Discipline is difficult, but well worth it in the end. Again, I recall back to when I first started exercising thoroughly when I was eighteen. Oh, it was agony, especially learning good eating habits. I was so addicted to sugar. I would be compelled to buy a candy bar when I went to the convenience store, and then I would feel guilty afterwards. But after a while, I realized that I wasn't depriving myself at all. Before, I had set my sights far too low. Now my tastes have changed forever. I don't even like milk chocolate. When I want chocolate, it needs to be dark - the best dark chocolate I can find, and ideally without anything else added.

Right now I am taking this tremendous opportunity of singlehood in order to pursue Jesus in a way I haven't ever before. It feels like I'm still collecting information together, but I am also testing the waters with Scripture memorization, fasting, stronger prayers, and pushing for emotional self-control. This latter is especially tortuous. It doesn't involve cutting off all emotions, but rather, redirection. I fail miserably, but still, I am encouraged to notice improvement.

Being a single person with my life mostly in front of me still has caused me to re-evaluate a great many things that I didn't know I was taking for granted during college life. Existential questions have caused me most of my grief these last two months. What is the purpose of life, the reason for living? The only answer is grace, grace, and more grace.

We are to "love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, body, and strength - and our neighbor as ourselves." Or to put it another way, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness." We are to love God more and more each day and seek to become more like Him each day as individuals. And then we are to look outward to the needs of others, helping other Christians grow more like Him and pointing non-Christians to Him. Our whole reason for continued existence in this world instead of in Heaven right now with God is the people around us. And the more God shapes us to be like Him, the better use we can be to others.

Only thing is, reshaping hurts! But I "rejoice in tribulations also, for I know that tribulations work patience, and patience experience, and experience hope. And hope makes not ashamed, because the love of Christ is shed abroad in our hearts through the Holy Ghost." And my new favorite verses: "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

At each new bit of my life, I ask the Holy Spirit what characteristic I should pray for. For several years at PHC, the answer was wisdom. I prayed for wisdom every day. Then, during my eight months at home last year (was it only last year??), I realized that I needed something much deeper and richer than wisdom. I came into my last year of college praying to learn about love. "Love is patient; love is gentle. Love seeks not its own..." Then a few weeks ago I asked for the prayer for my new season. The answer that came back was "endurance."

Endurance. Not glamorous. Not fun. But oh, so beneficial!  ¶ 6:23 AM