Life of Pride
Monday, February 06, 2006
Apparently, when I post things that are semi-intelligent, people will comment. :) That is encouraging. It prompts me to write out some of what I have personally learned about time. For quite a few years now, my life has been all about Achievement with a capital A. In high school, especially the last couple of years before I went to PHC, I was taking multiple Advanced Placement classes through distance learning and working for my parents. The year I was 16, I was competing as a team with my friends Nate M. and Jon B. in the year-long ThinkQuest website competition. I was also taking AP Computer Science AB, AP Macroeconomics, Latin III, and various other miscellaneous distance-learning classes - and working for my parents. On top of this, my mom was always asking me why I didn't work more. The next year, I took AP Calculus, AP US Gov't, AP Physics B, and AP Latin, along with finishing another year of science with the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, earning my TKD black belt, and helping my mom produce the next version of her curriculum guide.
Since I was used to working from morning to night, I moved seamlessly from home to PHC life. I knew how to study and how to look after my own interests. What I didn't know was where to stop with time commitment - or how to pray, or the value of true friendship, since I was quite sure I could handle all things on my own. I still remember how awkward I felt in my first wing chapel when everyone was praying out loud and I had to do it too. I didn't know - was I supposed to just sound pious, or what? But nobody could have known from looking at me what was going on in my heart.
So it's been a learning process, and God has been good. He took me, a damaged commodity, and turned me into an adult. This has required pain and disorientation, like setting a broken bone back into its proper place. I had thought I wanted to serve God before, but I had intended to control the process. I had tried to "help" Him with all my talents, on the theory that I would do something really famous and therefore "good" with my life. I had a 15-year plan, from PHC to grad. school to life as a well-known linguist.
But of course, God doesn't need help. All He wants from us is simple obedience. And the only way I could discover what this meant for me in particular was through prayer to Him and through reading the answers He had written in the Bible to answer my questions long before I asked them.
For all those previous years, I had always lived with a glooming sense of guilt. Whatever I did, there was always more I could have done. I think my posts from the summer of 2004 reveal some of this attitude. What I didn't "get" was that, if I could truly always do more, it made no sense to worry about it. I would be in the same spot every day, whether or not I worried. Why not just stop and take a look around me?
Now I'm starting to see that this guilt was related to my problem with authority. It made me miserable that I couldn't do everything, because I didn't trust God to use other people. I thought I had to be God myself. In reality, our time limitations are an incredible blessing. So long as we use our days wisely, it does not matter at the end if we do not complete everything we think we need to do. God gives us just as much time as He wishes.
The question then becomes, How do we find out how to spend time wisely?
God delights to pour out wisdom on those who ask for it... If we have not, it is because we ask not... Greatly blessed is the man who standeth not in the counsel of the ungodly ... But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on this law doth he meditate, day and night. He shall be like a tree, planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in its season
Augustine says that indecision is sin, because it is a fragmentation of wills. We have all heard that nothing can be turned unless it is moving. So I, in short, have learned to pray for wisdom, and then to move forward in activities that I can rationally determine are good. Occasionally - and these are the exciting periods - I am struck with the impulse to do something wonderfully frightening, something that I know I must do. Most of the time, I feel my way like everyone else.
How do I express this? I could sum up this whole, long post, just by saying that I am learning to be human. I will never know everything, nor can I make God tell me. So once I strive to understand, I can be content with the results of that day's striving, instead of wishing at the end for complete knowledge. I can just stop, give it all to God, and rest.
"There is a time for every purpose under Heaven."
You know, I wanted to write more about passing vs. spending time. But I didn't. So I shall have to save that post.
Since I was used to working from morning to night, I moved seamlessly from home to PHC life. I knew how to study and how to look after my own interests. What I didn't know was where to stop with time commitment - or how to pray, or the value of true friendship, since I was quite sure I could handle all things on my own. I still remember how awkward I felt in my first wing chapel when everyone was praying out loud and I had to do it too. I didn't know - was I supposed to just sound pious, or what? But nobody could have known from looking at me what was going on in my heart.
