De Amore

Love is a tricky topic for women these days, I think, because we ladies need it so much to be happy. It is a vulnerability, a weakness. This is a tough world, and so we women are taught to be tough. So even among ourselves we don't much talk about "love." We talk about "relationships" or "marriage," thus distancing ourselves a little bit.

I know I'm scared to talk about love. For various reasons, I've always had to be tough. I've grown up a sort of secondary mama in our house. Possibly for this reason, my sisters and I are very dissimilar. They had crushes right and left (to my disgust) from early teen-hood on. I had one very quiet and secret little crush on Han Solo (lol) at age 13, and then I didn't have any others until age 17. There was no use in it, and who needed boys anyway? Besides, I was quite sure I was hideous, so who would like me in return? It was much simpler not to have crushes at all.

For us women, it is essential to know that we are pretty. You men may look at a lovely woman and think that it is obvious she is gorgeous. But does she know it? Quite possibly not. We always need to be reminded from day to day. This is why we ladies are always complimenting each other. It gives us that little reassurance and makes us happy. When a woman thinks she is not beautiful, it is easier not to make an effort. If she makes an effort and is still not beautiful, that would render her completely vulnerable to hopelessness. If she doesn't try, perhaps she could be beautiful if she did. This is why loved women often become more beautiful. They have the security to try.

Anyway, I think that every woman needs to well and truly fall in love at least once. The reason is that the Bible writes a lot about love, but it is very difficult to understand it rationally. The best way to love God, I think, is to feel strong emotions for other human beings and to realize that you should feel that way for God as well. When people say that love makes the world go 'round, it is true. All of our lives are an exploration in how better to love God and man. It is impossible to love God truly without showing it to other humans, and any true human love has more than a smattering of the holy about it.

I don't know right now how deep human love can grow. I've had a funny feeling for a while that I will be 27 years old before I am married. To tell the truth, I don't know whether this impression pleases or saddens me. Love brings with it responsibilities of service and respect, and I sense my own immature, rebellious spirit. If I fell in love, I would want to do it properly. So I am trusting God to write my story for me. He has a far better imagination than I do, after all.

Honestly, what I want is to serve a man with all my heart. I have goals of my own, which I would be tempted to let overwhelm a husband's unless he was going somewhere concrete. There aren't many guys my age heading anywhere with purpose. I don't want to lead. I want to follow.

So I don't want so much out of life. I want to write a few things and I want to follow a man who is traveling somewhere interesting and who loves me. :D Ya, I think that 27 is a good age for marriage.  ¶ 6:58 AM