Life of Pride
I have stories to write. Nobody is going to write them for me. Best get started.
This whole "real life" thing is, frankly, frightening. I don't know where I was living before, but it wasn't in the real world. The truth is that there is no security rooted in this world. Absolutely none. We are sinners. We deserve nothing. All we own - friends, family, possessions - are God's. If He chooses, He can take away any of His gifts at any time.
But He pours out His mercy and grace on us. And when He takes something away, it is only so that He can work the loss for our ultimate good.
Our security, our life, our joy - resides in Heaven.
One of the kids I was talking with at the P'ville Teen Center last night said something truly profound. We were talking about Heaven, and he said it sounded boring to be happy all the time.
"Sometimes it feels so nice to have a good cry," he said.
"Yes, but didn't you have to feel miserable first?"
"I guess, but still..."
Would we appreciate a beautiful spring day without the winter that came before? Maybe we wouldn't truly glory in God and Heaven for eternity if we didn't have this world of sorrow first, any more than Adam and Eve understood the good thing they had going in the Garden of Eden.
Resistance trainingI was reading
this article on Boundless.org yesterday, and it helped put a lot of things into perspective. First, I
am where I am supposed to be, and I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. No way to go but up.
Last semester a few of us went hiking to Raven's Rock. We reached the top, and then we hiked down to the bottom of the 40' cliff. At the bottom, I looked up. I could see handholds. I'd always wanted to climb that cliff, but I'd always been too scared. "God," I asked, "it's stupid, but I want to climb that cliff. Should I?" And I heard back, "Why not? Go ahead." So I climbed.
My friends shouted for me to come back down as I ascended. But I called down in annoyance, "Don't you see, I can't come back! I'll fall if I do, 'cause it's harder to climb down. I have to go up now."
One time I slipped down a few feet and had to stop to regroup. Another time I almost didn't find a handhold. After a quick prayer at each point, however, I discovered I could continue.
And what a rush at the top! Sweat-drenched, legs quivering... but to stand and look down at my friends and at the sunset... thrusting fists in the air, I screamed for sheer joy.
It's the same right now. No going back, because I'll fall. There's only up.
So yeah, back to the Boundless article. Its thesis is that any following of true vocation brings resistance with it. This only makes sense. The purpose of our lives is to glorify God by becoming more like Him. This happens through a refining fire, through suffering. So it stands to reason that the most fulfilling, deepest way to live would be to walk/run straight through the most difficult, stretching patches - not to avoid them.
Physical weightlifting is called resistance training. You push against the heaviest weights you can stand, which causes micro-tears in your muscles. When they heal, they heal stronger. The thing is, you achieve most of the benefits of weightlifting in the last few reps - at the point of failure. Everything up until those last few reps is only preparation.
When I was seventeen and a half, I decided I would begin an intense weightlifting program when I turned eighteen. I spent those months reading everything I could find about nutrition, cardio, and weights. I watched inspirational movies and read other people's stories. I visualized the sort of body I wanted to have. And I started learning the exercises. I wrote down the food I ate; I tried out the weights and began working myself in slowly.
All this was well and good, and I'm sure glad I did it. When I actually jumped into my program, I had all the tools at hand. Putting them all together in one place, however, took intense discipline. For several weeks, it was practically all I thought about - how and what to eat, when to exercise next, and how much I was aching. Worst of all, for the first four weeks or so I didn't see any huge changes in my physique.
After about a month, I realized something - I liked this! My muscles were growing used to their new tasks, and I was getting stronger. The interesting thing about the month watermark, though, is that it was time to switch up my exercises. Muscles get used to certain exercises, and so you have to shock them all over to help them get stronger again.
I learned other things. I strained various muscles, gave myself muscular imbalances, etc. But the point is, all this physical exertion translates into life as a whole. I had forgotten what it felt like. Or rather, I'd lost my vision. My goal. So all I could see was the pain.
God made me strong. I know there is a reason for it.
