Yes, I have sinned. But let me tell you a story about God and what He has done in me.

Over the last two and a half weeks I have been tearing, absolutely tearing myself. I flopped every which way, analyzing and re-analyzing myself to elucidate my particular sins. I had done something pretty stupid, which in itself isn't that huge (I guess), but it was linked to a huge, imbedded rock of sin and fear. So I descended into numbing, spiraling depths of mental darkness, breaking over and over again. It got so I wished I was in Heaven right at that moment; I just wanted not to see my sin any more. I wanted the ripping to end.

--

"The Silence of God" by Andrew Peterson

It's enough to drive a man crazy; it'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder if he's ever been sane
When he's bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heaven's only answer is the silence of God

It'll shake a man's timbers when he loses his heart
When he has to remember what broke him apart
This yoke may be easy, but this burden is not
When the crying fields are frozen by the silence of God

And if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles have been nailed up to that cross
Then what about the times when even followers get lost?
'Cause we all get lost sometimes...

There's a statue of Jesus on a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden, as silent as a Stone
All His friends are sleeping and He's weeping all alone

And the man of all sorrows, he never forgot
What sorrow is carried by the hearts that he bought
So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God

--

I was feeling the recriminations of sin. And the reason I was breaking over and over again is that I hadn't yet really repented. The fact is, I had forgotten who I am and who God is.

I was content this summer up until Friday before last, when I heard about my job in VA. Then all went crazy. This is because I have been believing that I am supposed to be in VA in order to invest a talent in movie-making. Now, I couldn't know that was the truth until I actually heard about the job, so I was leaving all future plans in a "holding pattern." Not yes. Not no.

Once I knew, I should have instantly dived into rewriting my screenplay. I knew I was supposed to do this. But I procrastinated. I did everything, absolutely everything, except that - even trying to work on another writing project. It was all dead. Everything was dead. Nothing in the world felt alive or fun. But that was all a lie. The truth was, I was dead. I was blind to the fact that I was avoiding my task out of pure fear - fear that I couldn't do it. And so I was denying God because, if it was His task, it was going to happen no matter what.

I visited Ashlea Davenport in KY this past week, and I cannot communicate my admiration and appreciation for her as a friend. World, if you ever have the privilege to know Ashlea, you are blessed. Every time I have known her in my life, she has cared for me and helped me grow stronger in God. This week, her friendship kept my soul from dying and twisting in agony. We talked for hours, went to the play "Hello Dolly," ate out, ate in, watched movies, and just lived.

And I visited the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY. A brief window of peace and joy in the darkest week of my life.

Somehow, by God's grace alone, today I broke for the last time. I left the house to spend the afternoon writing in St. Louis Bread Company and Starbucks. "Lord God," I prayed, "if you want this screenplay written - you write it!"

Today I put together 18 pages between 1:00pm and 9:30pm, by far my new life record. I have been God's pen! I am simply blown away, and I am riding high.

Actually, it's almost funny. I was encouraged to know I was finally on the right track when I was heading out this afternoon, because all these little... coincidences... came cropping up. I had a headache, so I felt sleepy. I couldn't find my flip-flops anywhere at all, and I had to wear sneakers outdoors in the 90+ degree MO humidity. My car was parked into the driveway by the other kid car, and my brother was asleep and unable to move it. Then I tried to go to the Borders cafe first, but it was closed until July 2nd. Last, after I relocated to St. Louis Bread Company, I found I had left my laptop power cord home - something I never do. It all reminded me of precisely similar occurrences last spring while I was writing my senior History project. Demonic attack? I think yes.

The reason that this is not wholly funny is that I still have much more story to write. Considering the mountain I have been living underneath for weeks, I know that these last-ditch efforts yesterday are not by far all the tools at the enemy's disposal.

Lord, help me! Preserve me in this new courage and sight!  ¶ 8:11 PM