Life of Pride

2009-04-10T11:59:00.001-07:00

I finished the film festival, learning far too much in the process ever to sum up neatly. I'm not sure, but I think I may have outgrown this blog. For so much of what I wrote before, all I have is stillness and wonder that I could have thought that. God has rearranged me, and I am glad for it.

In the next few months, I'll be making decisions about where to step next. I pray that God keeps me close. There is ever so much more to learn about Him.

2008-09-12T08:05:00.001-07:00

Have I really not posted or checked blogdom for two months? Apparently. I must be living life instead. It's an amazing feeling.

I am so glad to be out of college. I am delighted to finally be testing my wings outside the homeschool community. I am just me, Sarah, no baggage attached except my own. No need to hide imperfection for fear it will reflect badly on the family "image" and therefore our entire livelihood. This adaptation between worlds has been a trip, and occasionally surreality still hits. Christ heals.

So much happening. Switching caregroups. Making this: Moonlight Film Fest. Oh yes, and a badly sprained ankle that has given me a hiatus from martial arts. Where is life going? If you find out, let me know.

2008-07-17T06:48:00.000-07:00

Ha. I am still so young and foolish that I don't even know what I don't know. Funny. Every once in a while I turn around, and I've grown in wisdom, and then I turn around again, and I am seriously lacking.

My biggest question right now is how to balance time and money appropriately. I have far too many things I want to do, and not enough time to do them in. I always find myself in that situation.

I've been thinking about this verse: For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible to you. (Matthew 17:20)

There was a time I believed this verse simply and absolutely. I believed that I could pray, and things would move. Then I hit a few snags with prayers, when nothing seemed to be happening. Some of these apparent roadblocks still stand.

I understand a little better now. I notice that Jesus doesn't say that the mountain will jump, only that it will move. He says nothing about its speed of movement. Some mountains take a lifetime, or many lifetimes, to shift their foundations. Nor does He promise that we ourselves will be able to see our mountains move. In fact, if we could see, we wouldn't have faith. Faith is the "evidence of things not seen."

When Whittaker Chambers became a Christian and left the Communist Party, he wrote that he joined the "losing side of history." And yet, partially in thanks to him and partially to many other brave souls, communism came crashing down in 1991. Chambers was already dead at that point, pushed into his grave early by sorrows and constant struggles.

How many things can we do if we give up our "right" to see results, if we die to all notions of profiting from success in this world? It seems awfully hard. But the truth is this: God is, and He delights to reward those who diligently seek Him. Everything is God's, and He may choose to give it out as He sees fit, in His timing. Whether I am rewarded now or in eternity is not my concern. Obedience is.

2008-07-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

So, I might be learning Brazilian jiujitsu as well as TKD. I always wanted to learn jiujitsu. It's somewhat intimidating, since it involves grappling and trying to break people's limbs, but that is also what makes it actually useful for self-defense. 90% of fights end up on the ground, after all. My dojang is offering classes in this martial art after the TKD classes I normally attend on Mondays and Thursdays.

I am also going to go ahead and dive into the research for Not A Creature of the State, the book I would love to complete.

I am unsure how much longer this blog will exist. I may remove it from the Internet entirely at some point in this next year, depending on when and if I become more publicly known.

2008-06-23T19:53:00.000-07:00

Long day - twelve hours of driving. Another one tomorrow. Then Lil and I will be at the Grand Canyon. I can't imagine what it will look like or be like. I haven't ever really been out West, except for when we drove to Cali three years ago for big bro's wedding.

Nothing like a personal adventure thousands of miles away from work to put life into perspective.

Also, I had known that a large portion of my love language is tied up in touch, but I guess I had forgotten. I spent five days with family, and I found myself hugging or patting siblings and parents every time I saw them. I was so, so lonely these last months, but for now that terrible sensation has faded away.

One more week, and then back to work. I think I will be ready for routine by then, but for now it is wonderful to wander.

2008-06-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

I find that I have 9.5 vacation days to use before the end of June. Counting in two weekends, this gives me just about two weeks. So I'm road-trippin'. Heading West, through Missouri and into the smoky, dusty deserts of the southwest. The plan is to wind up at the Grand Canyon, spend about four days there, and then wend my way back into New Mexico for a day of sightseeing and a friend's wedding. Then, back through MO, on to VA, and back to work.

I hope to grab my youngest sister, Lillie, on the way and treat her to an adventure with her oldest sister. That would be awesome.

Also, I am applying to Regent University's School of Communications and the Arts for fall of 2009. We will see what God does. It will have to be His story, because I do not possess the finances.

My life is very blessed and adventurous right now. I spent the weekend of 24-27 May in Louisville, KY for a conference called New Attitude. I sang my heart out to God with 3500 other young people and sat under the teaching of men like C.J. Mahaney and John Piper. I was able to share the time with one of my best friends, Ashlea D., which rendered me doubly blessed. And then this Memorial Day weekend I drove to VA Beach to visit Regent University for the Reel Dreams Film Festival final event. I saw God's hand all throughout both weekends.

2008-05-14T06:39:00.000-07:00

The specifics attached to the generalities of my last post are that I have decided I would like to become more involved with my TKD dojang. I think I'll be living in this area another few years. So I'm allowing myself to dig in a bit. It's odd because I've been "temporary" for the last couple of years - first, eight months in MO, then senior year at PHC with no idea what was coming next. In a way, I had few roots anywhere when I graduated, thus the bizarre "homeless" feeling.

So anyway, this Saturday I work the PHC graduation in the morning and early afternoon, but by 2:00 I have to be at my dojang, wearing my dobak, for Kukkiwon black belt testing. Turns out I was never officially registered at the Kukkiwon in Korea, despite the fact that I have been a first-dan black belt for six years now. I need to get that official before I can push forward to second dan.

In prep for Saturday, I need to attend class as much as I can this week. I went to two classes in a row on Monday evening, and I'm doing the same tonight. Thursday, I'll go for my regular one hour. The second classes Mon/Wed are for instructors, one of whom I hope to become. Warmups for these higher-level classes begin by doing "ten tens," meaning that everyone falls down gracefully and safely, does ten crunches, ten leg lifts, and ten pushups - then repeats the whole set of exercises ten times total, as quickly as possible. After that, we proceed to other things. ;)

Needless to say, my abs protested yesterday and this morning at the slightest use. And I'm looking forward to tonight. ;) My TKD community is a good place to invest myself in loving others, especially those who don't know my Lord and Savior.

2008-05-13T07:09:00.000-07:00

There comes a moment when you commit to someone or something, which is the same as admitting that you love that person or thing. You stop holding back, and you give yourself with gusto and abandon. But in so doing, you give another power to hurt you and thereby to change you. Never commit, never love - and you never get hurt. Also, you never live.

Life itself is love - the extrusion of self into the world. That makes Jesus the personification of God's love. Living love, wholly love, utterly selfless. He kept nothing back.

Funny thing is, the more self extruded, the more a harsh world chops it off, the less "self" you have left. In losing earthly self, you find eternal self. The soul shines brighter and more pure. And so the strangest paradox of all is this - the more you love, the less this world can touch the essential you.

2008-04-18T13:09:00.000-07:00

I have any number of ideas swimming around, as always. Lately, I've been reading books by Franky Schaeffer, son of Francis and Edith Schaeffer. I finished a short piece about Christian mediocrity in art, and now I'm taking on his autobiography. Fascinating stuff. He's somewhat of an apostate from his father's heritage; Franky is now a member of the Greek Orthodox Church. He castigates himself for helping to form the conservative religious right and tying it to politics.

I don't know what I think about the current state of American Christianity - its good points, its flaws, and where it lies on the overall continuum of church history. I do know that I believe the Bible because I must, because its principles are the one and only thing that make sense of life. I also know that I will always be at least partially wrong, just like everyone else, which is why it is so essential to stay in community with fellow Christians.

I created a short film in the first week of April and entered it in the online Reel Dreams Film Fest. It makes fun of the super-melodrama in which my generation of twenty-somethings likes to indulge.

As a sidenote, the more I read about our quarter-life crises, the more I realize that we are indeed quite spoiled. We are a generation (speaking generally) that had everything - except parental involvement. I was very blessed, despite the shortcomings of my childhood. It truly was idyllic compared to 99.9% of the experiences of the world's populace.

2008-04-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

"This is my Father's world."

We sing those words so glibly and happily, but they speak an uncomfortable truth. The world isn't ours, and we don't make the rules. We obey them, or we take the consequences for our choices.

"I am a sojourner in the earth," says the Psalmist. "Hide not your commandments from me." (Ps. 119:19)

We are strangers here. From birth, we are learning the customs of this alien land. People, both well-meaning and not, try to instruct us in the language and habits of living. But we are all learning together, shivering in a raw and unusual place.

The Bible is our operation manual for life. It explains what the laws are, and why. Sure, we can stumble onto them, and, in a way, we all know them. But this holy Book names them. It puts a face to the perplexity and calms the fear of the unknown. This is why the Psalmist loves the written law so much. The world and its rules have been here around us all along, but in the light of the Bible we can finally see them.

2008-04-07T14:25:00.000-07:00

Why Christian Moviemaking Is So Undeveloped

Hollywood has the monopoly on the equipment. When Christians actually have the talent and the hard work put in to create excellent stories, they experience a disconnect between them and the resources. Up until recently, moviemaking materials have been stinkin' expensive, even after you figure out what to buy. So you basically have to be successful or well-connected even before you begin, but you have to begin in order to become successful and well-connected. It's kinda tough.

2008-04-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

Life is starting to speed up to its normal breakneck pace. I think I am adapting.

Wednesday I filmed a short script for this online film festival. This evening I'll be making the rough cut. Saturday, hopefully, I'll track down audio details and finish the cut. It's due Monday. I don't necessarily expect to win anything, but it's been a fun project nonetheless, given divine support at each step of the way.

I enjoy TKD class very much, especially as I feel myself regaining some athletic capabilities. Every class is an opportunity to learn and to gain more precision. That's why martial arts are so awesome - they become a lifelong pursuit.

2008-03-27T07:54:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness is a process that begins with self-examination. Self-realization, with leads to self-condemnation and confession to God, which leads to forgiveness of self. Only then is it possible to look outward and begin to repair the damage.

It's a hard truth to catch a glimpse of the foul nature of my own soul. I want to look away. To deny it. To cover it over and pretend I didn't see. The last thing I want to do is dig deeper into the disgusting mess I've made of me. But dig I must.

In my Thursday morning Bible study on Nehemiah, we found a revival underway in chapter 8. Ezra the priest read the Jews the law, and they were so overcome that they prostrated themselves and wept. Then Nehemiah commanded them all to stop weeping. They arose, and they danced and celebrated.

Like them, somewhere down underneath the ooze in my soul, my unwilling shovel has hit a subterranean stream of deep, sweet, living water. It bubbles up in a beautiful fountain. And the water's force sprays up and out, forcing a course through my filth.

