Why does summer creep along so slowly at first, then, just when you've gotten used to the pace, grab your time with both hands and race away with it? I have only four weeks left until school, and I cannot believe it's been two weeks since I posted here last. And yet, when I think of all I've done in these past two weeks, all I've thought and written, the time seems to stretch.
I've been home nine weeks, and I'm not the same person I was. I'm at peace, mostly. I've settled several worries about my life.
First is how I see myself and my dreams. Often when I'm studying something big - and my project of understanding the first 3000 years of human history is
huge! - I will suddenly catch a glimpse of the answers, all together, as a whole. I can "see" the whole picture, like a flash of lightning that illuminates a pitch-dark skyscraper for a fraction of a second. Those are the exciting moments that make research of any sort worthwhile.
The problem comes with the laborious movement of a big idea from my mind to other people's. This is the work that will consume most of my life. I have to figure out how to break the skyscraper down into little, movable chunks, and provide a clear and logical enough diagram that anyone can put it back together again.
For a while, I thought every part of this was my job. It might still be. On the other hand, I may just be the spark that sets off the engine of the huge machine that does the job. Or I may only be a cog. The point is that I have no idea where I fit in, only that I have to work to learn first the information itself, and then the tools of communicating it. Obey God and work, looking just ahead, and that's how I find peace.
I don't think it's wrong to look to the hugeness of the world and the smallness of myself and be awed. I just don't think God wants me to try to plan the big picture. He doesn't want me to worry about whether or not every little thing I do now will impact plans for the future. He controls the future, and He wants me to follow His daily commands and trust in the eventual formation of the big picture.
I often think in similes. I'm thinking of one now. It's like when you take a photograph, print it in high resolution, draw grid lines over it, then draw the picture on another sheet of paper by copying one little square at a time. If you faithfully reproduce each square, they all come together to make the picture again.
I had all sorts of grandiose plans for this summer. As usual, what I actually accomplished so far hasn't matched up. Unlike last summer, however, I feel happy about what I
have done. While I haven't had anything published anywhere except my parents' mag, I
did have a couple of Spotlight Reviews, of which I am fairly proud, published there. I have entered a few contests, learned quite a lot about the publishing industry for my future benefit, and written maybe 11,000 words of fiction. This was not a waste.
I intended to learn German. By the end of the summer, I'll have finished German I. This is something, a start.
I intended to pay off my credit cards. By the end of the summer, I'll have about $1000 left over.
I intended to lose my sophomore weight gain and some more of the remaining 10 lbs of the freshman 18. If I keep up the way I am now, not only will I have done this, but I will be in much better health by the time I return to school.
I'm not sure exactly what my goal was when it came to my diffusionist studies, because I didn't know where to start. Now I do. My new file box is beginning to fill with research. I have begun the website, www.erthe.net (or www.diffusionist.com), in which I will compile my research, though I don't know enough about anything yet to write it up. :-D I am still amazingly ignorant, but I'm making progress.
Most importantly of all, my relationship with God has strengthened. I trust Him, even enough to say that, if he wants to keep me single even for the
next 20 years so that I can do this work, so be it. :) :) On the other hand, if I am supposed to get married in that time, I trust that that will be the best for His plan as well. Personally, I have no idea.
My little sister and I are sewing a doll, by hand. Her name is Miranda, and she is like no other doll seen before. We originally intended her to be small, but over time she has become worthy of the opposite adjective. (Isn't that wonderfully periphrastic?) ;) Miranda has grown to be almost as tall as my sister, who is 10 years old, and she resembles a pink, slightly fuzzy egg. She may look better after I sew on her legs and her other arm; we'll see. Adding hair would help matters as well.
I'm thinking that I might bring Miranda back to college with me in six weeks, and use her as an extra pillow. She is awfully cushy. I also foresee some wonderful opportunities for practical jokes. At the very least, I do not doubt that the fact she exists and that I spent an entire week creating her will cause my roomies great amusement.
Speaking of college, I'm starting to get scared. The weeks are whooshing by faster and faster. I want to make the most of my precious rest, and yet keep it restful. :)
Movie reviews:
Spiderman 2 - If you haven't seen it, do. I rarely see movies more than once in the theater, but this is one of the few I am eager to see again. Everything is thought out well, and I love all the characters. Visual effects are very believable. Also, wonder of wonders, it does not have any sex nonsense. Spidey 2 is like a breath of fresh air to those of us who want to watch a movie without the discomforts of gaping plot flaws and people falling all over each other after only two minutes of acquaintance.
Missed a few days, oh well. That's how it goes with summer.
I think my prayers seven weeks ago have been answered - I'm happy where I am, at this point in time, and trying to use my days wisely. This means that I am reading and writing, and still learning German. Also, I am talking to friends on IM to all hours (you know who you are!). :)
Why would anyone voluntarily choose to be a writer? The more I try to create fiction, the more I realize my limitations. I improve, and yet I'm never where I should be. I showed the first chapter of Erthe to my mother last night, and the highest praise she gave was that it was "editable."
"That means it's not a total loss," she explained.
Such lofty laudits floored me completely. I am admittedly quite young, but each time I type a sentence I still hope that this time, perhaps, I will have gotten it right. I suspect that if I live to be 80, I will hope the same thing.
Yet still, always this insane compulsion to keep on trying.
