Life of Pride
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
My soul is bleeding. Why should this be? Everything is going beautifully. I have a few weeks to rest up before I start working on summer projects. I am getting to know people better at church. Tonight I get to attend a percussion concert with some girls who might become friends.
Two evenings ago, my mother had been doing some research on Asian Studies programs for my younger sister's undergraduate education. When she happened upon the University of Hawaii at Manoa, she called me over. I am quite excited about the possibility of attending this university for graduate studies. Its history program has just what I need -- everything. Hawaii, after all, stands at the crossroads between two parts of the world that I am quite sure were joined by maritime traffic at various periods in history.
It occurs to me that I might never have mentioned here my particular fascination with history! This strikes me as unusual. I suppose it is because I scarcely ever talk about those things I hold dearest. Perhaps it is because I understand them via intuition and don't yet have evidence to back them up.
At any rate, the ancient and medieval Americas are my fascination. Did all inhabitants of the Americas come over the Bering Strait? I think not. They couldn't have! In South America in particular, several civilizations "arrived" civilized, creating huge cities by methods we can't even duplicate now. They didn't develop in South America. When they manifested themselves, they already knew what to do. The Mayas are the most prominent example. There was also a civilization like this on the Mississippi River near where St. Louis is now. So how did they get here? If they couldn't walk over at the time, obviously they sailed. And obviously, they are of Asian blood. One DNA study, which Gavin Menzies cited in his book about the Chinese discovering America, concludes that the Native Americans of all sorts most likely spread out from Central America, not from North to South.
My intuition is that the Americas have always been a melting pot of the rest of the world. But when did the different peoples get here? Who were they?
The University of Hawaii at Manoa offers a cross-section of everything I need - early American history and ancient history of all sorts, with especial focus on the Asian countries. My sister and I could live together as she works on her undergraduate program and I on my graduate studies.
I think what is bothering me is this: I was always tentative about committing myself to a plan that necessarily included grad school because I had not yet found an institution that could teach me what I wanted to know. Now I have. I think it is right that I should go. If I don't, it will be one of those things that I always regret. But it adds more unsettled time into my life. And Hawaii is so far away from... everyone.
Now I actually have a post-graduation goal, it seems unnecessary for me to take a year off between undergraduate and graduate school. I could earn my Master's in a year or a year and a half. Then - get this - I could "specialize" in World History for a Ph.D.! That's just what I want to know - everything. But it doesn't seem right to plan that far at this time. I wouldn't necessarily have to earn my Ph.D. at the University of Hawaii. The ISI people say it is often better to earn a Master's and Ph.D. at different institutions. I'm not sure why that is, but they probably know what they're talking about.
Anyway, you can't beat Hawaii for its geography, or so I'm told. I've never been there, but I think I could adapt fairly quickly to not having much of a winter. ;) Let's face it - I would much rather go to grad school in an alive place like Hawaii than in Europe.
So why does this make my soul bleed? It sounds pretty wonderful, doesn't it? My soul bleeds because it is female, and it also holds dreams of marriage and kids. These two sets of dreams are not compatible at the exact same time. I suppose it is therefore a good thing that no guy has professed interest in me up 'til now (well, except that dude when I was 18, but we got rid of him pretty quickly).
So far God has worked everything out pretty well, even concurrent with all the bleeding my soul has done over the last several months. Right now I'm not sure why I have another year at PHC, but I have no doubt that God will show me.
Two evenings ago, my mother had been doing some research on Asian Studies programs for my younger sister's undergraduate education. When she happened upon the University of Hawaii at Manoa, she called me over. I am quite excited about the possibility of attending this university for graduate studies. Its history program has just what I need -- everything. Hawaii, after all, stands at the crossroads between two parts of the world that I am quite sure were joined by maritime traffic at various periods in history.
It occurs to me that I might never have mentioned here my particular fascination with history! This strikes me as unusual. I suppose it is because I scarcely ever talk about those things I hold dearest. Perhaps it is because I understand them via intuition and don't yet have evidence to back them up.
At any rate, the ancient and medieval Americas are my fascination. Did all inhabitants of the Americas come over the Bering Strait? I think not. They couldn't have! In South America in particular, several civilizations "arrived" civilized, creating huge cities by methods we can't even duplicate now. They didn't develop in South America. When they manifested themselves, they already knew what to do. The Mayas are the most prominent example. There was also a civilization like this on the Mississippi River near where St. Louis is now. So how did they get here? If they couldn't walk over at the time, obviously they sailed. And obviously, they are of Asian blood. One DNA study, which Gavin Menzies cited in his book about the Chinese discovering America, concludes that the Native Americans of all sorts most likely spread out from Central America, not from North to South.
My intuition is that the Americas have always been a melting pot of the rest of the world. But when did the different peoples get here? Who were they?
The University of Hawaii at Manoa offers a cross-section of everything I need - early American history and ancient history of all sorts, with especial focus on the Asian countries. My sister and I could live together as she works on her undergraduate program and I on my graduate studies.
I think what is bothering me is this: I was always tentative about committing myself to a plan that necessarily included grad school because I had not yet found an institution that could teach me what I wanted to know. Now I have. I think it is right that I should go. If I don't, it will be one of those things that I always regret. But it adds more unsettled time into my life. And Hawaii is so far away from... everyone.
Now I actually have a post-graduation goal, it seems unnecessary for me to take a year off between undergraduate and graduate school. I could earn my Master's in a year or a year and a half. Then - get this - I could "specialize" in World History for a Ph.D.! That's just what I want to know - everything. But it doesn't seem right to plan that far at this time. I wouldn't necessarily have to earn my Ph.D. at the University of Hawaii. The ISI people say it is often better to earn a Master's and Ph.D. at different institutions. I'm not sure why that is, but they probably know what they're talking about.
Anyway, you can't beat Hawaii for its geography, or so I'm told. I've never been there, but I think I could adapt fairly quickly to not having much of a winter. ;) Let's face it - I would much rather go to grad school in an alive place like Hawaii than in Europe.
So why does this make my soul bleed? It sounds pretty wonderful, doesn't it? My soul bleeds because it is female, and it also holds dreams of marriage and kids. These two sets of dreams are not compatible at the exact same time. I suppose it is therefore a good thing that no guy has professed interest in me up 'til now (well, except that dude when I was 18, but we got rid of him pretty quickly).
So far God has worked everything out pretty well, even concurrent with all the bleeding my soul has done over the last several months. Right now I'm not sure why I have another year at PHC, but I have no doubt that God will show me.
Comments:
So many possibilities, it is true... And I don't have the slightest clue right now which is best. Still, I have to plan for something. I don't think that grad school and romantic relationships are incompatible, but grad school at the same time as marriage would be very difficult. Pragmatically (at least as a Christian), marriage brings kids. Kids need regular maintenance, preferably from their mommy. :)
Sometimes I strongly dislike the uncertainty of being a woman. We never know when or if a man will be interested, and we don't know how that will change everything until it happens. We can't just plan wholeheartedly in one direction! *frown*
That was my mini-rant. Most of the time it is quite nice being a woman.
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Sometimes I strongly dislike the uncertainty of being a woman. We never know when or if a man will be interested, and we don't know how that will change everything until it happens. We can't just plan wholeheartedly in one direction! *frown*
That was my mini-rant. Most of the time it is quite nice being a woman.
