Honest thoughts on life and love

Last night I watched the movie Amazing Grace, and then I slept for nine hours. I feel remarkably peaceful on every level right now. Since I have been unusually exhausted this past week, I am taking advantage of this temporary window of clearheadedness in order to sum up the conclusions of the last few months.

I spoke with Mr. Escobar, my movie project mentor, yesterday. He asked me if I wanted to go into movie work after graduation. I didn't know how to answer, because I am torn two different ways right now. I am trying to decide both what God wants from me as a human being and what He wants from me as a woman. This is confusing for me as a high-IQ woman who wants to get married some day and love a family. I know that I possess some talents that are rare for either men or women. Language, words, and the abstract world are for me colors and music to be shaped. I see. Dr. Hake told my parents once that I had an "uncanny" ability to do this. One thing is for sure - it comes from outside of me. I cannot reason it into existence. It just is. Thus, I pray for words every time I sit down to write.

Last night after Amazing Grace, I was stunned. Carried away. It wasn't so much the movie itself, but the conviction: "That's the sort of movie I want to write." But I am afraid to give myself wholeheartedly to this end because I am a woman. I want to be willing to give up whatever I am doing in order to help a husband. I have seen in my own family the results of a business based around the wife's talents and genius without strong spiritual leadership stemming from the husband, and I don't want to duplicate it. I fear duplicating it.

My other major talent is with people. I can often "read" them too. I told Christy the other day, "When I look at a person, I see something beautiful inside. I want to touch that beauty." This is part of my personality as an ENFJ, a Teacher-type. I see potential, and I long to develop it. In the excess, which I have to restrain, this turns into an inclination to "fix" folks. They can be more. They can always be more. Only God knows what that is, and only God-given wisdom can focus my teaching instincts rightly.

See, my complement is supposed to be an ENFP, a person very like a Teacher-type, only concerned with people's spiritual well-being instead of with the development of their talents. I am only slightly tongue-in-cheek when I say that this means I am supposed to marry a pastor/evangelist someday.

I have many more thoughts, but they will have to wait. It is time for me to attempt a two-mile run with my team for the adventure race.  ¶ 12:25 PM