Life of Pride
Waiting, waiting... still waiting... But the end is drawing nearer. I can feel events culminating.
I have to make my decision about grad school by April 15. I won't know about whether I have a job here at PHC, however, until the end of the month. Also, I have only heard from the University of Missouri-Columbia's Journalism program so far. UVA's M.F.A. in Creative Writing will let me know by April 2.
It would be hard for me to leave this area of Virginia right now. I have much to hold me here. More than that, new & cool things are developing. My movie project mentor is planning to create five low-budget films here over the next three years, and he is especially interested in involving PHC students and alumni. I want to be a part of this. And there are other reasons, too...
But, as my parents counseled me last week, I have to be
willing to go anywhere and do anything. God requires that surrender from me. And further, this week I began reading I Corinthians again, and I found these verses:
And in this confidence I was minded to come unto you before, that ye might have a second benefit; and to pass by you into Macedonia, and to come again out of Macedonia unto you, and of you to be brought on my way toward Judaea. When I therefore was thus minded, did I use lightness? Or the things that I purpose, do I purpose according to the flesh, that with me there should be yea yea, and nay nay? But as God is true, or word toward you was not yea and nay. For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by us, even by me and Silvanus and Timotheus, was not yea and nay, but in him was yea. For all the promises of God in him are yea, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us. ~ II Cor. 1:15-20
Paul is saying that he doesn't make his decisions by human rationality, weighing everything back and forth, yes and no, doubting and tossing. Like Jesus, he submits: "Yes Lord, whatever you will, so I shall do." In him was yea. That is how I must be as well at this crucial point in my life. So I pray that God's will may be clear, exactly when I need to know it. And that time is approaching quickly.
I just wish I knew... but no, I can't say it.
It is unpleasant to be sick at school. It is even more unpleasant when one does not possess a roommate. One must drag herself up to meals if she wishes to eat. One could die in her bed and nobody would know for a few days, until the wing began to smell bad. Or so I told Emily, but she laughed at me and assured me it would never happen. Uh huh.
I slept almost all of Wednesday and Thursday, but now I'm starting to feel better. The truly interesting part for me was how the physical sickness came accompanied by a wave of spiritual and mental depression. I had to keep telling myself, "It's all lies! The world is the same as it was a few days ago." But I still find it hard not to trust my own senses.
You know what, though? I am learning about love. I love my school. Even though it is flawed. Even though it has hurt me and will probably hurt me again. I haven't let myself say or think that for months. I think it is because I am so much of an idealist. I want something to be perfect before I love it. But that's never gonna happen. I'm learning that about people, too. I love my friends not because they are good, but because we need to love each other to help each other grow to be like Christ. That is the purpose of friendship. I love flawed folks who have hurt me and who will hurt me again. And they love me, too, and they help me grow. I think I am starting to understand...
It is the last day of spring break, and I have come to realize something about my family. It is made up of geeks. And, really, this is OK. Geeks are splendid creatures.
So this post is about Geekdom, which is a strange and comfortable universe, very different from my PHC world. In Geekdom, the inhabitants are clothed at best in jeans and a t-shirt that reads, "There are two types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't." At worst, they cannot understand why they might want to change out of torn exercise pants and a wrinkled shirt of dubious character before they go watch a movie in the theater.
But a Geek absolutely loves to watch movies in the theater. The purpose is not the "experience," but the movie itself, which he will dissect with passionate sincerity. He watches in the theater instead of waiting to see a movie more cheaply, because he cannot wait. The people in the theater are also suffused with the same rosy glow in the Geek's mind, so long as they also love movies with passionate intensity. If they whisper and giggle, the Geek can do nothing else but despise them with utter loathing.
A Geek loves math in general, because it is clean and precise, the way the world should be. He has a keen sense of oughtness, since his mind operates at least halfway in the abstract world of perfection. For this reason, a Geek has a keen sense of right and wrong. Depending on how he feels about the other half of reality, this sense can reveal itself in two extremes - obsession with rectitude or a laid-back withdrawal from conflict.
Geeks can be a lot of fun because of their utter sincerity. An extroverted Geek can befriend anyone who does not care about external appearances, because he certainly doesn't. An introverted Geek likes other sincere people to come to him, but otherwise he is more honest than other sorts of introverted people - he cares much more about his work than about pushing through social niceties.
