Life of Pride
Friday, May 27, 2005
I'm a moody person inside. You wouldn't think it when you meet me. I seem happy and talkative, always with the witty comment. But inside, down deep, many emotions turn over and over. I care about many things very intensely.
The trouble is, I can't talk about whatever I care about intensely. Usually it has taken a long and complicated thought process to make me care intensely. I know my speaking limitations. When I try to communicate anything long and complicated with my spoken voice, I lose people. That's why I have to write. When I write, I can look at an entire thought at once. I can mold it once I have created it all, and I can re-order parts that don't yet make sense. When I'm speaking, I have to get it right the first time.
The deep thought I was thinking yesterday was this: God made me intelligent, and He woke me up and called me to Him. Also, He made me very stubborn, and a hard worker. I've thought for a long time that He wants me to do something great with my life. I mean, Great with a capital G. Something big. Like, somehow my life will influence many others, not just my immediate circle. But how? What? Why me, a woman?
Lately, I've begun not to trust my feelings in general. I've been absolutely convinced before about things that weren't true. Still, this seems different. I'm not the same as most people. Everything, all my childhood, all my experience, all my abilities - they point me to leadership. And yet, still I am a woman. I find I am much happier and more effective as a second-in-command, backing the person I believe strongly is best.
So what I think is this: I don't yet have my personal leader. Until I do, it is all right for me to operate as a first-in-command on occasion, if I am needed. In short, I don't submit to every man. I may give a man my respect, but I do not owe it to him because he is a man. He has to earn it. It is the same with my brothers by blood. I will love them and care for them, but if they want my respect, they have to earn it.
This is obviously an issue I've had to settle fairly recently, since I ran for student body president at college. :) Of course I wasn't gonna win. I wanted to talk about unity in Christ, and vision for His kingdom, that is all. Still, it seems some people turned off their ears because I am a woman. That is the true tragedy. Nevertheless, I am at peace, because I prayed all along for God to use my words the way He wanted. That way, I know they were not wasted.
---
Wedding news: We decorated hundreds of little party favors yesterday. They needed meticulous work, because Mrs. Bisagno had us wrap these little candy holders in a piece of tulle, fasten the tulle with three little decorations, and then tie two ribbons around each one. It took five of us five hours of work to do them all. They are very pretty, at least.
Today Magda is putting the wedding cake together and decorating it. Her butter frosting is very tasty. She learned to make it in cake decorating classes back in MO. I admire her talent, though for some reason she is very defensive around me. I think she wants to prove that she has abilities in an area that I have not learned. I suppose it is natural, since I am her older sister and have always done much better in scholastics than she has. So I am leaving her alone.
There's not much for me to do. The guys are off getting fitted for their tuxedos; Naomi's watching a DVD; Magda's decorating. So I'm reading people's blogs and posting in my own. It's nice to have a break in order to put a few words together. This family isn't very literary, so people have been watching TV or movies nonstop. They have a TV in both their family room and their living room, and there's nowhere else to go if the TV is running. I feel like I haven't read a book in forever, even though it's less than a week. I can't wait until all this fuss is over and I can write more Erthe. I should have posted what I had on my website, and then I could have added to it over the week. That is a thought for next time I travel. :)
All right; the noisy people are back. Time to see what's up.
The trouble is, I can't talk about whatever I care about intensely. Usually it has taken a long and complicated thought process to make me care intensely. I know my speaking limitations. When I try to communicate anything long and complicated with my spoken voice, I lose people. That's why I have to write. When I write, I can look at an entire thought at once. I can mold it once I have created it all, and I can re-order parts that don't yet make sense. When I'm speaking, I have to get it right the first time.
The deep thought I was thinking yesterday was this: God made me intelligent, and He woke me up and called me to Him. Also, He made me very stubborn, and a hard worker. I've thought for a long time that He wants me to do something great with my life. I mean, Great with a capital G. Something big. Like, somehow my life will influence many others, not just my immediate circle. But how? What? Why me, a woman?
Lately, I've begun not to trust my feelings in general. I've been absolutely convinced before about things that weren't true. Still, this seems different. I'm not the same as most people. Everything, all my childhood, all my experience, all my abilities - they point me to leadership. And yet, still I am a woman. I find I am much happier and more effective as a second-in-command, backing the person I believe strongly is best.
So what I think is this: I don't yet have my personal leader. Until I do, it is all right for me to operate as a first-in-command on occasion, if I am needed. In short, I don't submit to every man. I may give a man my respect, but I do not owe it to him because he is a man. He has to earn it. It is the same with my brothers by blood. I will love them and care for them, but if they want my respect, they have to earn it.
