Life of Pride
Many thanks to folks who have reassured me that they
are reading my blog, even if they would rather send me a long email instead of posting a little bitty comment. :D *waves to Nate in Cambridge*
In retrospect, that last post was kinda depressing. I didn't mean it to be. I think this attitude towards guy/girl relationships is part of learning contentment. I don't need to be married to do many useful, fun things. In fact, I can dive obsessively into developing talents right now in a way I will most certainly not be able to do some day when I am married. On the other hand, when (or if, I guess) I am someday married, I will be able to give everything to serving a husband and kids in a way I really have no right to do with any man or any kids at this moment.
This is a season - a good season. It has many possibilities that I have only begun to explore. Why focus on the bads? There are plenty of goods to distract me.
I don't even know if anyone's reading this, but it makes me happy to write it, so I shall continue.
About happiness - I am learning that it is closely connected to contentment. And contentment is the opposite of control. This is because any 'control' in this life is only an illusion. I am
not in control. God is. The more I learn to accept that, the better everything will be.
So. At this moment I am not merely waiting to hear about whether I have a job or not, and therefore whether or not I am heading back out to VA after all. I am
living. This is a good life. I could deal. The one season is, effectively, over, and a new one is beginning. In this new season, I am not a College Kid. I am a Single. I am Eligible. I'm not sure I care to be eligible. I would like at some time to be settled and married happily with someone I love, but this whole thing about being Available is kinda intimidating. 'Cause I'm not, really. I just look like it. I'm not looking
for it. I'm too confused, and I don't trust my judgment any more. Nor do I trust most guys in this world nowadays.
It's that control problem again, isn't it? Lucky for me I gave the responsibility for the starting of romance to my dad. He can provide a welcome barrier between me and the world. Not that I have a horde of guys pursuing me, either. I guess I've had my shields up. The time wasn't right. Is it correct now? I don't presume to say. I think I would take considerable convincing. God knows.
What is this resting thing? I am so bad at it.I think it is where a person does what she wants to do.
You mean I can lie by the side of the pool & suntan & read?Yes.
You mean it is OK to watch an entire season of Heroes
in two days?Yes.
What about computer games?Yes.
But what about this twitchy urge to schedule my days into chunks and begin an in-depth project? I feel like a bad person.You are lying to yourself. So long as you are spending plenty of time with God, you are all right. If you wrote anything right now, it would be terrible anyway. Stop stressing. Just rest.
But what about being a writer? What if I never write anything good?You're only 23. Give it time.
But -...
You've never rested in your life, have you?
No, I guess not. We always did schoolwork straight through summer, and I was always working for Mom and Dad too. We never went on vacation.It's part of your problem with control, isn't it? You always want to be doing and fixing.
That could be it. Pastor Stain at church today told me he has the same sin area. It's definitely a problem with trust. Maybe I should just sit back and see what God can teach me from resting.Sounds good. You probably don't even know how tired you are right now. Take two weeks. It could make a big difference.
OK. But you just wait! Second half of June, things'll be different!OK. Seeya then, workaholic!
Why it is so nice to be home right nowMom: "It'll be good to have you here for a month when you're graduated... You always have some hugely important project you're working on. Now you can just lie in the sun by the side of the pool and rest."
Lillie (13-year-old sis): "What shall I call you? Let me see. There's 'Sarah,' 'Pretty One,' or possibly, 'Blueberry.'"
("Blueberry" because I was wearing my blue swimsuit at the time)
Magda (22-year-old sis): "I just baked chocolate-chip cookies. I don't want anybody to eat them, 'cause I'm saving them for my friend's visit this evening. But you can have some, if you want."
Yesterday my dad hauled my big TV screen down from the pile of stuff in the middle of the living room, and we set it up along with my DVD player in my "cave" in the basement, where nobody else comes. Then Magda and I went to Blockbuster and rented
Save the Last Dance and
Stomp the Yard. We had an older-girls dance movie night down in my chilly cave, huddled together under a comforter.