I am desperately wicked, and I am loved. And so are you. How can we do anything but dance?

In the same way, before I can forgive someone else, I must understand the wrong done to me. So next, I examine what is almost more painful - the damage done to my tender, ignorant heart. Falsehoods believed because they were told to me by someone I trusted. Ways in which I was used as a tool instead of as a human being.

And then I realize the crucial fact. We are all the same. We all hold the potential to be creatures of unimaginable light, but right now we are all dirty. Every one of us, Christian or non-Christian. And so I must love unconditionally, recognizing wrongs and then choosing to move past them in whatever manner is wisest for the situation at hand.

2008-03-24T07:06:00.000-07:00

Barack Obama promises change. America responds to his rhetoric; we understand the country is broken, and he hits on the sore points. We always have the same sore points, don't we? Whatever hurts us becomes the place at which we can be manipulated. Racism works, because those who suffer slurs for things they cannot change will feel great hurt. Broken public schools also work, because everyone responds on the gut level to threats to their children. Especially, in the latter case, if parents feel guilty for their own neglect of their kids.

The problem with America, really, is lack of faith - just like with individuals. The more godless this nation becomes, the more people want to fix things by themselves, with no reference to God. For many liberals, this means implementing government programs by whatever means they can justify. They believe the claim that we can actually create heaven on earth.

The problem is that every one of us humans is desperately sinful, and Christ is the center of all existence - yet none of us can change another person's heart. A system of law and government that is focused on glorifying God will therefore always be ordered to maintain the most individual freedom for its members. Only in a system with freedom of speech and free enterprise are people able to spread the Gospel at will. They are able to speak, and they have the resources to dedicate to this good work. At the same time, history has shown that any attempt to ordain a theocracy has only ended in the same power being co-opted by a new wave of humans with more evil motives. Whether for good or for ill, government has to keep its fingers out of its people's business, because eventually power-hungry humans will always turn it to ill.

Without Christ as the center, if people have been taught to believe that this world is all there is, and if they haven't been told the lessons of the twentieth century, they are open to any emotional appeal that promises them what they want. Problem is, no gift is free. Anything you don't work for that you get anyway is part of someone else's sacrifice.

2008-03-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

I want to write today about the glories of grace. These last few weeks, I've been marveling through the most amazing, clear, free sensation. At first I thought something was wrong because I didn't feel the pulling, tugging need to find something Important to do. Nothing was chasing me with feelings of guilt and telling me that I "must" do house chores or work on writing.

This is the truth. So far as salvation and God's love goes, I can do or not do absolutely anything! I am free! I need not fear making any mistakes, because my Lord will still love me.

And then, as the knowledge of my freedom fills mind and soul, my heart answers. It rises up in joy. So, in the absence of fear, my old abusive comrade, I am finding something startlingly new. Love. An honest, truthful desire from my heart to do those same things I thought I needed external compulsion to achieve.

I do good things because I can, not because I must. That is the power of grace.

2008-03-13T06:53:00.000-07:00

A large group of old friends gathered together this last weekend for the sheer joy of fellowship. They dressed as Narnian characters and played "pin the tail on Rabadash." I, however, drove in to DC and spent two afternoons with an eclectic, diverse, mostly liberal group of folks at the DC Independent Film Festival. The contrast piques my interest, especially because I never really was one of the cape-wearing people I spent all my time with as a Lit major. I love my long-time friends, and I hope always to know them, but I think my personality is shifting. I find in myself much more of a journalist mentality - like my mom, a curiosity to know as much as possible about the way things work. A journalist and an engineer, because then I want to step in and get busy with my hands and mind to make things happen.

In all effort there is profit, but the talk of the mouth tends only to penury.

2008-03-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

There are too many books to read, too much of the world to see, taste, touch, and learn. All of it reflects God in some way.

This last weekend up until next, I am taking spare time to go to DC for the independent film festival that is going on the 6th to 16th. It is definitely illuminating. I am learning so much right now that I hardly have mental space to let one batch of ideas through before the next crowds in. Like drinking from a fire hose. Try to get it all, and you blow up.

No complaints. I am learning and growing, and my roots are holding.

2008-03-04T14:19:00.000-08:00

Not much to say, really. I'm pretty busy walking around and picking up pieces of my exploded self. It's amazing how many bits of me were tossed in haphazardly before, just because. But even more amazing is how many are still good after the explosion, albeit a little battered and dusty from lying on the ground. I'm still kinda shaky on my feet, though.

2008-02-13T14:48:00.000-08:00

This article on boundless.org catches at my heart. I feel such a soreness for the young people of America. I guess I always have. These are the people I want to touch, and the more I know them, the stronger the desire grows. Somehow, in some way, I want to show them love, truth, beauty, and justice.

2008-02-12T12:36:00.000-08:00

Amazing how I never knew how widespread an ailment depression was until I met the dark beast in person. Looking back, I know it lived inside me. I wrote poems about the creature in the past, but I thought it was typical angst of a young person. I didn't know it was waiting to swallow me. I didn't know it was me and my own sin, and I guess I didn't believe the full reach of Christ's grace.

I've found out all sorts of fascinating things about this emotional disease. The amount of Americans with depression doubled between 1970 and 1990, and almost again since. All sorts of theories and studies abound as to its root causes. One major reason is unresolved emotional trauma from childhood, especially dysfunctional family situations for which people never forgave their parents. People do not develop their emotions fully, and they unconsciously interpret the same patterns of dysfunction as love. One of these situations becomes more than they can handle, and they crash and burn.

Another reason is honest lack of purpose. Most work nowadays is "knowledge work," done with the mind. It's much harder to connect such duties with actual, meaningful results than when one works with one's hands. Without a strong foundation in God, it is impossible to derive purpose. Also, nihilism is the natural child of postmodernism and technology. When an individual must define his own truth in the face of a swiftly changing culture, he simply cannot keep up. "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world." This is the result of neglecting tradition of all sorts - losing a sense of history, failing to teach literacy.

Once afflicted, people medicate. This is understandable. Not everyone is blessed with the support network I had. And I am saddened to note that I never heard anyone in Christian circles talking about depression before it hit me. But unfortunately, once on medication, often a person has to take it for life. Antidepressants actually reprogram the brain so that it becomes addicted to the condition they are meant to fix. When the drugs are removed, the brain reverts to an even more severe depressed state for a period of time before it can recover, if it can recover. That's why the warning labels on these drugs are so scary. Studies show equal or better results from cognitive behavioral therapy (i.e., talking through problems) and simple exercise.

It's not surprising that all this should be so. Fallen man is alienated from God, from others, and from his own self. A redeemed culture can alleviate this to some extent, but there remains no recourse for one that thrives on the refuse of the soul.

2008-02-11T10:26:00.000-08:00

"The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life." So reads my meditation verse for the day. The 'fear of the Lord' - that means the knowledge that I am clay in His hands. He can do absolutely anything He wants with me. So then, how does that turn into a 'fountain of life?'

It's because it is the truth. There is no foundation for life but the truth. It springs up into the living water, Jesus Christ, the proof of God's love. So my Lord God presses me into shape with His mighty fingers, incrementally and inexorably impressing His image on my soul. The closer I draw, the deeper I submit, the faster the process. And it will never end. I can always drink a fresher draught than I ever knew.

My Lord says that He delights to reward those who diligently seek Him. During college, I thought I was doing so well. Sophomore year I asked Jesus to be my Lord, not just my Savior. That next summer, I started stretching my fledgling wings of prayer. Junior year through first senior semester, I read through the Bible for the first time cover-to-cover. Then I spent eight months at home, and I learned God was sufficient for my solitude. I started praying for my Lord to teach me about love, and I returned to finish out my time as a college student. I entered upon a test in which "I" was erased, and I dove into the valley of the shadow of death.

In four years, I have already been transformed, but I know I am only beginning. How exciting!

In a tentative way, this last Sunday I went to seek the Lord. I fasted, and I drove alone to a favorite hiking spot. It was chilly, so nobody else was about. Nobody. At the top of the cliff, a high wind puffed clouds across the sky. Down below, dead trees swayed. Once, as I watched, the faraway stick of a trunk cracked in two, and its top sank in slow motion down among its brethren. Otherwise, the caw of a crow and the rushing wind were the only sounds.

I climbed down to a ledge on the cliff, and I let the wind rush overhead. I read Bible, and I listened to the stillness. Natural solitude has much to say. It disappears into one's soul and leaves a calm space that swallows up hurt.

2008-02-09T09:11:00.000-08:00

Like so many billions of others - in fact, every person who has ever lived - I find myself in the lonesome place of looking back at a piece of my path, struggling with the deep profundity of what passed there, and lacking the words or wisdom or skill to understand.
At times I am a small girl in pigtails, staring around me with bewildered eyes and clinging to a protective hand that belongs to someone powerful whom I cannot see. That girl refuses to die, for she is my heart.
At other times I am a maturing woman who quietly watches the masses of people who bustle around her on their own business. She is my mind.
The girl lives inside the woman; they are working now to become one. The silvery stuff that joins one to the other is my soul. God is embroidering the pieces of me together into a single fabric. The work is ongoing. It will continue my entire life, until one day at last He ties together the last stitches, and I find myself complete in Heaven.

2008-02-03T19:49:00.000-08:00

Just this last week I've been finding pleasure in listening to music again. In fact, I am taking more pleasure in it than I ever have before in my life. I'm listening through all the pieces I have stored in iTunes on my laptop. I began collecting these in 2006, the months I was at home before my last year of college.

Has it been only two years? They mark great periods of change for me. Especially these last six months.

It's funny how music has the power to call up shadows. Every song connects to a memory and ushers past a parade of emotions. I am steadily making peace with these ghosts, so they no longer pain me. We wave hello in passing.

Someone I read recently said that perhaps the things that hurt us in our adult years are sent to heal earlier traumas. We think we're doing so well, and then something touches an ancient abscess. It has to be purged, and then at last the wound can close for good. I believe that is true.

2008-01-31T14:14:00.000-08:00

Life is a diverse and colorful thing, marked by flavors, experiences, and questions. It is not safe and contained; indeed, anything can happen. I find it highly inexplicable, apart from my Bible.

What a surprise, that the Bible is true! So many separate passages are flaring into brilliant life at this time. They bind themselves into the structure of my dependence on my Lord.

Where lies the joy of brokenness? It is here, in the growth of permanence in my soul. When permanence results, brokenness becomes addictive.

2008-01-18T06:17:00.000-08:00

A Wintry Morning

Surprise!
Yesterday's cinnamon-stick forest,
To which the eye so accustomed slips past,
Has become a silvery landscape,
Tangled down by sky-sugar.
Strange, ethereal sight.
Rising sun reflects itself
From tips of broken trunks,
Which need no words to proclaim their strength:
"Still stand we,
Waiting for our Spring."
We slide along,
Splitting the scene apologetically
With whoosh of tires.