So it's been a learning process, and God has been good. He took me, a damaged commodity, and turned me into an adult. This has required pain and disorientation, like setting a broken bone back into its proper place. I had thought I wanted to serve God before, but I had intended to control the process. I had tried to "help" Him with all my talents, on the theory that I would do something really famous and therefore "good" with my life. I had a 15-year plan, from PHC to grad. school to life as a well-known linguist.
But of course, God doesn't need help. All He wants from us is simple obedience. And the only way I could discover what this meant for me in particular was through prayer to Him and through reading the answers He had written in the Bible to answer my questions long before I asked them.
For all those previous years, I had always lived with a glooming sense of guilt. Whatever I did, there was always more I could have done. I think my posts from the summer of 2004 reveal some of this attitude. What I didn't "get" was that, if I could truly always do more, it made no sense to worry about it. I would be in the same spot every day, whether or not I worried. Why not just stop and take a look around me?
Now I'm starting to see that this guilt was related to my problem with authority. It made me miserable that I couldn't do everything, because I didn't trust God to use other people. I thought I had to be God myself. In reality, our time limitations are an incredible blessing. So long as we use our days wisely, it does not matter at the end if we do not complete everything we think we need to do. God gives us just as much time as He wishes.
The question then becomes, How do we find out how to spend time wisely?
God delights to pour out wisdom on those who ask for it... If we have not, it is because we ask not... Greatly blessed is the man who standeth not in the counsel of the ungodly ... But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on this law doth he meditate, day and night. He shall be like a tree, planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in its season
Augustine says that indecision is sin, because it is a fragmentation of wills. We have all heard that nothing can be turned unless it is moving. So I, in short, have learned to pray for wisdom, and then to move forward in activities that I can rationally determine are good. Occasionally - and these are the exciting periods - I am struck with the impulse to do something wonderfully frightening, something that I know I must do. Most of the time, I feel my way like everyone else.
How do I express this? I could sum up this whole, long post, just by saying that I am learning to be human. I will never know everything, nor can I make God tell me. So once I strive to understand, I can be content with the results of that day's striving, instead of wishing at the end for complete knowledge. I can just stop, give it all to God, and rest.
"There is a time for every purpose under Heaven."
You know, I wanted to write more about passing vs. spending time. But I didn't. So I shall have to save that post.
Comments:
Thanks for the invite to comment :D
Your mention of time reminds me of Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Next Five Minutes". You might say I know it well. A PHC alum and I were recently talking about the stereotypical PHC student in '00 and '01: First-born, Type-A, Straight A, perfectionist, "over-commited", etc. etc. etc. I hear that the student body has become a bit more diverse over the last few years. In a way, I anticipated something like that when the choice came for me to attend PHC. As it happens, I would have fit in "perfectly" ;)
Perhaps that's one of the reasons God led me to another school (only slightly less "type-A", I might add). I know the lifestyle well. Homeschooling prepared me well for a similar lifestyle at a college where every minute counted. Every minute was an investment; either a wise choice or a poor one. Next 5 Minutes speaks of personal responsibility, but I believe a more fitting theme song for your recent entry would be his song: "Whatever"
"I made a list,
wrote down from A to Z;
All the ways I thought,
that You could best use me;
Told all my strengths and my abilities.
I formed a plan;
it seemed to make good sense.
I laid it out for You;
so sure You'd be convinced.
I made my case, presented my defense,
But then I read the letter,
that You sent me.
It said that all You really want from me is just, Whatever, whatever You say..."