I myself am a hybrid of two worlds, a chameleon. I slip into geekhood easily; it is my heritage, and I am faster than almost everyone I know at math and science. But I do not choose that life to be my all. I temper my black and white with the shades of philosophy and theology that fill in the grayscale. I treasure my abstract half, while I choose to get dirty by bumping into folks in the concrete world. Abstract and concrete. Faith and reason. Spiritual and physical. It takes a hybrid, I do believe, to make a true philosopher.
As I am waiting for the teapot on the stove to boil, I have decided to write, appropriately, about tea.
I know of several varieties of tea. So far as I have encountered, there exist green tea, red tea, black tea, herbal tea, and white tea. I don't know what makes them these diverse "colors," and I like some of every sort. I also dislike some of every sort. As a generalization, I am not fond of Tazo brand tea, although I drink their green tea in the dining hall out of dire necessity. I much prefer anything blended by the Republic of Tea. From the little *pop* as one removes the end of the cylinder to the delicate aroma of the contents to the final product, the Republic of Tea experience is a joy. And I like their flavored black teas best of all.
Green tea, however, is the best for you, because it is chock-full of antioxidants. I discovered an interesting factoid while perusing
Muscle and Fitness Hers last week as well - apparently, drinking a cup of green tea before bed will soothe mind and body and prepare one for a peaceful sleep. I have tried that a few times this week, and it seemed to work. Or exhaustion could have brought about the same results.
I never appreciated tea properly until four years ago, when Gabi and Ashlea D., beloved roommates, introduced me to its multivarious attractions. Perhaps I still do not appreciate it, because I must drink it with a packet of Splenda applied. Ashlea tells me that one can best taste the flavor without sweetener. I don't know. I find it bitter.
OK, the pot is whistling. Time to imbibe a mugful of Ginseng Peppermint herbal tea from the Republic of Tea. :D
It is a wonderful thing to be running in the spring breeze up a tall hill that cannot conquer me because I am young and joyful and made by God.
I suppose I should add a proper post, not that anyone really cares. 'Cept me. I care. So what should I talk about? Spring break, I suppose.
I've been doing a lot of sleeping. Reading. I bought new sneakers and gave myself blisters after the first mile I ran in them. Yesternight I wrote a poem I think is all right. Had quiet times, of course. And watched movies. I saw
Amazing Grace again with my family on Sunday afternoon,
Bridge to Terabithia Monday, and
Ghost Rider tonight. I figure if I want to watch movies it is best to do so while in the St. Louis area, since we have an excellent chain of theatres, and they offer student rates.
I would love to give detailed reviews, but I feel like I need to go to bed again soon. Suffice it to say that I enjoyed
Amazing Grace again the second time, and I definitely want to own it, but I think it is a little long. I am absolutely blown away by the story it tells - the power of one heroic man (and woman!) to change the world - but as a movie it could be more visually powerful. It has plenty of great dialogue, but it lacks for the one memorable scene that makes a movie into a classic. In
Chariots of Fire that would be for me the race where Eric Liddell is knocked down and gets up to win. Or Abrahams race with Lindsay around the Cambridge square. Or when Mr. Mussabini punches through his hat. You get the idea. Perhaps it is also the music. Music makes a tremendous difference to
Chariots of Fire. And the duel of wills. If it was just Liddell's story, who would watch? But we have Abrahams too, the humanist.
Bridge to Terabithia - Many redeeming elements, but it feels overall to me way too much like
Finding Neverland, only without Johnny Depp. Even down to the ending. I really did like the kids they picked for the parts, although I didn't find the story satisfying overall. Also, a dangerous Romantic worldview that confuses and doesn't give any real answers.
Ghost Rider - Wasn't watching for the worldview, 'cause I knew it would be screwy. OK as a story, and Nicholas Cage makes a good Ghost Rider, but the fight scenes were beyond corny. Also, I can't stand the way they made Eva Mendes act the female lead. Ew, too self-conscious, and who keeps her hair and makeup perfect after a demon has dragged her into a city of the dead and then tossed her into a wall? I want that brand of lipstick! Some people will like this movie, but I don't feel any real urge to watch it again.
I guess that is pretty detailed after all. Maybe I like movies.
God is good. I love Him. I want to love Him more.
