Nicole asks: "I thought you'd comment more about graduation, though. (Feel free to reflect; I'm probably not the only one who likes hearing this stuff.)"

I didn't post about graduation because I was emotionally numb and exhausted that weekend. I think the numbness is a defense mechanism when I expect to feel pain otherwise. I did post a few times ago that my heart broke this last semester... Yeah.

So I could report facts about graduation. The weather was perfect. At the ceremony before Commencement where the faculty and staff committed us graduates to the Lord, both Dr. Hake and Dr. Farris prayed for me, which made me cry. I lined up with a lot of people, most of whom I don't know very well because I actually belonged to the previous class, and because many on the roster of graduates lived off-campus this year. I cheered for other people while grabbing for my hat to keep it from blowing off in the wind. Then I walked across the stage, grinned for the photographer, and shook Dr. Walker's and Dr. Farris's hands with a heartfelt, "Thank you!" for all they've done.

My dad and several siblings had driven over for my graduation, which was a tremendous blessing. They provided a happy cushion from the world around me, which I was ignoring. We packed and cleaned and started driving Sunday morning.

Meanwhile, I was hanging in limbo on many fronts. How long would I be home? Could I mentally commit to anything? Not really. I felt tender, fragile, and... raw. My gut was telling me that I had unfinished business at PHC and that this wasn't really the end of anything, but I had no rational proof to back up the feeling.

Nicole also asks if I still have plans for grad school? Yes, absolutely. I am fascinated with Bible, theology, philosophy, and culture, so I will probably be starting a distance-learning Master's from Covenant Theological Seminary sometime in the near future, possibly fall of 2008. I don't want to make a permanent career out of movies or even public affairs stuff, which is my new job. I think I am most fitted to be a pastor's wife, to homeschool a large family, and to write fiction (books, screenplays, or both) that points people inexorably to God. I've discovered in myself a hunger for evangelism and for teaching. I would love to lead women's Bible studies; I've been wanting to lead Bible studies for several years now.

Right now I am diving into movie stuff because I've always loved movies, and it would always be a huge "What if?" in my life if I didn't. Besides, I think these next few years are likely to be the only window of my life where I have the leisure to do so.

Sometimes I think I can catch glimpses of my entire life. When I was a freshman at PHC, one time Dr. Gruenke gave a women's chapel about singlehood. She was 27 then, and I remember thinking, "I could never wait until I was 27 to be married!" Just then I got one of those weird itchy "Oops!" feelings that hasn't gone away since. You wait. I'm gonna be 27 when I am married.

I've been ripening a whole other fictional world in the back of my brain for three years now. It's called Erthe, and it's gonna result in an epic trilogy. My goal to finish that is by age 30. I have to get through this movie stuff first. Mr. Escobar has a few potential screenplays in the back of his mind, and one of them really resonates with me as well. It's about last spring at PHC.

After age 30, I don't even have hazy plans, except one need that's been on my mind - Hollywood. Not for moviemaking, but as a mission field. Christians tend to think of Hollywood as "them," the enemy, not as people who need God. But if the excellent moviemakers over there became Christian, they could do the Christian moviemaking. I suspect that most of those folks are used to antagonistic Christians and have never really heard the Gospel. Will this be one of the battles I participate in? I don't know.

Another need I see that could be answered in middle age is to write about how the growth of divorce in America has given no moral ground for Christians to stand on when we want to argue against homosexuality. Family life is really the center of all that's good because God made it to image Him, and so Satan attacks there first. That is also why sexual sins are so disturbing and cause so much guilt, because proper sexual relations image God so beautifully. But to write about this I need a husband who cares even more about such matters than I do, and I need a family.

I also have a strong heart for the condition of American education, and for how so many happy little children are turned into miserable, confused young people. I have absolutely no idea at this point what I can do in this area.

My old-age project is to write the Christian prehistory of how everyone spread out from Babel to where they are now, or to facilitate someone else writing it. The evidence exists. I spent a few years learning enough to satisfy myself that the world's history does, indeed, have a solid, rational starting point that doesn't include millions of years. I want to write the book that will convince others, but for that I need a solid reputation first. Thus, an old-age project, after I have accumulated much knowledge, wisdom, and skill.

I want a love who has a strong heart for God first, and who possesses great courage and a huge wealth of sympathy for the lost. I want a strong man who understands the world without letting it spot him, either through bitterness or through compromise. I want to stand by his side and help keep him strong and clean.

I want a beautiful, loving, hospitable family and house, always ready to welcome others.

Now, with all the sorrow out there, why should I expect that all these things will happen? Why should I deserve them? Why would God give me such gifts? Shouldn't I resign myself to less, because this is a fallen world?

It's like my job. On the gut level, I believe that these things will occur. I am an optimist. On the rational level, I am a pessimist.

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.  ¶ 12:07 PM