2008-01-09T08:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a witching day - 60 degrees, which is unusual for January in VA, to say the least. I arrived home after working out, and as I stepped out of my car in my short sleeves and capris, it was so windy and magical...

I whipped into my house. "Come swing on the swingsets!" I urged my housemates, but they were too tired. So I ran over alone to the little park area by the townhouses and swung in the wind, in the dark. Stars overhead blinked down, and the trees whispered.

"Lord," I prayed, "let me never grow too old to swing on a swingset."

2008-01-04T06:34:00.000-08:00

Runners know that there is a tremendous difference in the mentality behind a sprint and a marathon. The sprinter uses up all his resources almost immediately, in order to go as quickly as possible. He knows he can recover afterwards. The marathon runner, however, maintains a slow and steady progression. He can't afford to chuck all his energy to the wind in the first mile.

I'm not built physically to be able to run marathons with ease, any more than I am naturally gifted with patience. I have unfortunately been able much of my life to procrastinate and then get through things with a sudden burst of brilliance.

Perhaps dogged persistance is less glamorous and fun, but it is part of adult existence. Life is an endurance race overall, not a sprint. This only makes sense for good stewardship, since the marathon runner achieves a much greater distance in the end.

The sprinter can see the finish line from the start. He keeps his eyes there and dashes for it like mad, ignoring everything that happens around him. The marathon runner sets small goals for part of the race, looks for people on the sidelines to cheer him on, and constantly drags his mind away from the pain in his body to the glory of the finish, even though he can't see it.

The sprinter doesn't take refreshment until the end. The marathon runner must constantly refuel along the way.

You have to keep going in a marathon, no matter how slowly. If you stop, it is ten times as hard to start again.

2008-01-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

Oh, the joy of a new year! As my TKD instructor said, I can "leave all the bad in 2007 and take the good with me." Or something like that. He put it better, of course.

I spent the afternoon of New Year's with Gabi. I gave her a Pashmini scarf for her belated Christmas present, and she gave me a teapot + infuser + tea. Good stuff. We walked around my beautiful neighborhood for an hour, in the sunny, glorious - albeit chilly and windy - fresh air. In the park area near the townhouses, we swung on the swingset. Her scarf flew off. I lunged and caught it mid-swing, and we both laughed like a couple of little kids. Then we walked over to the movie theater and watched Juno. After the movie, I made us pancakes with bits of strawberry in the batter. When she had gone, I retired to my room, where I began a new journal with my start-of-the-year prayer and my resolutions. I read a lot of Bible and became lost in it, forgetting the time in a way I wish would happen more often. For dinner, I ate leftover marinaded steak, a small baked sweet potato with Splenda and cinnamon, and a fresh salad made with all my favorite ingredients - Romaine lettuce, carrot, sugar snap peas, mushrooms, half an avocado, walnuts, raisins, a sprinkling of Feta cheese, and a vinaigrette dressing I mixed myself. Dessert was a slice of a dark chocolate orange.

Everything has a fresh flavor to it. It was a good day.

2007-12-31T13:27:00.000-08:00

Well, world, I feel like I'm starting to wake up from a really nasty dream. Turns out that I have been walking through several months of stress-induced depression, spiked at the start with a bout of clinical depression. I had actual stress and emotional reasons for both, but what turned them into the nightmare crazy-trip I've been experiencing is most likely a magnesium deficiency. Only two days ago, the last day of my time at home, I did a Google search for "recovery from depression" and "headache," in order to find out if the nonstop headaches I've had for the last five months had anything to do with the situation. My first hit was a 135-page website detailing this largely-ignored deficiency. Probably 80% of Americans are deficient in magnesium, which leads to a world of chronic ailments, from heart disease to insomnia to anxiety and depression. Stress sucks magnesium out, and then calcium consumed in excess prevents the appropriate absorption of more magnesium, especially in our American diets, which are already deficient in the mineral. I've been consuming plain yogurt, one of my favorite foods, at the rate of almost a 4-cup container per day. That + heaviest and longest stress of life = perfect magnesium disposal unit.

No sooner did I read this website then I went out, bought some Epsom salts, and soaked my feet for 45 minutes. This is a good way to absorb magnesium. Almost immediately, my mild frontal lobe headache blossomed into a tremendous, splitting headache, like blood running into a foot that had fallen asleep. In a few hours I already felt more... myself. If I can remember myself. Later that day, I was able to put up a respectable fight against my older brother in Risk 2010. I could hardly think through the initial game moves earlier in the week.

Increased frontal lobe activity is supposed to be a sign of people coming out of depression.

Early symptoms of magnesium deficiency: irritability, anxiety (including Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), anorexia, fatigue, insomnia, muscle twitching, confusion, poor memory, poor attention and reduced ability to learn, dry eyes & mouth...

I had all those symptoms for months, especially when my depression first hit (well, not anorexia, but that's only 'cause I've built habits of healthy eating for years; I didn't want to eat at all). I thought I was going crazy! Imagine everything, including all you knew was right, feeling wrong. Constant sadness and a feeling of loss. Indecisiveness where one is used to a haughty, almost careless selection of the Right Thing. Emotional situations that would have been uncomfortable and terribly sad the previous year suddenly turning into a black hole of death.

I have not made my New Year's resolutions yet, but I've been thinking and praying for the last two weeks about what they should be. The steadily growing answer for 2008 seems to be: rest and recovery.

I start every year's new journal with a prayer. A few weeks ago I read through the journals for 2006 and 2007. I found that my prayer for 2007 was that God would show me my limitations. It appears that He answers prayer.

I am not bitter about the last months. Rather, I am grateful. How do I explain? I met God every day in so many ways. I can say, "to live is Christ and to die is gain," and I know what it means. I told a friend at the start of it all that I had joined the human race. Again, how can I explain? All my life I've felt apart and separate - different, because of my different upbringing as a homeschooler. Even in my own family, I am the only person who has chosen to pursue humanities instead of math and science. Somehow, now I understand. All that up 'til now was the best preparation for life that my parents could give me. Now I'm an arrow launched, and I'm living this thing with all the rest, the same as in every generation through all of history. I'm just the same as everyone around me, in a different package.

For years I told my mom I thought I would die young because I didn't like the world. That was exactly how I felt, but it was selfish. Now I'm gathering an idea of my life's purpose. In the words of a boundless.org article I have taped to my office wall, quoting Frederick Buechner, it is at "the intersection of [my] own deep gladness and the world's deep hunger."

I've known for years that I am a prophet-type, an intuiter and communicator of possible futures. Over the last several months, this has slowly refined and distilled.

My life purpose is to communicate truth, justice, beauty, and love to a desperately dark and dying country.

I say "country," not "world," because I sense no call to go elsewhere when America is in such desperate straits. In August, just before the students came back, I reread the "callings" of all the OT prophets. The first chapter of Jeremiah used to be my life verses, but now I "found" the start of Ezekiel:

"And when I looked, behold, an hand was sent unto me; and, lo, a roll of a book was therein; and he spread it before me; and it was written within and without: and there was written therein lamentations, and mourning, and woe. Moreover he said unto me, Son of man, eat that thou findest; eat this roll, and go speak unto the house of Israel. So I opened my mouth, and he caused me to eat that roll. And he said unto me, Son of man, cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee. Then did I eat it; and it was in my mouth as honey for sweetness. And he said unto me, Son of man, go, get thee unto the house of Israel, and speak with my words unto them. For thou art not sent to a people of a strange speech and of an hard language, but to the house of Israel; not to many people of a strange speech and of an hard language, whose words thou canst not understand. Surely, had I sent thee to them, they would have hearkened unto thee. But the house of Israel will not hearken unto thee; for they will not hearken unto me: for all the house of Israel are impudent and hardhearted..."
Ezekiel 2:9-3:7

I could go on. I've learned so much, and at last I can think to communicate it! What joy! But I should stop before this reaches pages and pages in length. God bless to anyone who has read through it all.

2007-12-18T08:31:00.000-08:00

A few things are becoming more clear.

First, I believe I am called to marriage, as indeed almost all adults are. This does not, however, mean that I will get married. I do not control that. It means that I will not be too afraid to walk (carefully) with any respectable man through the process of finding out if we should someday marry. I am not big enough to destroy my life through a "wrong" decision. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ.

Second, I believe I am called to fellowship appropriately as a sister with all my brothers in Christ. This means that I will not fear the emotional results of an appropriate amount of friendship with single men (see above). We are not made not to hurt. We are made to grow like Christ. Naturally, the process of discerning the proper level of friendship is frought with peril. All good things are. I need not force it; friendship comes (or not) with time.

Third, my main focus must always be my relationship with and responsibilities to God above. I must answer to Jesus in eternity, and to nobody else.

2007-12-17T08:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it can be quite nice to be sick. Let the ol' brain stop for a while. Stop and sleep. That's what happened this last week. I felt it coming on Wednesday, when I started shivering an hour before the final in Cold War Novel. I hadn't studied for my class either, so it was sheer grace that carried me through. Thursday, I called in sick. Friday I worked. Then on the weekend, I vegged.

I came in to PHC on Saturday to do some work on my little film project. It's progressing well. I hope to have it workable before I leave for home this next weekend.

2007-12-14T06:35:00.000-08:00

It's not the destination; it really is the journey. Or rather, it's both, but the only part over which we have control of any sort is the here and now. The instant in front of me. This is very humbling. My tendency my entire life has been to create huge, immensely difficult goals and dreams - and then to berate myself when I fall short halfway. Goals are great, but mine have changed so often that it's not funny. I extrapolate on a passing interest and expand it into a life purpose.

The thing is, though, each closed road is a satisfying necessity. If I didn't try a path, I wouldn't know where it leads. I never want to look back in life and wonder, "What if?" I want to say, "I tried, and now I know where my limitations lie."

I have a habit of bashing up against those limitations at a breakneck pace and injuring myself dreadfully. As I grow a little older, God has been slowing me down. More than that, He's shown me that some boundaries are worth a second try - eventually.

2007-12-13T13:46:00.000-08:00

Today I've been sick, so I stayed home from work. Mostly, I slept, but in between I read through my journals from 2006 and 2007 and then organized and recorded my spending for October and November. Both were bittersweet activities.

I have changed a great deal in a brief time. In some fundamental way, I died. So much in life altered all at once; my brain couldn't keep up. All its old patterns, disrupted. And this is good. What an opportunity to build good, godly habits in a vacuum!

When a situation won't change, the only solution is to ask God to mold me to match. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you."

Only during the last week and a half have I begun to listen to music again. Makes sense. Music is like distilled emotion. It would have to be the last thing regained.

I am definitely not my old self. I feel like a stranger to me. I think I will have to spend the next few years getting reacquainted.

2007-11-29T12:54:00.000-08:00

I took the Myers-Briggs personality test again and was intrigued to note that my personality has shifted. I am now an ENTJ instead of an ENFJ. View my test results. The last time I took one of these tests, my Feeling was significantly dominant. Now I am 58% Thinking. That's like a complete face-turn. Not sure what to make of that. I think it's good to have my head in charge, but I still feel as though it's temporary. I think Feeling has been introverted out of necessity, but it's biding its time.