Your mention of time reminds me of Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Next Five Minutes". You might say I know it well. A PHC alum and I were recently talking about the stereotypical PHC student in '00 and '01: First-born, Type-A, Straight A, perfectionist, "over-commited", etc. etc. etc. I hear that the student body has become a bit more diverse over the last few years. In a way, I anticipated something like that when the choice came for me to attend PHC. As it happens, I would have fit in "perfectly" ;)
Perhaps that's one of the reasons God led me to another school (only slightly less "type-A", I might add). I know the lifestyle well. Homeschooling prepared me well for a similar lifestyle at a college where every minute counted. Every minute was an investment; either a wise choice or a poor one. Next 5 Minutes speaks of personal responsibility, but I believe a more fitting theme song for your recent entry would be his song: "Whatever"
"I made a list,
wrote down from A to Z;
All the ways I thought,
that You could best use me;
Told all my strengths and my abilities.
I formed a plan;
it seemed to make good sense.
I laid it out for You;
so sure You'd be convinced.
I made my case, presented my defense,
But then I read the letter,
that You sent me.
It said that all You really want from me is just, Whatever, whatever You say..."
Kit: Really? That's encouraging! :) I guess my natural thought, looking at your outside, was that you are somehow a "better" person than me. Wiser, perhaps. Anyway, I guess there's a reason that we always "feel" like friends, even when we can't talk much.
David: My goodness, that's perfect! Those two exact songs are some of the ones that helped me realize what was going on inside me. That, and his "last day here on Earth" song, the exact name of which slips my mind. One suspects that Steven Curtis Chapman also tends towards being a type-A personality.
Nate: That could make an interesting post. Maybe I'll do that later.
David: My goodness, that's perfect! Those two exact songs are some of the ones that helped me realize what was going on inside me. That, and his "last day here on Earth" song, the exact name of which slips my mind. One suspects that Steven Curtis Chapman also tends towards being a type-A personality.
Nate: That could make an interesting post. Maybe I'll do that later.
I know the struggle. Sorta. Maybe I just gave up earlier, I'm not sure. =)
At any rate - I think we all have to learn that we're human. I think I learned this about 5 years ago. The blessing is -- I've enjoyed these LAST five years ("five minutes") of my life more than I ever enjoyed at time spent before that. I don't know if my last sentence is meant to be encouraging or not. ;D
Somehow once I figured out that I couldn't do everything I planned and said I would - it was silly to worry. I could only take the next step.
Why is this lesson so hard for us? I dunno. But it's so important.
Thanks for your post on the subject! I frequently need an encouraging reminder. ;)
At any rate - I think we all have to learn that we're human. I think I learned this about 5 years ago. The blessing is -- I've enjoyed these LAST five years ("five minutes") of my life more than I ever enjoyed at time spent before that. I don't know if my last sentence is meant to be encouraging or not. ;D
Somehow once I figured out that I couldn't do everything I planned and said I would - it was silly to worry. I could only take the next step.
Why is this lesson so hard for us? I dunno. But it's so important.
Thanks for your post on the subject! I frequently need an encouraging reminder. ;)
Carrie: I think I have advanced in steps towards acceptance of my life for several years now. I have only recently been able to put a name to the temptation, however.
Nate: It is good to strive, but, at the end of the day, it is good to rest.
Johnson's letter to Boswell: "The dissipation of thought of which you complain, is nothing more than the vacillation of a mind suspended between different motives, and changing its direction as any motive gains or loses strength. If you can but kindle in your mind any strong desire; if you can but keep predominant any wish for some particular excellence or attainment, the gusts of imagination will break away, without any effect upon your conduct, and commonly without any traces left upon the memory."
This is exactly what I have learned! Constant unrest comes from mixed motives. Peace comes from following one path only.
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Nate: It is good to strive, but, at the end of the day, it is good to rest.
Johnson's letter to Boswell: "The dissipation of thought of which you complain, is nothing more than the vacillation of a mind suspended between different motives, and changing its direction as any motive gains or loses strength. If you can but kindle in your mind any strong desire; if you can but keep predominant any wish for some particular excellence or attainment, the gusts of imagination will break away, without any effect upon your conduct, and commonly without any traces left upon the memory."
This is exactly what I have learned! Constant unrest comes from mixed motives. Peace comes from following one path only.
