Last night I attended my fifth Liberty Ball here at PHC. It was hands-down my best, although I did not have a date yet again. It is so tempting to feel self-pity when nobody ever asks you to the school dances, and I have each of the past years. But this time my accountability partners, Juli and Kristen, and I prepared ourselves with prayer. Whenever I began to incline to melancholy, I prayed to Jesus as the lover of my soul. I asked to feel His presence. Then I was all right.

Jesus is truly all I need. Sometimes I find it so impossible to remember that fact. I wander by the instant. I desire more. I berate myself for desiring more. Who am I to dictate the way that God should display His love for me?

I've been pretty sad the last few weeks, but I'm coming out of it. I trust God, and I love Him. He also loves me. I've been praying for months now that He won't let me believe lies. For the last week or so I've also been praying that I'll be totally blindsided by His goodness - that I won't see it coming at all.

So why should I be depressed if I don't see? Isn't that what I asked? I have to let go and stop trying to anticipate. Stop trying to control... I don't want to be in control. I want to be blown away.

I'm clinging to You, my Lord, with a desperate hope. I'm hanging over empty space. You'd better be real and true, or I am in trouble...  ¶ 8:13 AM