On the Multiple Intelligences test, I score highest on Interpersonal, followed by a tie between Logical/Mathematical and Verbal/Linguistic. No surprises there.

2007-11-28T05:54:00.000-08:00

Calmer and cleaner. That's how I feel after Thanksgiving break. I feel like maybe I can do this whole "adult" thing. There is no explanation for the change, other than God's fingers working in my soul. In Christ I live, move, and have my being. I think I'm gonna come back stronger than I ever was before. That's what it means to be a child of God - not that we don't suffer, but that the suffering turns to strength. The phoenix rises from the ashes.

Phoenixes fascinate me. One of the best characters in Erthe, the world I started writing three years ago, is a phoenix. His name is Pharr. There are only two phoenixes in all of Erthe. The other is called Wyde, a female. The two are not "romantically" involved in any way, yet they each fulfill a specific purpose in their world by being male or female. They share an excellent friendship, but with perfect control they have never allowed it to tip over into romance because it is not part of the greater purpose for them. They are not human after all; their emotions work differently.

As phoenixes, you see, and servants of the one true King, Pharr and Wyde were created with the unique ability to "see" all of their past and future at once. This is because the souls of phoenixes never truly leave the current world, nor do their bodies truly die. When their bodies wear out for some reason, they are engulfed in a special flame, which burns away the impurities of the old manifestation (very painfully!) so that they are new and fresh again. This is the blessing and the curse of phoenixes; the King created them so that Erthe can see a reflection of the greater story that happened in Earth, the universe next door. So phoenixes live day by day, while at the same time they already know everything that will happen to them and around them. In a sense, they exist both in and out of time.

Susan: "If I knew all my future, I couldn't live for sheer boredom!"
Pharr: "Ah, so you think. But wouldn't you revisit some sweet joys if you could? The present is color, the rest only black and white."
Susan: "What about the pain of repeated death?"
Pharr: "Just one color out of many."

2007-11-24T14:03:00.000-08:00

I've been percolating plenty of thoughts, most of which didn't have time to settle out until this week. Thanksgiving week, in which I am blessed to be visiting my family. I don't think I ever appreciated my family enough before now. Previous blog posts from home are full of complaints. This time, I have none. My family has not changed, but I have. "Boredom" to me now is "quiet" and "rest." Life doesn't move quickly at home, but another word for that is "stability."

I went walking the familiar sidewalks of my neighborhood for an hour today, scuffing through heaps of brown leaves as I strode along. I love my old neighborhood now because it is a family place. People settle here, and they don't move often. In contrast, the area of Virginia where I live now is exciting, volatile, young. There is much movement and a spirit of passion. A part of me thrills to that, while at the same time another part is rooted here, in the solid Midwest. I value my roots.

Time moves very slowly right now because so much is crammed into it. So many "firsts"; everything is new. I cook new recipes, go to a new TKD dojang, and film short scripts for the first time. I am learning Final Cut Pro, working my first job in the corporate world, and paying all my own bills. God is teaching me new spiritual disciplines and cementing Bible verses in my head.

And yes, new friendships, and new and very painful difficulties with previous friendships. But my Lord is so good to me. I raise my voice in His honor, and I know all will be well.

2007-11-09T06:06:00.000-08:00

This morning I was reading the story of Paul's conversion in Acts chapter 9. I find that I identify with elements of the story that I have always merely skimmed over before.

"And as he journeyed, he came near Damascus: and suddenly there shined round about him a light from heaven: and he fell to the earth, and heard a voice saying unto him, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? And he said, Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks."

Paul was a devout Jew. He thought of God a lot, but apparently did not know who He really was. When he speaks to God, Paul knows He is "Lord," but he doesn't know who "Lord" is. So he asks, "Who art thou?" Then when Jesus replies, He says that Paul has been fighting Him. It's as though Paul knew the truth all along and had become even more virulent against the Christians in unconscious rebellion.

"And Saul arose from the earth; and when his eyes were opened, he saw no man: but they led him by the hand, and brought him into Damascus. And he was three days without sight, and neither did eat nor drink."

So I wonder, why did God choose to take away Saul's sight for those three days? I know I felt when my depression hit this summer like I had nothing left. I was internally blind. So now I know that everything I have, all I am, is God's. I think that God wanted to show Paul something similar and even more intense. God wanted to claim total control of Paul's sight and understanding.
Also, I see Paul's response here. It doesn't say whether he was unable to eat and drink or if he chose not to do so. If this experience was anything like mine, the distinction is practically irrelevant. I almost could not eat; I ate because I knew I should, and even then, my stomach almost rebelled constantly. This made me very weak and brought me even closer to God in dependence.
Scientifically, the human body needs water much more quickly than it does food. Paul must have been well-nigh dead in body by the time Ananias arrived.

"And the Lord said unto [Ananias], Arise, and go into the street which is called Straight, and inquire in the house of Judas for one called Saul, of Tarsus: for, behold, he prayeth, and hath seen in a vision a man named Ananias coming in, and putting his hand on him, that he might receive his sight."

Those days must have stretched out at tremendous length for Paul. His entire life as he knew it needed to be stripped away. He did not have the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, yet - the Spirit comes to Paul when Ananias lays on his hands. Without the Spirit living with him, the only way for Paul to know God would be by literally constant prayer. No wonder he didn't eat or drink. He needed the three-day fast, the total dependence, to keep him in God's presence.
And then, Paul "saw" a vision without human sight. God inserted miraculous, supernatural sight into the dark void of human blindness. As always, He showed Paul, His strength reveals itself in our weakness. Therefore, someone as strong in mind as Paul had to be brought very low before his ministry could begin.

2007-11-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a lot about spiritual disciplines lately. The topic seems to pop up no matter what book I am reading. I am also going through a book that specifically handles the topic: Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life, by Donald S. Whitney. It gives an excellent explanation of many areas I have not thought about very much, or that I have just handled loosely in my arrogance. I never really fasted, for example, or knew that fasting was a blessing of God to draw us nearer to him in times of great need and sorrow or of praise.

Probably the best discipline I've met is that of meditation on Scripture. Up 'til now I've been the sort who would read and try to understand, but then I'd let it slip away. Without long-term meditation or memorization, it is hard to retain one section of Bible long enough to relate it to another as the whole it truly is. Meditation provides great benefits.

For example, I memorized Psalms 1 a long time ago, and it has always been a great comfort for me: "Blessed is the man who walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the Lord, and on His law doth he meditate day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by rivers of water, that bringeth forth fruit in his season. His leaf also shall not wither, and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper."

And then, Isaiah 55 has become another section for frequent reference: "Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price."

Recently, John 15: "I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman. Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit."

Jesus is the river of water by which I, the tree, must be planted. If He is not, I will not bear fruit. Jesus is also the Word, the law.

2007-10-31T06:42:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad I'm going to be joining Grace Community Church. I love the people, the worship, the teaching, and the opportunities. I'll be turning in an application for children's ministry this Sunday.

As life slowly unwinds before me, I am learning how to define my life purpose. It breaks down at this time into five general areas, which I have written out as follows:

(1) Worship and adore God as a relational Person.
(2) Grow to be more like Christ.
(3) Fellowship with and minister to other believers.
(4) Love all people by telling them about Christ.
(5) Constantly develop talents in order to fulfill the four previous purposes better.

The areas interrelate, as most things do, but they are also distinct. If, by God's grace, I can balance my life between these five goals, I think it will be well-spent.

The other blessing I am noting is that of solitude. One of the best books about singlehood I have read recently described "turning loneliness into solitude." I anticipate that I will not have this much time to spend with God in the years to come, and so I am grateful to build a strong foundation now. I especially enjoy my 25-minute commutes.

2007-10-08T13:57:00.000-07:00

A life is made up of years, which are made up of months, which are made up of weeks, which are made up of days. Day by day, that is how we live. That's how we reach goals. With persistance, with patience, with endurance.

Some days are good, some bad. God is good always.

Sometimes I feel like I have absolute clarity for decisions, and I am so grateful. But other days I stumble through in darkness. I wish I could see. I wish I knew. But then I realize, if I knew I would probably mess everything up. God's ways are higher than mine. He has a plan for me, to help me, not to harm me.

"Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up" (James 4:9-10).

That is a promise. I believe it.

2007-09-26T06:52:00.000-07:00

Youth is the one time when you have the opportunity to stay abreast of popular culture. After that, life speeds up and deepens. People matter more.

I don't think I was ever really young.

2007-09-24T08:55:00.001-07:00

Know what, world at large? Human love and relationships are not about personal fulfilment or any human need. They are about "every perfect gift coming from our Father above, in whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." Our baseline is nakedness. Destitution. Ignorance. Blindness, deafness, dumbness, lack of sensation, paralysis.

I am so blessed. We are all blessed, every one of us. I think I only fail to see it when I judge my lot by using another person as the standard.

Kristen Diaz and I drove to Harper's Ferry on Sunday afternoon. We ate lunch on a rock in the middle of the river, and then we explored and found the trail up to Maryland Heights. I love Kristen for her wisdom both in word and in silence. She is legally blind, and yet she walks without fear. I love her for that, too.

One cannot be truly fearless without understanding darkness. Otherwise, the proper word is 'foolhardy.'

2007-09-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

I am a creature of Autumn. I love the majesty of aging leaves, clothing themselves in their last dignity before they die. I love the pale blue sky and the icy clouds, and the chill breeze that skitters across my arms. The air carries a subtle scent of woodsmoke. It tastes of the coming of winter and the passing of time.

In my office, a mulled cider candle simmers on a warming plate. I play tangling, dancing Celtic music through my computer speakers.

This coming Friday and Saturday I attend an Act One screenwriting seminar at McLean Bible Church. I am meanwhile trying to organize a day of filming for myself on October 27 here at PHC, during which I intend to film a 5-8 minute skit. A simple experiment, nothing more, to see if I can carry a short project through the entire moviemaking process.

This past Saturday I organized a birthday party for myself and Gabi. It was my first time initiating and putting together hospitality all by myself in an actual house. About a dozen people came. We talked, caught up, walked, did a read-aloud, and watched Stardust. For some of us, the party lasted seven hours. It was a blessed time, and the food came out wonderfully too. I made a spinach dip out of plain yogurt, cottage cheese, fresh chopped onion, spinach, curry powder, salt, and pepper. The salad was the best part, and I shall have to repeat it in the future - organic Romaine and red lettuce tossed with avocado and tomato, and sprinkled on top with walnuts and Feta cheese. We mixed together our own vinaigrette to go along with it.

I think I like cooking and hostessing. There was that little uncertain feeling, but God is good, and I am so blessed beyond belief to have the friends I do.

2007-09-13T07:41:00.000-07:00

"My son (daughter), despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth . . . Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby. Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; and make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed."