The neighborhood pool opened today, so I took the sibs. We stayed for three hours. I was reading a screenplay for
It's a Wonderful Life, and they were all swimming, playing beach ball, and having a cannonball/corkscrew contest in the deep end. I felt older than them and distant from their game, but I am at last content with that. It is the progression of life. (or maybe it's not; maybe it's just me, since my parents join in with gusto when they are present. but nonetheless, I am content with it)
In a few minutes I will be leaving with my older brother, Ted, to watch
Pirates of the Caribbean III. I can think of few funner people than Ted to watch a gruesome movie with. He and I will inevitably argue about the movie afterwards, but that is only part of the fun.
I have determined to live this month to the fullest with the people around me. Lucky for me that they love me and provide such an entertaining existence. :D :D
Restless. Just like my stuff, which is stacked in a large heap in the center of our living room. This is not my stopping place, here at home, and there is nowhere to put me. And yet I will probably be out here in MO through all of June at least. I am waiting to hear if I have a job back in VA. Still waiting. But I am closer to knowing what comes next. I can feel it. Still, the last little bit of waiting is always the hardest.
Over Christmas I prayed a few things for this, my last semester, which I have just completed. I prayed that God would teach me patience and wisdom. And I asked that He would break my heart. Why would I ask these things? I knew that I needed them. I require patience and wisdom so much, and I understood that my heart had to learn to obey God's reins. Also, I didn't really know what I was asking. I didn't know how much it would hurt.
For summer, I'm asking for something different. I'm asking for happiness. That is the answer I got this time when I asked the Holy Spirit inside of me to show me how to pray. It seems like the right request. But what do I know? I don't know anything. So I am also praying, "Not my will, but Thine, be done."
At the end of every tunnel, there is a light. Some tunnels are longer and darker than others, but that only makes the light brighter and more beautiful when it arrives.
Wow. I scarcely believe it. I am about to graduate. Let me say it again - wow! I still have 30 pages of screenplay outstanding, but I think I'm gonna finish most of that at home. I've been writing, and it's coming, but it's coming slowly. So I'm not stressing about it. It will happen.
Last night I was sitting on the steps of Founders watching folks throwing a frisbee in the grassy circle. I remembered. Freshman through junior years, we played Frisbee in the circle all the time. I suddenly saw different people running and shouting, and I saw myself among them - pained, always pained, and wondering why guys didn't throw frisbees to girls. How this school is changed. How I have changed. And how we've stayed the same... I felt tears of joy to God, and a rich sense of fulfilment and completion. By God's grace, I have lived these five years the fullest of any in my life. I hope I feel the same way at the very end of this time on earth.
Tomorrow night Christy, Brittainy, some others, and myself all head out to Raven's Rock at 10pm. We plan to build a fire and stay out past midnight. That should bring back another rush of nostalgia, since Raven's Rock is one of my favorite spots. That is where I first went hiking freshman year, escaping the dreary memories of suburbia for a trek through nature. This semester, I climbed that 40' cliff.
Thursday evening is the Chorale banquet, a summation of more memories. This year I have learned heaps about music, much more than I ever knew before. I love music, and I positively adore singing. I'm not the best, but it brings me joy. It allows me to pour out all my breath to God. Besides that, I don't know when next I'll be able to sing in a choir of this sort. What an experience and an opportunity we have had!
Friday my family arrives - five siblings and my dad. They will hopefully show up in time for the barbecue, which they had said before they would not be able to manage. This is a tremendous blessing... I've stayed for graduation every previous year, and I always imagined how sad it would be when I was attending my own bbq without my family. My mom had always told me before that they probably wouldn't make it out, and so I find that I actually managed to give it up somewhere in the past years. Now I feel that their presence is sheerly a gift.
And I have a job interview tomorrow at 3:30. It's a good job. I would like to have it. We will see.
The day before finals start, that time of pain. I only have two, so, while I am tired, it is nothing approaching the exhaustion of some other people. I recall previous years... My first three years, I always had either six or seven finals. Horrifying, terrible days of non-stop study and very little sleep. Now I study at a more relaxed pace, but everyone around me is suffering... I think it is easier in some ways to suffer myself and be too busy to notice.
***Later correction to the above
Actually, I am stinkin' tired. I fell asleep with my head down on my table in the very center of the busy library this afternoon. I think this is because I worked at scanner in the dining hall for five hours today. My mind isn't really working any more. No profound thoughts here. I can hardly put words together to type.
OK, back to studying for Music App.
