Life of Pride
I took the Myers-Briggs personality test again and was intrigued to note that my personality has shifted. I am now an ENTJ instead of an ENFJ.
View my test results. The last time I took one of these tests, my Feeling was significantly dominant. Now I am 58% Thinking. That's like a complete face-turn. Not sure what to make of that. I think it's good to have my head in charge, but I still feel as though it's temporary. I think Feeling has been introverted out of necessity, but it's biding its time.
On the Multiple Intelligences test, I score highest on Interpersonal, followed by a tie between Logical/Mathematical and Verbal/Linguistic. No surprises there.
Calmer and cleaner. That's how I feel after Thanksgiving break. I feel like maybe I can do this whole "adult" thing. There is no explanation for the change, other than God's fingers working in my soul. In Christ I live, move, and have my being. I think I'm gonna come back stronger than I ever was before. That's what it means to be a child of God - not that we don't suffer, but that the suffering turns to strength. The phoenix rises from the ashes.
Phoenixes fascinate me. One of the best characters in Erthe, the world I started writing three years ago, is a phoenix. His name is Pharr. There are only two phoenixes in all of Erthe. The other is called Wyde, a female. The two are not "romantically" involved in any way, yet they each fulfill a specific purpose in their world by being male or female. They share an excellent friendship, but with perfect control they have never allowed it to tip over into romance because it is not part of the greater purpose for them. They are not human after all; their emotions work differently.
As phoenixes, you see, and servants of the one true King, Pharr and Wyde were created with the unique ability to "see" all of their past and future at once. This is because the souls of phoenixes never truly leave the current world, nor do their bodies truly die. When their bodies wear out for some reason, they are engulfed in a special flame, which burns away the impurities of the old manifestation (very painfully!) so that they are new and fresh again. This is the blessing and the curse of phoenixes; the King created them so that Erthe can see a reflection of the greater story that happened in Earth, the universe next door. So phoenixes live day by day, while at the same time they already know everything that will happen to them and around them. In a sense, they exist both in and out of time.
Susan: "If I knew all my future, I couldn't live for sheer boredom!"
Pharr: "Ah, so you think. But wouldn't you revisit some sweet joys if you could? The present is color, the rest only black and white."
Susan: "What about the pain of repeated death?"
Pharr: "Just one color out of many."
I've been percolating plenty of thoughts, most of which didn't have time to settle out until this week. Thanksgiving week, in which I am blessed to be visiting my family. I don't think I ever appreciated my family enough before now. Previous blog posts from home are full of complaints. This time, I have none. My family has not changed, but I have. "Boredom" to me now is "quiet" and "rest." Life doesn't move quickly at home, but another word for that is "stability."
I went walking the familiar sidewalks of my neighborhood for an hour today, scuffing through heaps of brown leaves as I strode along. I love my old neighborhood now because it is a family place. People settle here, and they don't move often. In contrast, the area of Virginia where I live now is exciting, volatile, young. There is much movement and a spirit of passion. A part of me thrills to that, while at the same time another part is rooted here, in the solid Midwest. I value my roots.
Time moves very slowly right now because so much is crammed into it. So many "firsts"; everything is new. I cook new recipes, go to a new TKD dojang, and film short scripts for the first time. I am learning Final Cut Pro, working my first job in the corporate world, and paying all my own bills. God is teaching me new spiritual disciplines and cementing Bible verses in my head.
And yes, new friendships, and new and very painful difficulties with previous friendships. But my Lord is so good to me. I raise my voice in His honor, and I know all will be well.
This morning I was reading the story of Paul's conversion in Acts chapter 9. I find that I identify with elements of the story that I have always merely skimmed over before.
"And as he journeyed, he came near Damascus: and suddenly there shined round about him a light from heaven: and he fell to the earth, and heard a voice saying unto him, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? And he said, Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks."
Paul was a devout Jew. He thought of God a lot, but apparently did not know who He really was. When he speaks to God, Paul knows He is "Lord," but he doesn't know who "Lord" is. So he asks, "Who art thou?" Then when Jesus replies, He says that Paul has been fighting Him. It's as though Paul knew the truth all along and had become even more virulent against the Christians in unconscious rebellion.
"And Saul arose from the earth; and when his eyes were opened, he saw no man: but they led him by the hand, and brought him into Damascus. And he was three days without sight, and neither did eat nor drink."
So I wonder, why did God choose to take away Saul's sight for those three days? I know I felt when my depression hit this summer like I had nothing left. I was internally blind. So now I know that everything I have, all I am, is God's. I think that God wanted to show Paul something similar and even more intense. God wanted to claim total control of Paul's sight and understanding.
Also, I see Paul's response here. It doesn't say whether he was unable to eat and drink or if he chose not to do so. If this experience was anything like mine, the distinction is practically irrelevant. I almost could not eat; I ate because I knew I should, and even then, my stomach almost rebelled constantly. This made me very weak and brought me even closer to God in dependence.
Scientifically, the human body needs water much more quickly than it does food. Paul must have been well-nigh dead in body by the time Ananias arrived.
"And the Lord said unto [Ananias], Arise, and go into the street which is called Straight, and inquire in the house of Judas for one called Saul, of Tarsus: for, behold, he prayeth, and hath seen in a vision a man named Ananias coming in, and putting his hand on him, that he might receive his sight."
Those days must have stretched out at tremendous length for Paul. His entire life as he knew it needed to be stripped away. He did not have the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, yet - the Spirit comes to Paul when Ananias lays on his hands. Without the Spirit living with him, the only way for Paul to know God would be by literally constant prayer. No wonder he didn't eat or drink. He needed the three-day fast, the total dependence, to keep him in God's presence.
And then, Paul "saw" a vision without human sight. God inserted miraculous, supernatural sight into the dark void of human blindness. As always, He showed Paul, His strength reveals itself in our weakness. Therefore, someone as strong in mind as Paul had to be brought very low before his ministry could begin.
I've been reading a lot about spiritual disciplines lately. The topic seems to pop up no matter what book I am reading. I am also going through a book that specifically handles the topic:
Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life, by Donald S. Whitney. It gives an excellent explanation of many areas I have not thought about very much, or that I have just handled loosely in my arrogance. I never really fasted, for example, or knew that fasting was a blessing of God to draw us nearer to him in times of great need and sorrow or of praise.
Probably the best discipline I've met is that of meditation on Scripture. Up 'til now I've been the sort who would read and try to understand, but then I'd let it slip away. Without long-term meditation or memorization, it is hard to retain one section of Bible long enough to relate it to another as the whole it truly is. Meditation provides great benefits.
For example, I memorized Psalms 1 a long time ago, and it has always been a great comfort for me: "Blessed is the man who walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the Lord, and on His law doth he meditate day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by rivers of water, that bringeth forth fruit in his season. His leaf also shall not wither, and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper."
And then, Isaiah 55 has become another section for frequent reference: "Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price."
Recently, John 15: "I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman. Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit."
Jesus is the river of water by which I, the tree, must be planted. If He is not, I will not bear fruit. Jesus is also the Word, the law.