'S funny. Today is my 24th birthday, and it doesn't even seem to matter. But it causes me to look back at where I was last year - smack dab in the middle of Cyrano de Bergerac production. I was clinging to that so hard for my identity. So much has happened since. Crazy, crazy.

I am being squeezed and molded into a new shape right now. I wonder what I'll be thinking next year when I look back?

2007-09-12T06:23:00.000-07:00

Discipline is difficult, but well worth it in the end. Again, I recall back to when I first started exercising thoroughly when I was eighteen. Oh, it was agony, especially learning good eating habits. I was so addicted to sugar. I would be compelled to buy a candy bar when I went to the convenience store, and then I would feel guilty afterwards. But after a while, I realized that I wasn't depriving myself at all. Before, I had set my sights far too low. Now my tastes have changed forever. I don't even like milk chocolate. When I want chocolate, it needs to be dark - the best dark chocolate I can find, and ideally without anything else added.

Right now I am taking this tremendous opportunity of singlehood in order to pursue Jesus in a way I haven't ever before. It feels like I'm still collecting information together, but I am also testing the waters with Scripture memorization, fasting, stronger prayers, and pushing for emotional self-control. This latter is especially tortuous. It doesn't involve cutting off all emotions, but rather, redirection. I fail miserably, but still, I am encouraged to notice improvement.

Being a single person with my life mostly in front of me still has caused me to re-evaluate a great many things that I didn't know I was taking for granted during college life. Existential questions have caused me most of my grief these last two months. What is the purpose of life, the reason for living? The only answer is grace, grace, and more grace.

We are to "love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, body, and strength - and our neighbor as ourselves." Or to put it another way, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness." We are to love God more and more each day and seek to become more like Him each day as individuals. And then we are to look outward to the needs of others, helping other Christians grow more like Him and pointing non-Christians to Him. Our whole reason for continued existence in this world instead of in Heaven right now with God is the people around us. And the more God shapes us to be like Him, the better use we can be to others.

Only thing is, reshaping hurts! But I "rejoice in tribulations also, for I know that tribulations work patience, and patience experience, and experience hope. And hope makes not ashamed, because the love of Christ is shed abroad in our hearts through the Holy Ghost." And my new favorite verses: "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

At each new bit of my life, I ask the Holy Spirit what characteristic I should pray for. For several years at PHC, the answer was wisdom. I prayed for wisdom every day. Then, during my eight months at home last year (was it only last year??), I realized that I needed something much deeper and richer than wisdom. I came into my last year of college praying to learn about love. "Love is patient; love is gentle. Love seeks not its own..." Then a few weeks ago I asked for the prayer for my new season. The answer that came back was "endurance."

Endurance. Not glamorous. Not fun. But oh, so beneficial!

2007-09-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month since I posted last, almost two months since I began working at PHC. This is life in transition; it feels to me like the longest summer of my life. I am very tired, and so many things are topsy-turvy and new that I don't even know how to interpret everything that is happening inside of me. When it all hit me, my reaction to everything was, "Bad, bad, pain!" I literally felt like I had died in some way. Thank God that I can know Him, and so I know that life comes after death for a Christian. I am stumbling blindly through, and things are getting better. In counter to a previous post, I am not strong. I am very weak. But the good news is that the stronger bits are starting to reassemble.

I am now able to volunteer at the Purcellville Teen Center regularly every Friday night, and I'm starting to get to know the kids a little bit as people. This involves a lot more listening than talking. Tonight I'm gonna give one of the girls a beautiful little Bible I found in the PHC Bookstore. I hope she will read it. She needs some light right about now.

This weekend I am going with my friend Thea to her family's lake house in WV. I went there two weekends ago as well. It is so beautiful; I think I am in love with natural bodies of water. When I am in or near water and out in the sun, I can stop and just be.

Last Sunday I attended Grace Community Church in the morning, Loudon Baptist Temple in the evening, and then evening worship at school after that. I was so thirsty; I drank it all in. Jesus is the answer to all questions. He heals. He does this just by being Himself, an active person who is at work. I don't have to do anything to "make" this happen. I just have to ask.

2007-08-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to make peace with the part of me that has fizzled. My imagination longs to leap and bound the way it used to, creating and imagining in a glorious, beautiful way. But right now there is a sad little voice inside me that keeps stopping the happy child with these words:

"But it's not real."

Yes, I know it's not real. That's the point. It's beautiful and colorful and vivid. It's magical.

"But it will never be real. What good is it?"

God made me to write stories. I know He did. That's the good of it. Maybe not right at this very moment. Maybe I need to get back into stories first.

--

Last night I was driving to find the Advent Film Group folks at the Tiggises, where they were shooting for their next-to-last day of filming. Last week I had tried to find them there, but the roads in that area are exceptionally confusing. The other day, I finally gave up after driving in circles. Thursday, I didn't want to do that.

So I bumped along the gravel road to what looked like its end. Apparently, according to the signs at the corner, it "T'ed" into a different street. This is where I had turned around in confusion twice on Saturday. This evening, since I had checked the directions on an online map, I knew that the road was supposed to continue at this point. I could only assume that the sign at the corner was misleading. So I turned right.

After a little while, I realized that I was indeed on a different road. I pulled off onto a nice gravel spot at the side and called some of the AFG people whose numbers were in my cell phone. Nobody answered. And then, only after I had exhausted all my own understanding and resources, I prayed: "God, help me find my destination."

I turned around and started back up the road. I came to the same corner again. But this time, I noticed something. From this new direction, I could see that the sign for the original road actually stood at a slant. It pointed down the road I had not yet tried. With an incredible feeling of elation, I bumped onto more gravel. Before long, I had found the house and the AFG people.

God spoke to me last night. What He told me was this: Sometimes the only way to travel in the "right" direction is to look at it from the perspective of the wrong one. In which case, it wasn't the wrong direction at all. It was a necessary part of the journey. If I had turned around again at the ambiguous corner or frozen in fear, I would never have known.

So long as I am trying to follow the map, I am free to make any decision I please. God won't let me go in the wrong direction for long, and He will always teach me something along the way.

2007-08-09T12:01:00.000-07:00

I guess the biggest thing that has surprised me about life is the uncertainty of it. The temporal uncertainty, that is. If I wasn't a Christian, I would probably explode. As it is, I do know some hard and fast truths:

- God exists.
- God is omnipotent, omniscient, all-good, and all-loving.
- God created me, and He knew the specific purpose He had for me even as He knit me in my mother's womb.

It's beginning to dawn on me that God isn't going to thunder from Heaven and tell me my specific purpose for my entire life. Nor does the fact that I can easily envision a potential for my life in about twenty different directions mean that I am God-ordained to follow any one of them.

It is so hard for me to walk forward in darkness without being paralyzed. During formal education, it is easy, although I felt hints of the darkness last summer when I didn't know (briefly) whether I was heading back to PHC or not. It scared me then, but I am so grateful for the pre-shock now.

This is what it means to walk by faith, not by sight. Letting go and waiting to know.

2007-08-03T08:46:00.000-07:00

Academic life at PHC is both easy and hard. It is hard because it demands your all. It is a refining fire. It is easy because it dictates your life for you. It is joyful because you learn about God and about yourself; you know you are working in order to be able to serve God.

Life outside academia is also all these things, only in different combinations. It is hard because the purpose is not clearly defined by surrounding structure. Personal choice plays a part in a way it hasn't for the last five years. What are the new principles to follow? How best to glorify God in this next season?
It is easy because suddenly there is time. Time to read, and think, and pray.

This time is the most terrible, wonderful thing. I keep waiting for a voice from Heaven to tell me how to spend it, to explain what God wants from me. To give me Stuff to Do.

Purpose. We all search for purpose, some sign of our reason for living. What have I been pursuing my entire life? Big dreams with good hearts to them. Writing stories to make others happy the same way that stories made me happy.

Somewhere along the way I lost heart. Love, passion, zest. Perhaps I misplaced it, or maybe I will never be on fire in quite the same way again. But I know that if God takes one thing away, He gives something better. My heart is still here. It just has to reawaken.

I cannot communicate truth and peace to others without first having them rooted deep inside myself.

2007-07-30T16:59:00.000-07:00

I have stories to write. Nobody is going to write them for me. Best get started.

2007-07-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

This whole "real life" thing is, frankly, frightening. I don't know where I was living before, but it wasn't in the real world. The truth is that there is no security rooted in this world. Absolutely none. We are sinners. We deserve nothing. All we own - friends, family, possessions - are God's. If He chooses, He can take away any of His gifts at any time.

But He pours out His mercy and grace on us. And when He takes something away, it is only so that He can work the loss for our ultimate good.

Our security, our life, our joy - resides in Heaven.

One of the kids I was talking with at the P'ville Teen Center last night said something truly profound. We were talking about Heaven, and he said it sounded boring to be happy all the time.

"Sometimes it feels so nice to have a good cry," he said.
"Yes, but didn't you have to feel miserable first?"
"I guess, but still..."

Would we appreciate a beautiful spring day without the winter that came before? Maybe we wouldn't truly glory in God and Heaven for eternity if we didn't have this world of sorrow first, any more than Adam and Eve understood the good thing they had going in the Garden of Eden.

2007-07-24T06:43:00.001-07:00

Resistance training

I was reading this article on Boundless.org yesterday, and it helped put a lot of things into perspective. First, I am where I am supposed to be, and I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. No way to go but up.

Last semester a few of us went hiking to Raven's Rock. We reached the top, and then we hiked down to the bottom of the 40' cliff. At the bottom, I looked up. I could see handholds. I'd always wanted to climb that cliff, but I'd always been too scared. "God," I asked, "it's stupid, but I want to climb that cliff. Should I?" And I heard back, "Why not? Go ahead." So I climbed.

My friends shouted for me to come back down as I ascended. But I called down in annoyance, "Don't you see, I can't come back! I'll fall if I do, 'cause it's harder to climb down. I have to go up now."

One time I slipped down a few feet and had to stop to regroup. Another time I almost didn't find a handhold. After a quick prayer at each point, however, I discovered I could continue.

And what a rush at the top! Sweat-drenched, legs quivering... but to stand and look down at my friends and at the sunset... thrusting fists in the air, I screamed for sheer joy.

It's the same right now. No going back, because I'll fall. There's only up.

So yeah, back to the Boundless article. Its thesis is that any following of true vocation brings resistance with it. This only makes sense. The purpose of our lives is to glorify God by becoming more like Him. This happens through a refining fire, through suffering. So it stands to reason that the most fulfilling, deepest way to live would be to walk/run straight through the most difficult, stretching patches - not to avoid them.

Physical weightlifting is called resistance training. You push against the heaviest weights you can stand, which causes micro-tears in your muscles. When they heal, they heal stronger. The thing is, you achieve most of the benefits of weightlifting in the last few reps - at the point of failure. Everything up until those last few reps is only preparation.

