discussing their children's various academic accomplishments. Vocabulary words dropped from everyone's mouths with easy familiarity.
I've been out to Mizzou before for juggling conventions. I like the area, and it's an easy two-hour jaunt from my family. I could see myself living there for a few years.
Why do I doubt and fear when God is in control? In today's mail, Dr. Hake's recommendation letters arrived - just in time to pop one into my UVA grad school application. I called up Mizzou, and they said I could hand-deliver my application tomorrow morning. Isn't that just how God gives me things - right when I need them, and not before?
This afternoon I was reviewing a book called
Top 20 Teens. It is truly an excellent book, intended to help teens with their thinking, learning, and communicating skills. Their EQ, if you will, rather than the sheer, crunching IQ on which most high-school material focuses. The basic premise is that 20% of the people in the world make 80% of the change. Naturally, we all want to live our lives to the fullest and be one of the 20%. But how? I found much of the material relevant to my own needs.
- Procrastination. I say I am lazy, and people laugh at me. But it's true; I know inside myself that I can do more with my time. When I don't want to do things, I am fully capable of putting them off. I daydream and waste a lot of time by staring into space and reliving memories. Then it comes down to a deadline, and I am besieged by unnecessary stress.
- Self-doubt and fear of failure. I don't even need to explain this. The last few weeks of posts make this evident. In truth, failure is the best learning experience. I have learned the most from things that were at first impossible.
So this year I need to push myself and accept challenges with a healthy attitude. As I look ahead and find life scary, I can respond in two ways. I can say, "Oh, I'm scared!" or I can say, "Bring it on!" I say, bring it on! :D :D
The gym was full of New Year's resolutions this evening. Hordes of chubby people walking around aimlessly from machine to machine. More power to them, I say. But most of them won't last. In a few weeks, it will all be back to normal.
I haven't made any specific resolutions this year. I didn't make any last year, either. This is because I am content with last year. Looking back, it fills me with joy and amazement. With PHC, I hit my lowest depths yet. Then God helped us out. On the other side of the shadow, I am more peaceful than ever before in my life. It is a peace that passes understanding, because 2007 is the most uncertain of any of my years so far. I suspect a lot of my friends are in the same situation. I know God will bless us all.
One thing: I'm gonna make a movie. :)