Edit: Additional thought. In exercising and maintaining the physical body, the saying goes, "You are what you eat." Without a proper nutrition base, you can absolutely sabotage your program.
The same goes for God's program of spiritual growth. We are what we eat. Therefore, in a time of spiritual stretching it is absolutely essential to feed on the Word. Anything else, and we will just break down further. Bible passages are the building blocks - the chicken breasts, egg whites, fruit, and veggies - of the soul.
By God's grace, I am coming back to myself (see previous post). I greatly enjoy my new job at PHC. I've been researching and writing articles for web and newsletter publication. Yesterday and today I wrote one about PHC's new Philosophy of Education document concerning the Christian classical liberal arts. Fascinating stuff. I'm grasping anew just how special PHC is.
Also, I'm realizing once again that I would like to teach here one day. More than that, and I say this with fear and trembling, I would like to teach about film. This is a field that influences millions, and right now we Christians have given it over almost entirely.
I see the dark and the light more clearly than I ever have before. The darkness is a lot deeper than I had imagined, and the light just that much more triumphant in the end.
It is also becoming more clear to me just the sort of marriage I would like to have one day, if I am ever to be married. I want a partnership, in which both members are working toward the same goal. This would naturally turn into a team (children added), also for the same purpose. Marriages that model this for me include:
- My own family. Both parents run a magazine from home, deciding goals and directions together; kids work in the business and keep the home running.
- My pastor's family back in MO. My pastor preaches and governs; his wife runs Bible studies for the ladies of all ages and otherwise facilitates women's ministry. Their son leads music.
- The McCollums here at PHC. Both hold doctorates. Mr. Dr. Mc teaches Music App here at PHC and organizes Chorale. Mrs. Dr. Mc is the Academic Dean. Their two young kids come in to PHC with them often, and they are very purposeful about understanding the family mission.
- The Escobars, who are running the film project here at PHC this summer. Mr. Escobar is in charge of everything, but they both open up their home to everyone, and Mrs. E. is making and organizing food. Their three boys are deeply involved in the project.
I don't suppose there is anything
wrong with the mentality of the husband going off all day and working for a big company while the wife runs things at home. Not at all. Many today consider this the typical Christian model. But if you consider, in older times the husband worked on the family farm, or both husband and wife would manage a local shop of some sort. The whole idea of a husband being elsewhere all day is largely an innovation of the Industrial Revolution.
So yes, I would like to share a directional mission with a future spouse in terms of life purpose in addition to goal of having a godly family. Or perhaps, as part of it. I would like to be part of a team.
Not that I wouldn't be willing to sacrifice my goals and mission - but I'm not so sure that God would want me to do that.
Suppose there was a little, blind ant. It scurried and hurried as fast as it could without stop for five years, so that was all it knew how to do. The terrain was rocky and bumpy; there was plenty there to keep the ant's concentration.
But then, the land ran out. The ant's feelers fumbled helplessly in the open air in front of it. It stopped, frozen in absolute fear. No more "forward" left. Should it turn to the right or to the left? How to decide? Oh, the agony of indecision! This was absolutely beyond its comprehension.
So the ant started in one direction at last. It turned to the right and began to walk. Slowly it gained confidence. Everything was gonna be okay.
All at once, to its shock, the ant ran into something hard and unyielding. It had reached a dead end! Oh, the pain! This was much worse than before. Its way was blocked in front and to the right and left. The only path remaining was back, all that long distance.
The ant was tired. It refused to walk any farther, so there it sat and waited.
Nothing happened, except the ant started to get hungry. Very hungry. It had not eaten for a long time. The empty feeling gnawed at its stomach and sucked at its life. After a while, it became very weak. It could not possibly make it back to its starting point now. It lay down in utter, dark despair and prepared to die.
At this final moment, something changed in the ant's environment. A big finger reached down from above and rested beside the tiny creature. With its last strength, the ant crawled on.
It was blind, so it couldn't see what happened next, but in the ant's weakened state it felt more terrifying than anything that had happened yet. It was flying on the finger through a tremendously huge open space, much more vast than the ant's normal earthbound pathways.