When I was seventeen and a half, I decided I would begin an intense weightlifting program when I turned eighteen. I spent those months reading everything I could find about nutrition, cardio, and weights. I watched inspirational movies and read other people's stories. I visualized the sort of body I wanted to have. And I started learning the exercises. I wrote down the food I ate; I tried out the weights and began working myself in slowly.

All this was well and good, and I'm sure glad I did it. When I actually jumped into my program, I had all the tools at hand. Putting them all together in one place, however, took intense discipline. For several weeks, it was practically all I thought about - how and what to eat, when to exercise next, and how much I was aching. Worst of all, for the first four weeks or so I didn't see any huge changes in my physique.

After about a month, I realized something - I liked this! My muscles were growing used to their new tasks, and I was getting stronger. The interesting thing about the month watermark, though, is that it was time to switch up my exercises. Muscles get used to certain exercises, and so you have to shock them all over to help them get stronger again.

I learned other things. I strained various muscles, gave myself muscular imbalances, etc. But the point is, all this physical exertion translates into life as a whole. I had forgotten what it felt like. Or rather, I'd lost my vision. My goal. So all I could see was the pain.

God made me strong. I know there is a reason for it.

Edit: Additional thought. In exercising and maintaining the physical body, the saying goes, "You are what you eat." Without a proper nutrition base, you can absolutely sabotage your program.

The same goes for God's program of spiritual growth. We are what we eat. Therefore, in a time of spiritual stretching it is absolutely essential to feed on the Word. Anything else, and we will just break down further. Bible passages are the building blocks - the chicken breasts, egg whites, fruit, and veggies - of the soul.

2007-07-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

By God's grace, I am coming back to myself (see previous post). I greatly enjoy my new job at PHC. I've been researching and writing articles for web and newsletter publication. Yesterday and today I wrote one about PHC's new Philosophy of Education document concerning the Christian classical liberal arts. Fascinating stuff. I'm grasping anew just how special PHC is.

Also, I'm realizing once again that I would like to teach here one day. More than that, and I say this with fear and trembling, I would like to teach about film. This is a field that influences millions, and right now we Christians have given it over almost entirely.

I see the dark and the light more clearly than I ever have before. The darkness is a lot deeper than I had imagined, and the light just that much more triumphant in the end.

It is also becoming more clear to me just the sort of marriage I would like to have one day, if I am ever to be married. I want a partnership, in which both members are working toward the same goal. This would naturally turn into a team (children added), also for the same purpose. Marriages that model this for me include:

- My own family. Both parents run a magazine from home, deciding goals and directions together; kids work in the business and keep the home running.

- My pastor's family back in MO. My pastor preaches and governs; his wife runs Bible studies for the ladies of all ages and otherwise facilitates women's ministry. Their son leads music.

- The McCollums here at PHC. Both hold doctorates. Mr. Dr. Mc teaches Music App here at PHC and organizes Chorale. Mrs. Dr. Mc is the Academic Dean. Their two young kids come in to PHC with them often, and they are very purposeful about understanding the family mission.

- The Escobars, who are running the film project here at PHC this summer. Mr. Escobar is in charge of everything, but they both open up their home to everyone, and Mrs. E. is making and organizing food. Their three boys are deeply involved in the project.

I don't suppose there is anything wrong with the mentality of the husband going off all day and working for a big company while the wife runs things at home. Not at all. Many today consider this the typical Christian model. But if you consider, in older times the husband worked on the family farm, or both husband and wife would manage a local shop of some sort. The whole idea of a husband being elsewhere all day is largely an innovation of the Industrial Revolution.

So yes, I would like to share a directional mission with a future spouse in terms of life purpose in addition to goal of having a godly family. Or perhaps, as part of it. I would like to be part of a team.

Not that I wouldn't be willing to sacrifice my goals and mission - but I'm not so sure that God would want me to do that.

2007-07-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

Suppose there was a little, blind ant. It scurried and hurried as fast as it could without stop for five years, so that was all it knew how to do. The terrain was rocky and bumpy; there was plenty there to keep the ant's concentration.

But then, the land ran out. The ant's feelers fumbled helplessly in the open air in front of it. It stopped, frozen in absolute fear. No more "forward" left. Should it turn to the right or to the left? How to decide? Oh, the agony of indecision! This was absolutely beyond its comprehension.

So the ant started in one direction at last. It turned to the right and began to walk. Slowly it gained confidence. Everything was gonna be okay.

All at once, to its shock, the ant ran into something hard and unyielding. It had reached a dead end! Oh, the pain! This was much worse than before. Its way was blocked in front and to the right and left. The only path remaining was back, all that long distance.

The ant was tired. It refused to walk any farther, so there it sat and waited.

Nothing happened, except the ant started to get hungry. Very hungry. It had not eaten for a long time. The empty feeling gnawed at its stomach and sucked at its life. After a while, it became very weak. It could not possibly make it back to its starting point now. It lay down in utter, dark despair and prepared to die.

At this final moment, something changed in the ant's environment. A big finger reached down from above and rested beside the tiny creature. With its last strength, the ant crawled on.

It was blind, so it couldn't see what happened next, but in the ant's weakened state it felt more terrifying than anything that had happened yet. It was flying on the finger through a tremendously huge open space, much more vast than the ant's normal earthbound pathways.

Then it was over, and the ant cautiously crawled off the finger. Its feelers groped around, and it realized it was back at the edge again, in the spot where it had diverged to the right.

It could stop and die, or it could walk to the left. Its body was skinny and emaciated, almost gone. Slowly, it dragged itself leftward.

This time, the ant found something -- a tiny morsel of food. It was too tired to feel much joy at the encounter, but it managed to eat the food nonetheless. With energy to continue, it plodded on.

More food. The farther it traveled, the more food the ant found. And so it proceeded in its blindness, with fear and trembling, but increasing confidence.

2007-07-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

What a week it's been! An adventure, for sure. One week and a day ago I began meeting the Advent Film Group (AFG) folks who would be working on the "Moot Courting" movie project at PHC. We visited at the Escobars Friday night, and I was blown away yet again by the humility of Mr. Escobar and Mr. Manny Edwards. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were filled with deep conversations about God, culture, story, and movies in general. What a joy to hang out with this group of creative people!

I was living in the dorms from Friday until Thursday of this week. By God's grace, after a convoluted series of events, I found a place to live with Eve B., who is a PHC grad from three years ago. She is leasing a townhouse in Ashburn and subletting rooms to me and three other young women who attend Grace Community Church.

I am sitting in the local coffee shop, finally with a moment to reflect on my new area. I like it very much. It is young, fresh, forward-looking, and exciting. There is a new, huge movie theatre just across the street from my new townhouse. The entire shopping area offers free wireless. I'm going to enjoy it here, 25 minutes away from PHC. I am quite glad I'm not living in P'ville.

I began my new job Monday. My coworkers and I are gonna get along great. All of us up in Development have wacky senses of humor. I enjoy sharing an office with Art C., although I still have yet to put my mark on it. I think what I need first of all is a big glass jar of candy to share. That way people will visit me.

I have plenty of work to do, and it's gonna be so much fun! My job is to follow leads around school and see if they turn into stories. Sort of like a neverending scavenger hunt of people and information. Mr. H., my new boss, started me off easy with two stories. I finished them and asked for more work. He promptly gave me a list of eight possible topics, all of which involve much independent thought and tracking down of sources. Now that's more like!

In the evenings, I've been creating a new website for Advent Film Group. When it is active, it will be up at adventfilmgroup.com. It's not there yet, but by this afternoon it should be.

Friday evening I also went to the P'ville Teen Center for an hour and a half. I saw some of my friends from last semester, which makes me glad. I am still praying for Angel, Anna, Jeffrey, Dante, and Michael. Kids who I can tell are lonely or hurting. I feel for them now more than ever, because I understand more now.

Today is Saturday. In a few minutes I'll be leaving this coffee shop to drive to Sterling to see Harry Potter with Gabi, Em, Maggie, and Jenny N. Then I'll be in P'ville working on the website with the movie folks some more. At 7pm I go to Thea's house for homemade pizza.

God is pouring out His love on me everywhere I look.

2007-07-06T08:46:00.000-07:00

"I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure: and, behold, this also is vanity. I said of laughter, It is mad: and of mirth, What doeth it? . . . I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards. . . . Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labour that I had laboured to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun."

And Solomon goes on. All the world is vanity, all empty. Truth, that. The world's question: How do I fill this hole inside of me?

That is the question. And there is no answer. None at all, because we are phrasing the question wrongly. None of us can fill our own hole or be satisfied. When we were stabbed and given our wound, the spear was poisoned. Until we have the antidote to the poison, we will continue to bleed slowly or quickly until life seeps away.

The antidote is faith. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Simple trust. We know that, even if our ignorance lasts all the way until after death, at some point we will be able to look back and understand. Darkness does not last. God is working a perfect story, better than I can imagine.

Wise as serpents - the knowledge of good and evil. Most specifically, we are evil and God is unimaginably perfect and just. That knowledge alone leads to despair and death. But we are also to be innocent as doves - the knowledge of life. Simple, childlike faith.

And meanwhile, "He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life. And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God."

Faith is also a gift of God.

2007-06-30T09:35:00.000-07:00

Too much thinking and analyzing. Not enough doing.

2007-06-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have sinned. But let me tell you a story about God and what He has done in me.

Over the last two and a half weeks I have been tearing, absolutely tearing myself. I flopped every which way, analyzing and re-analyzing myself to elucidate my particular sins. I had done something pretty stupid, which in itself isn't that huge (I guess), but it was linked to a huge, imbedded rock of sin and fear. So I descended into numbing, spiraling depths of mental darkness, breaking over and over again. It got so I wished I was in Heaven right at that moment; I just wanted not to see my sin any more. I wanted the ripping to end.

--

"The Silence of God" by Andrew Peterson

It's enough to drive a man crazy; it'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder if he's ever been sane
When he's bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heaven's only answer is the silence of God

It'll shake a man's timbers when he loses his heart
When he has to remember what broke him apart
This yoke may be easy, but this burden is not
When the crying fields are frozen by the silence of God

And if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles have been nailed up to that cross
Then what about the times when even followers get lost?
'Cause we all get lost sometimes...

There's a statue of Jesus on a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden, as silent as a Stone
All His friends are sleeping and He's weeping all alone

And the man of all sorrows, he never forgot
What sorrow is carried by the hearts that he bought
So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God

--

I was feeling the recriminations of sin. And the reason I was breaking over and over again is that I hadn't yet really repented. The fact is, I had forgotten who I am and who God is.

I was content this summer up until Friday before last, when I heard about my job in VA. Then all went crazy. This is because I have been believing that I am supposed to be in VA in order to invest a talent in movie-making. Now, I couldn't know that was the truth until I actually heard about the job, so I was leaving all future plans in a "holding pattern." Not yes. Not no.

