I told some people tonight that I couldn't wait to graduate; that I wished I was graduating at the end of this semester. I'm not sure why I said that. I wasn't trying to lie intentionally, but that's what it was. The funny thing was that only an hour before, in the middle of Chorale practice, I'd been tearing up over the sudden wave of nostalgia that hit me - the knowledge that in a few short months this is gonna be all. No more undergraduate education.
I think I deny it when I am truly vulnerable to someone or something. I love PHC. There. I'll just say it. I'm delighted that I'm not graduating this semester, 'cause I still have loose ends to tie up. And people to serve. Sure, I have more possibilities for pain here. I'm feeling considerable pain right now for various reasons. But this fire refines me.
I just wish I hadn't said that. Why did I say it?