I move through my last few days here at school in a sort of fog. I find it hard to think about much of anything. I operate on autopilot by God's grace, staying cheerful, writing papers, studying, taking tests. I turned in my last paper for the semester on Wednesday at 1pm, but it didn't feel special. It was just the next step of schoolwork. I studied yesterday and tutored and drove to see my Narnia prescreening. The movie was awesome, and I forgot myself entirely for those hours. Then I studied all this morning, took a final at 1pm, tutored at 3pm, and did Student Senate stuff until dinner. Again, the day doesn't feel special, like the end of something. But it is. And it's even stranger for the students who are graduating this semester, I imagine. Still, I know I will be delighted when I graduate. This doesn't feel the same. It feels as though everyone else will leave me behind.

I love all my friends who are trying to make me feel better. They're a great group. Sometimes I am quite happy for stretches at a time. Then at others I just feel so weary. Where am I? Where is my joy? Why is my heart so deep and heavy? It's the incommunicability of it all, I think. I don't want to burden people. I'm afraid they won't really care, because they are all so busy also.

Ah, there's a spark of life inside me. A bit of humor, a breath released. A sad heart is good for me, because it brings me closer to God. I thank Him for my sadness. As I'm driven closer and closer to Him, I catch the sudden halfway almost-glimpses of the bigger future that's in store. I am beginning to understand.

This is what wisdom is. Wisdom and understanding is happiness interspersed with sadness, because that's what the world is. Wisdom is the order and structure of the world. So if I pray for and long for wisdom, I can also expect some sadness to accompany it. Makes sense.  ¶ 3:56 PM