Once I knew, I should have instantly dived into rewriting my screenplay. I knew I was supposed to do this. But I procrastinated. I did everything, absolutely everything, except that - even trying to work on another writing project. It was all dead. Everything was dead. Nothing in the world felt alive or fun. But that was all a lie. The truth was, I was dead. I was blind to the fact that I was avoiding my task out of pure fear - fear that I couldn't do it. And so I was denying God because, if it was His task, it was going to happen no matter what.

I visited Ashlea Davenport in KY this past week, and I cannot communicate my admiration and appreciation for her as a friend. World, if you ever have the privilege to know Ashlea, you are blessed. Every time I have known her in my life, she has cared for me and helped me grow stronger in God. This week, her friendship kept my soul from dying and twisting in agony. We talked for hours, went to the play "Hello Dolly," ate out, ate in, watched movies, and just lived.

And I visited the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY. A brief window of peace and joy in the darkest week of my life.

Somehow, by God's grace alone, today I broke for the last time. I left the house to spend the afternoon writing in St. Louis Bread Company and Starbucks. "Lord God," I prayed, "if you want this screenplay written - you write it!"

Today I put together 18 pages between 1:00pm and 9:30pm, by far my new life record. I have been God's pen! I am simply blown away, and I am riding high.

Actually, it's almost funny. I was encouraged to know I was finally on the right track when I was heading out this afternoon, because all these little... coincidences... came cropping up. I had a headache, so I felt sleepy. I couldn't find my flip-flops anywhere at all, and I had to wear sneakers outdoors in the 90+ degree MO humidity. My car was parked into the driveway by the other kid car, and my brother was asleep and unable to move it. Then I tried to go to the Borders cafe first, but it was closed until July 2nd. Last, after I relocated to St. Louis Bread Company, I found I had left my laptop power cord home - something I never do. It all reminded me of precisely similar occurrences last spring while I was writing my senior History project. Demonic attack? I think yes.

The reason that this is not wholly funny is that I still have much more story to write. Considering the mountain I have been living underneath for weeks, I know that these last-ditch efforts yesterday are not by far all the tools at the enemy's disposal.

Lord, help me! Preserve me in this new courage and sight!

2007-06-24T11:03:00.001-07:00

I am completely unable to desire good on my own. Once I desire good, I have no power to repent. Once I repent, all I deserve is punishment nonetheless. I have no power to fix the bad results of my sin, and no strength to do better in the future. I am totally undeserving even to be aware of my condition. I hate it once I see it. I hate me! Oh, Lord, to be free from this body of death!

And in response, Isaiah 55:
"Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.
"Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.
"Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.
"Behold, I have given him for a witness to the people, a leader and commander to the people.
"Behold, thou shalt call a nation that thou knowest not, and nations that knew not thee shall run unto thee because of the Lord thy God, and for the Holy One of Israel; for he hath glorified thee.
"Seek ye the Lord while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
"Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him: and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
"For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
"So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.
"For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountaisn and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
"Instead of the thorn shall come up the fir tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree; and it shall be to the Lord for a name, for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off."

Oh Lord, I have never before felt with such intensity the grating between the life I live and the perfect life You have allowed me to glimpse. I am torn with such sorrow and shame! Yet You see me as washed and pure because Your Son stands before me in Heaven. I beg You to work Your sanctifying grace in me now, at this moment.

I am gonna go write! I have wasted too much time this last semester.

2007-06-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

What am I?
I am a GEEK!!

What do I want to do?
I WANT TO MAKE A MOVIE, STINK IT!

I want to finish everything that I have started and left incomplete over the last few years because I was weak on my own power. This includes:

- facilitating the stinkin' Honor Code stuff at PHC, if possible. I think it is. I'm not a student any more, but I can still talk to influential students.
- helping the student Tech Commission to fix up the senate website. Should be a good item for me to advise on, since I will be a webbie for PHC.
- finishing the half-dozen stories I have left half-completed on my computer. I outlined one of them tonight. It is going to be a pretty good book when it is done.
- finishing my screenplay and making my movie! God willing, I ought to make local contacts this summer with Mr. Escobar's project.
- writing my epic trilogy
- researching the origins of the world
- joining a church (Grace!) and volunteering for music and/or Sunday school
- finishing my History major!
- embarking on grad school 'cause I might want to teach at the college level someday
- visiting South America where the Incas lived!

It appears to me that I have already begun most of my life projects. Some of them will just take a little longer to finish than others. This all ought to keep me busy, what do you think?

2007-06-21T08:09:00.000-07:00

I think I overreacted a little bit. I'm not sure a nun is the right image. I don't know what is. But I know that to live fully I need to find the path of self-governance and contentment in a world of temptation, not to avoid the world altogether. Being a nun for three years is ridiculous.

I just need to admit that I don't have a clue how to handle my emotions properly and pour it all out in dependence on God. My rules below hold, except the one about avoiding guy friendships. Some guys, yes, I will avoid. Most guys, no.

2007-06-20T07:18:00.000-07:00

As of last night, I think I have come to another culminating point of my life, one of those epiphanies that changes everything that comes after. When I was 17, I vowed that I would always put my hand up in support of God, no matter what it cost me. When I was 20, I told Jesus that He was my Lord, not just my Savior. Now I am 23, and I think I understand what singlehood means. It is not being alone. It is the amazing opportunity to be married to God. Like a nun, a temporary nun.

The fact I haven't wanted to accept for years is this: I have work to do on my own for a while. That's the way God made me. I can do so many things all at once. It is time just to let them all out. It is like a very tall woman unconsciously stooping because she is embarrassed that God made her so tall. She can't help it. Neither can I. Why handicap myself?

I have a full-time job now, and I plan to be involved in movie projects and graduate work as well. This coming year, God willing, I will take two history classes at PHC each semester and finish up my History major. So for three years at least, I will be very, very busy. I mustn't get distracted.

But I know I am prone to distraction, particularly emotional distraction. So I must plan ahead of time and protect myself in ways that people who do not have this problem don't have to do. Kind of like a recovering alcoholic.

This is what I think it means to be married to God for this time:
- I will not flirt with any man or hold excessively long conversations with only him.
- Nor will I cheat on God by indulging mental fantasies of any sort, no matter how harmless they seem.
- I will strive to use all my energies in His service.
- I will embark on a regimen of discipline - body, mind, and soul - to make myself more pleasing to Him.
- I will speak to Him daily in prayer and listen to His replies in His Word.

Extra measures I will have to take:
- I will make friends with only girls and keep guys at the acquaintance level, with the exception of those few I already know are "safe" for me.
- I will refrain from dancing during this season.
- I will try to anticipate empty blocks of time and prepare for them with volunteer work or scheduled activities.

I know that I will find every one of these resolutions difficult. At times, some will be tested to the utmost, and I will question their validity. But this is where I start. I think it is the first step to really enjoying life.

2007-06-13T22:25:00.001-07:00

And as a short little post (a pleasant change from late!), I really don't have any idea where my life is gonna end up or what's gonna happen. A little topsy-turvy makes things interesting, I say.

2007-06-13T13:39:00.000-07:00

All right already, way too much introspection. I'm depressing me! Time for a post of truth. That means, Bible-focused.

Before summer began, I prayed to know my focus verses for these months. For whatever reason, I felt led back to my "calling" verses, Jeremiah 1:4-10:
"Then the word of the Lord came unto me, saying, Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. Then said I, Ah, Lord God! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. But the Lord sid unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shal send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak. Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the Lord.Then the Lord put forth his hand, and touched my mouth. And the Lord said unto me, Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth. See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant."

My words and creativity had totally disappeared during the semester, but now I find it is all back, better and richer than ever. But still, I've been wrestling fruitlessly with these verses. That's not what I wanted. I wanted something else. So I was wasting many hours with fruitless, passive introspection instead of working on the tasks before me. When I do work on my screenplay I feel joyful... complete.

This past weekend after I heard about my job, I felt like I needed to pray something I didn't think could possibly happen. I had no rest until I prayed it, and then I basically wrestled over my unbelief for two whole days. "Lord, help my unbelief," I prayed. "Increase my faith." I felt utterly miserable, and I asked again to be led to the verses I needed. I opened my Bible and found the series of Psalms that God gave me two months ago at another time when I didn't see any goodness - Psalms 144-150:
"Lord, what is man, that thou takest knowledge of him! or the son of man, that thou makest account of him! Man is like to vanity: his days are as a shadow that passeth away" 144:3-4
"The eyes of all wait upon thee; and thou givest them their meat in due season. Thou openest thine hand, and satisfiest the desire of every living thing." 145:15-16
"Praise ye the Lord. Praise the Lord, O my soul. While I live will I praise the Lord: I will sing praises unto my God while I have any being." 146:1-2
"Praise ye the Lord: for it is good to sing praises unto our God; for it is pleasant; and praise is comely. . . . He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds." 147:1-3
"Praise ye the Lord. Praise ye the Lord from the heavens: praise him in the heights. Praise ye him, all his angels: praise ye him, all his hosts. . . . praise . . . praise . . . praise . . . praise." 148
"Praise ye the Lord. Sing unto the Lord a new song, and his praise in the congregation of saints." 149:1
"Let every thing that hath breath praise the Lord. Praise ye the Lord." 150:6

I also found myself attracted inexorably to Hebrews 11: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

This is especially meaningful considering last semester's theme verses, Romans 5:1-5:
"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope; And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

From the looks of things, "faith" and "hope" are interchangeable. If I am asking for faith now, it is the next progression after last semester's constant request for patience. My tribulations were working that patience. After all the waiting, the connection between that and "hope" is "experience." The light at the end of the tunnel? Or the light at the end of previous tunnels? I already feel the "love of God" being "shed abroad" more easily and profusely, to my joy.

I read a useful quote today from the book Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow: "Noah didn't just accept the fact of God's Word intellectually. He put 'feet to his faith' and began pounding nails. With each nail he was affirming, 'I believe You, God.' True faith is always active" (142).

So the summation is obvious - I need to continue to concentrate on the writing in front of me and praise God as He works out His good for me, as He always does, on His own timing.

Frankly, I think my paralyzing emotional attack that came out of nowhere was Satan's attempt to keep me from a task that will have tremendous good for God's kingdom. I felt the same thing all last spring when I was working on my 99-page senior History project. I should be flattered. If so, the old lion has already lost, because the more miserable I feel, the tighter my death grip on God becomes.

2007-06-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

This post was written in emotion, and I don't think it was wise. So I have deleted it. I apologize.

2007-06-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

Nicole asks: "I thought you'd comment more about graduation, though. (Feel free to reflect; I'm probably not the only one who likes hearing this stuff.)"

I didn't post about graduation because I was emotionally numb and exhausted that weekend. I think the numbness is a defense mechanism when I expect to feel pain otherwise. I did post a few times ago that my heart broke this last semester... Yeah.