Then it was over, and the ant cautiously crawled off the finger. Its feelers groped around, and it realized it was back at the edge again, in the spot where it had diverged to the right.
It could stop and die, or it could walk to the left. Its body was skinny and emaciated, almost gone. Slowly, it dragged itself leftward.
This time, the ant found something -- a tiny morsel of food. It was too tired to feel much joy at the encounter, but it managed to eat the food nonetheless. With energy to continue, it plodded on.
More food. The farther it traveled, the more food the ant found. And so it proceeded in its blindness, with fear and trembling, but increasing confidence.
What a week it's been! An adventure, for sure. One week and a day ago I began meeting the Advent Film Group (AFG) folks who would be working on the
"Moot Courting" movie project at PHC. We visited at the Escobars Friday night, and I was blown away yet again by the humility of Mr. Escobar and Mr. Manny Edwards. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were filled with deep conversations about God, culture, story, and movies in general. What a joy to hang out with this group of creative people!
I was living in the dorms from Friday until Thursday of this week. By God's grace, after a convoluted series of events, I found a place to live with Eve B., who is a PHC grad from three years ago. She is leasing a townhouse in Ashburn and subletting rooms to me and three other young women who attend Grace Community Church.
I am sitting in the local coffee shop, finally with a moment to reflect on my new area. I like it very much. It is young, fresh, forward-looking, and exciting. There is a new, huge movie theatre just across the street from my new townhouse. The entire shopping area offers free wireless. I'm going to enjoy it here, 25 minutes away from PHC. I am quite glad I'm not living in P'ville.
I began my new job Monday. My coworkers and I are gonna get along great. All of us up in Development have wacky senses of humor. I enjoy sharing an office with Art C., although I still have yet to put my mark on it. I think what I need first of all is a big glass jar of candy to share. That way people will visit me.
I have plenty of work to do, and it's gonna be so much fun! My job is to follow leads around school and see if they turn into stories. Sort of like a neverending scavenger hunt of people and information. Mr. H., my new boss, started me off easy with two stories. I finished them and asked for more work. He promptly gave me a list of eight possible topics, all of which involve much independent thought and tracking down of sources. Now that's more like!
In the evenings, I've been creating a new website for Advent Film Group. When it is active, it will be up at
adventfilmgroup.com. It's not there yet, but by this afternoon it should be.
Friday evening I also went to the P'ville Teen Center for an hour and a half. I saw some of my friends from last semester, which makes me glad. I am still praying for Angel, Anna, Jeffrey, Dante, and Michael. Kids who I can tell are lonely or hurting. I feel for them now more than ever, because I understand more now.
Today is Saturday. In a few minutes I'll be leaving this coffee shop to drive to Sterling to see
Harry Potter with Gabi, Em, Maggie, and Jenny N. Then I'll be in P'ville working on the website with the movie folks some more. At 7pm I go to Thea's house for homemade pizza.
God is pouring out His love on me everywhere I look.
"I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure: and, behold, this also is vanity. I said of laughter, It is mad: and of mirth, What doeth it? . . . I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards. . . . Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labour that I had laboured to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun."
And Solomon goes on. All the world is vanity, all empty. Truth, that. The world's question: How do I fill this hole inside of me?
That is the question. And there is no answer. None at all, because we are phrasing the question wrongly. None of us can fill our own hole or be satisfied. When we were stabbed and given our wound, the spear was poisoned. Until we have the antidote to the poison, we will continue to bleed slowly or quickly until life seeps away.
The antidote is faith. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Simple trust. We know that, even if our ignorance lasts all the way until after death, at some point we will be able to look back and understand. Darkness does not last. God is working a perfect story, better than I can imagine.
Wise as serpents - the knowledge of good and evil. Most specifically, we are evil and God is unimaginably perfect and just. That knowledge alone leads to despair and death. But we are also to be innocent as doves - the knowledge of life. Simple, childlike faith.
And meanwhile, "He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life. And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God."
Faith is also a gift of God.
