Last night I attended my fifth Liberty Ball here at PHC. It was hands-down my best, although I did not have a date yet again. It is so tempting to feel self-pity when nobody ever asks you to the school dances, and I have each of the past years. But this time my accountability partners, Juli and Kristen, and I prepared ourselves with prayer. Whenever I began to incline to melancholy, I prayed to Jesus as the lover of my soul. I asked to feel His presence. Then I was all right.

Jesus is truly all I need. Sometimes I find it so impossible to remember that fact. I wander by the instant. I desire more. I berate myself for desiring more. Who am I to dictate the way that God should display His love for me?

I've been pretty sad the last few weeks, but I'm coming out of it. I trust God, and I love Him. He also loves me. I've been praying for months now that He won't let me believe lies. For the last week or so I've also been praying that I'll be totally blindsided by His goodness - that I won't see it coming at all.

So why should I be depressed if I don't see? Isn't that what I asked? I have to let go and stop trying to anticipate. Stop trying to control... I don't want to be in control. I want to be blown away.

I'm clinging to You, my Lord, with a desperate hope. I'm hanging over empty space. You'd better be real and true, or I am in trouble...  ¶ 8:13 AM (1) comments

  Ran movie auditions tonight. Had prayed that just the right people would show. Obtained three guys - my "Three Suits," stereotypical dudes in suits, leftover in my writer's dream world from her previous stories. Otherwise, nil. I found all my female characters last time, assuming that I am going to be the writer myself. I still have one huge, gaping hole - the male lead. I really only need to shoot one scene with him to show that he exists, 'cause I'm just making a promo piece/trailer. Thus, probably a single afternoon would suffice. Who will he be? God knows.

The weather has turned lovely. I hope it stays that way.  ¶ 6:09 PM (0) comments

  The uncertainty drags on and on... Why oh why did I have to go and pray to learn patience this semester? I still don't know about the job here at PHC. I don't know for sure where I'll work if I don't get this job. My parents are pressuring me heavily about my one grad school acceptance still, even though it just doesn't seem right to me. It just doesn't, and it never has! I think I'm supposed to be staying out here in VA to work on movie stuff, but all of that is new and uncertain. What if I am wrong? What if I am misinterpreting what I am supposed to do, because it is influenced by my desires? Oh, God! I thought this would all be resolved by the end of March, but now it is the middle of April. How much longer?

Sometimes it stabs me like a needle of sorrow through my stomach and heart. I just want to clutch my middle, curl up in a little ball, and cry. Sometimes I do. I am really not very strong at all.

I do trust God that all this will work out, that I will look back at this time with nostalgia and understand what it all meant. If I have made mistakes, I will shake my head at myself. If somehow I chose correctly, I will praise God in awe and wonder.

Oh, God, I just wish my parents would support me and help me. Why do I have to be alone in this? It is scary enough, but they don't think I can do it. They have judged that my screenplay writing is worthless and juvenile, and they have never read it, nor do they care to. Why can't they trust me?

Oh Lord, when will it all make sense?  ¶ 7:59 PM (3) comments

  Oh, Lord!

Tonight I had the joy of volunteering at the P'ville Teen Center yet again. I had a chance to say hi to Dante and the boy who calls himself Satan. Turns out they both witnessed the first half of Harmonicomedy here at PHC last Friday; I thought I had seen them there! Naturally, they said it was stupid and corny, because they say everything is stupid and corny. ;) Then "Satan" told another one of his ghastly tales of murder and mayhem. I didn't blink. I said I wanted to go play DDR. "Satan" said that only gay people play DDR. I said, whatever, it makes me happy. So I went.

At DDR, I met Allie again, and her sister Adrienne. Adrienne was scared to try because she knew she would look stupid learning. So Allie and I played. She was a beginner, so I encouraged her to try harder stuff. That meant I had to try harder stuff myself, as an example. ;) So she failed a few on Beginner, and I failed a few on Heavy. It was fun.

Angel was there, the twelve-year-old with black toenail polish and black eyeshadow, black tights, a dress with a cool red pattern, and her red-dyed hair. She is normally hyper, unable to sit still for a minute. Tonight something had scared her. She was still and quiet. And then I found out what it was. I asked her about books, and she told me about a creepy book her teachers had made her read, all about a utopian commune. That led into a discussion of evil. Turns out that Angel had been messing with a Ouija board and experiencing terrifying nightmares. What made the conversation more difficult is that another adult volunteer was there as well, a lady who believes that evil and good are balanced in the world, and who does not believe that Jesus is God, with all God's power to dispel evil. So I prayed, "God help me; give me the words!" Then I asked the lady volunteer what was going to happen when she died and how she knew. She stopped and fumbled and said that she hoped she was going to Heaven. Both of us counseled Angel to get rid of her Ouija board. Then the lady volunteer left quickly.

It was time to go, but first I managed to say this to Angel: "I don't know what you believe about God and Jesus, but I tell you this -- if you ever feel really lost and scared, pray, 'Jesus, help me!'" I will be praying for her. She is way too young to be facing this terrifying stuff.

This is life -- a taste of real life on Friday nights. I am so inadequate to speak or write the truth that addresses every person's story. I can only pray that God uses me somehow.  ¶ 8:36 PM (0) comments