This is obviously an issue I've had to settle fairly recently, since I ran for student body president at college. :) Of course I wasn't gonna win. I wanted to talk about unity in Christ, and vision for His kingdom, that is all. Still, it seems some people turned off their ears because I am a woman. That is the true tragedy. Nevertheless, I am at peace, because I prayed all along for God to use my words the way He wanted. That way, I know they were not wasted.
---
Wedding news: We decorated hundreds of little party favors yesterday. They needed meticulous work, because Mrs. Bisagno had us wrap these little candy holders in a piece of tulle, fasten the tulle with three little decorations, and then tie two ribbons around each one. It took five of us five hours of work to do them all. They are very pretty, at least.
Today Magda is putting the wedding cake together and decorating it. Her butter frosting is very tasty. She learned to make it in cake decorating classes back in MO. I admire her talent, though for some reason she is very defensive around me. I think she wants to prove that she has abilities in an area that I have not learned. I suppose it is natural, since I am her older sister and have always done much better in scholastics than she has. So I am leaving her alone.
There's not much for me to do. The guys are off getting fitted for their tuxedos; Naomi's watching a DVD; Magda's decorating. So I'm reading people's blogs and posting in my own. It's nice to have a break in order to put a few words together. This family isn't very literary, so people have been watching TV or movies nonstop. They have a TV in both their family room and their living room, and there's nowhere else to go if the TV is running. I feel like I haven't read a book in forever, even though it's less than a week. I can't wait until all this fuss is over and I can write more Erthe. I should have posted what I had on my website, and then I could have added to it over the week. That is a thought for next time I travel. :)
All right; the noisy people are back. Time to see what's up.
Comments:
We have a lot in common -- I think I sometimes come across as always happy-go-lucky and fun when really there is a lot I may be thinking about and working through inside... that I communicate through writing because speaking just doesn't get it across as well :).
Can also hear you about not trusting your feelings -- how many times have I been totally convinced of something, and then the opposite was true... how many times have I totally wanted something that God denied, and now looking back I am so glad He did... I am so thankful that God is constant, and that His Truth never changes!
Definitely you are intelligent and gifted, and I think God has called you to something special -- and I'm not just saying that, I really think so.
I believe every Christian should be a leader in some sense, but I believe that God has called women to lead more (not always) in positions of influence, not as first-in-command. If a man is not stepping up to take a position of leadership, I don't know that it's helpful for a woman to replace him -- because that's not what we should be doing, we should be making the men around us into leaders, encouraging them and motivating them to become the men God has called them to be.
Leading as a woman in this indirect way, and being in this position of influence (not to mention taking "first-in-command" roles among children, adolescents, and other women) is definitely a position with huge potential, a position that requires skill, a position that does give a sense of greatness if not always recognition.
So think about this... from someone who was as conservative as possible on women's issues at the age of 12 (and got a rather incriminating quote into New Attitude about it, too... don't ask) and then swung the other way into a feminism as a teenager... and is now trying to balance out and to find the truth in God's calling for a woman, without reacting to any current idea.
Can also hear you about not trusting your feelings -- how many times have I been totally convinced of something, and then the opposite was true... how many times have I totally wanted something that God denied, and now looking back I am so glad He did... I am so thankful that God is constant, and that His Truth never changes!
Definitely you are intelligent and gifted, and I think God has called you to something special -- and I'm not just saying that, I really think so.
I believe every Christian should be a leader in some sense, but I believe that God has called women to lead more (not always) in positions of influence, not as first-in-command. If a man is not stepping up to take a position of leadership, I don't know that it's helpful for a woman to replace him -- because that's not what we should be doing, we should be making the men around us into leaders, encouraging them and motivating them to become the men God has called them to be.
Leading as a woman in this indirect way, and being in this position of influence (not to mention taking "first-in-command" roles among children, adolescents, and other women) is definitely a position with huge potential, a position that requires skill, a position that does give a sense of greatness if not always recognition.
So think about this... from someone who was as conservative as possible on women's issues at the age of 12 (and got a rather incriminating quote into New Attitude about it, too... don't ask) and then swung the other way into a feminism as a teenager... and is now trying to balance out and to find the truth in God's calling for a woman, without reacting to any current idea.
Good thoughts, and I so agree with your mature judgments, but the hard question is this: What do you do when you know you are supposed to do something leadership-oriented, and you really don't want to, but you know you have to? That's how I felt about running for student body president. And I'm still working that through. How does that fit into my worldview? What is my worldview on the matter? So I wouldn't take my blog post as the definitive last word there. It is such a difficult issue. :P
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