So I could report facts about graduation. The weather was perfect. At the ceremony before Commencement where the faculty and staff committed us graduates to the Lord, both Dr. Hake and Dr. Farris prayed for me, which made me cry. I lined up with a lot of people, most of whom I don't know very well because I actually belonged to the previous class, and because many on the roster of graduates lived off-campus this year. I cheered for other people while grabbing for my hat to keep it from blowing off in the wind. Then I walked across the stage, grinned for the photographer, and shook Dr. Walker's and Dr. Farris's hands with a heartfelt, "Thank you!" for all they've done.

My dad and several siblings had driven over for my graduation, which was a tremendous blessing. They provided a happy cushion from the world around me, which I was ignoring. We packed and cleaned and started driving Sunday morning.

Meanwhile, I was hanging in limbo on many fronts. How long would I be home? Could I mentally commit to anything? Not really. I felt tender, fragile, and... raw. My gut was telling me that I had unfinished business at PHC and that this wasn't really the end of anything, but I had no rational proof to back up the feeling.

Nicole also asks if I still have plans for grad school? Yes, absolutely. I am fascinated with Bible, theology, philosophy, and culture, so I will probably be starting a distance-learning Master's from Covenant Theological Seminary sometime in the near future, possibly fall of 2008. I don't want to make a permanent career out of movies or even public affairs stuff, which is my new job. I think I am most fitted to be a pastor's wife, to homeschool a large family, and to write fiction (books, screenplays, or both) that points people inexorably to God. I've discovered in myself a hunger for evangelism and for teaching. I would love to lead women's Bible studies; I've been wanting to lead Bible studies for several years now.

Right now I am diving into movie stuff because I've always loved movies, and it would always be a huge "What if?" in my life if I didn't. Besides, I think these next few years are likely to be the only window of my life where I have the leisure to do so.

Sometimes I think I can catch glimpses of my entire life. When I was a freshman at PHC, one time Dr. Gruenke gave a women's chapel about singlehood. She was 27 then, and I remember thinking, "I could never wait until I was 27 to be married!" Just then I got one of those weird itchy "Oops!" feelings that hasn't gone away since. You wait. I'm gonna be 27 when I am married.

I've been ripening a whole other fictional world in the back of my brain for three years now. It's called Erthe, and it's gonna result in an epic trilogy. My goal to finish that is by age 30. I have to get through this movie stuff first. Mr. Escobar has a few potential screenplays in the back of his mind, and one of them really resonates with me as well. It's about last spring at PHC.

After age 30, I don't even have hazy plans, except one need that's been on my mind - Hollywood. Not for moviemaking, but as a mission field. Christians tend to think of Hollywood as "them," the enemy, not as people who need God. But if the excellent moviemakers over there became Christian, they could do the Christian moviemaking. I suspect that most of those folks are used to antagonistic Christians and have never really heard the Gospel. Will this be one of the battles I participate in? I don't know.

Another need I see that could be answered in middle age is to write about how the growth of divorce in America has given no moral ground for Christians to stand on when we want to argue against homosexuality. Family life is really the center of all that's good because God made it to image Him, and so Satan attacks there first. That is also why sexual sins are so disturbing and cause so much guilt, because proper sexual relations image God so beautifully. But to write about this I need a husband who cares even more about such matters than I do, and I need a family.

I also have a strong heart for the condition of American education, and for how so many happy little children are turned into miserable, confused young people. I have absolutely no idea at this point what I can do in this area.

My old-age project is to write the Christian prehistory of how everyone spread out from Babel to where they are now, or to facilitate someone else writing it. The evidence exists. I spent a few years learning enough to satisfy myself that the world's history does, indeed, have a solid, rational starting point that doesn't include millions of years. I want to write the book that will convince others, but for that I need a solid reputation first. Thus, an old-age project, after I have accumulated much knowledge, wisdom, and skill.

I want a love who has a strong heart for God first, and who possesses great courage and a huge wealth of sympathy for the lost. I want a strong man who understands the world without letting it spot him, either through bitterness or through compromise. I want to stand by his side and help keep him strong and clean.

I want a beautiful, loving, hospitable family and house, always ready to welcome others.

Now, with all the sorrow out there, why should I expect that all these things will happen? Why should I deserve them? Why would God give me such gifts? Shouldn't I resign myself to less, because this is a fallen world?

It's like my job. On the gut level, I believe that these things will occur. I am an optimist. On the rational level, I am a pessimist.

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.

2007-06-08T15:36:00.000-07:00

Gosh, I'm sleepy. I just finished eleven hours of road trip to pick up my three youngest siblings from their Worldview Academy camp waaay at the opposite end of Missouri. But I have happy, good news. The end of one little saga is almost over, and another begins soon. Starting over Christmas break, I tried to step out in a direction I had never tried before - moviemaking. It was a vague, fearful step because I had no idea where it would land me. I also prayed for patience and understanding.

Over the course of the last several months, I have learned that I am mostly fascinated with writing movie stories, just as I have been drawn to write stories of all sorts for the last eleven years of my life. I want to learn how to use a camera and video-editing software, but that is not my passion.

So anyway, during the process of figuring this out I became convinced that I should stay in the northern Virginia area, since that's where my movie project mentor is planning to run five independent movie projects over the next three years. Problem is, as I know from previous experience, just 'cause I am convinced of something doesn't mean that everyone else has the same message. My mom could not see it at all, and so my parents would not support this decision at first. I felt more alone and confused than I ever have in my life. So I grew up.

See, I prayed two things - "Lord God, close all doors but the one I should go through," and, "Lord, let me know what you want me to do only when I need to know." These prayers led inevitably to two more things - lots of rejection and lots of waiting. I applied for a few different jobs at PHC, and I was turned down for each one. Did this mean that God was closing the door on my plan? Was it all a crazy impulse of my own? Could I trust absolutely none of my faculties, my perceptions, my wants and desires? How should I lead life? What was my purpose, since I had turned down grad school for this coming fall?

A week and a half before finals, Dr. Hake sent around an email about a new job opening up soon in Communications. It involved writing, editing, graphics & layout ability, and Internet skills. Huh - funny. My exact skill set, since I have worked for my parents' magazine for years, Internet programming is one of my most favorite hobbies, and I was Public Affairs Officer of the year for the entire state of Missouri when I was in Civil Air Patrol.

I replied to the email immediately and was told that the job opening hadn't actually been formally posted yet. So I waited another week. In the middle of finals, the formal announcement came around, and I shot off my cover letter and resume again, along with a potpourri of writing samples.

Finals ended. That Wednesday, three days before graduation, I had my interview with Mr. Halbrook. We talked for an hour about everything in the world. He told me I would probably know in a month.

I drove home with my family, and the waiting began. It became more and more clear in these weeks just how impossible it would be for me to head back out to VA if I didn't get this job. Really, my plans hinged around this key point - did I get the job or not?

A week and a half ago my pastor preached an excellent sermon about praying. He spoke on the text about the widow who pesters the unjust judge until she gets justice. "We should PUSH - Pray Until Something Happens," he said. So I started praying three times a day for this (and other things), which turned into nonstop prayer some days.

Tuesday of this week I had a second interview for the job via phone. Apparently, Dr. Farris gave me a sterling recommendation, and other people everywhere were speaking up for me as well. Mr. Halbrook said I would know by the end of the week.

Today I had just stopped with my siblings at a Wendy's in the center of Missouri when my cell phone rang. It was Mr. Halbrook. And I got the job!!!! God is so amazing. So is Dr. Farris. :D I will be heading east the first week of July, and my job begins in the second week.

There are no words, really, although I just used plenty.

2007-05-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to folks who have reassured me that they are reading my blog, even if they would rather send me a long email instead of posting a little bitty comment. :D *waves to Nate in Cambridge*

In retrospect, that last post was kinda depressing. I didn't mean it to be. I think this attitude towards guy/girl relationships is part of learning contentment. I don't need to be married to do many useful, fun things. In fact, I can dive obsessively into developing talents right now in a way I will most certainly not be able to do some day when I am married. On the other hand, when (or if, I guess) I am someday married, I will be able to give everything to serving a husband and kids in a way I really have no right to do with any man or any kids at this moment.

This is a season - a good season. It has many possibilities that I have only begun to explore. Why focus on the bads? There are plenty of goods to distract me.

2007-05-29T07:47:00.001-07:00

I don't even know if anyone's reading this, but it makes me happy to write it, so I shall continue.

About happiness - I am learning that it is closely connected to contentment. And contentment is the opposite of control. This is because any 'control' in this life is only an illusion. I am not in control. God is. The more I learn to accept that, the better everything will be.

So. At this moment I am not merely waiting to hear about whether I have a job or not, and therefore whether or not I am heading back out to VA after all. I am living. This is a good life. I could deal. The one season is, effectively, over, and a new one is beginning. In this new season, I am not a College Kid. I am a Single. I am Eligible. I'm not sure I care to be eligible. I would like at some time to be settled and married happily with someone I love, but this whole thing about being Available is kinda intimidating. 'Cause I'm not, really. I just look like it. I'm not looking for it. I'm too confused, and I don't trust my judgment any more. Nor do I trust most guys in this world nowadays.

It's that control problem again, isn't it? Lucky for me I gave the responsibility for the starting of romance to my dad. He can provide a welcome barrier between me and the world. Not that I have a horde of guys pursuing me, either. I guess I've had my shields up. The time wasn't right. Is it correct now? I don't presume to say. I think I would take considerable convincing. God knows.

2007-05-27T16:00:00.001-07:00

What is this resting thing? I am so bad at it.
I think it is where a person does what she wants to do.
You mean I can lie by the side of the pool & suntan & read?
Yes.
You mean it is OK to watch an entire season of Heroes in two days?
Yes.
What about computer games?
Yes.
But what about this twitchy urge to schedule my days into chunks and begin an in-depth project? I feel like a bad person.
You are lying to yourself. So long as you are spending plenty of time with God, you are all right. If you wrote anything right now, it would be terrible anyway. Stop stressing. Just rest.
But what about being a writer? What if I never write anything good?
You're only 23. Give it time.
But -
...
You've never rested in your life, have you?
No, I guess not. We always did schoolwork straight through summer, and I was always working for Mom and Dad too. We never went on vacation.
It's part of your problem with control, isn't it? You always want to be doing and fixing.
That could be it. Pastor Stain at church today told me he has the same sin area. It's definitely a problem with trust. Maybe I should just sit back and see what God can teach me from resting.
Sounds good. You probably don't even know how tired you are right now. Take two weeks. It could make a big difference.
OK. But you just wait! Second half of June, things'll be different!
OK. Seeya then, workaholic!

2007-05-26T12:41:00.001-07:00

Why it is so nice to be home right now

Mom: "It'll be good to have you here for a month when you're graduated... You always have some hugely important project you're working on. Now you can just lie in the sun by the side of the pool and rest."

Lillie (13-year-old sis): "What shall I call you? Let me see. There's 'Sarah,' 'Pretty One,' or possibly, 'Blueberry.'"
("Blueberry" because I was wearing my blue swimsuit at the time)

Magda (22-year-old sis): "I just baked chocolate-chip cookies. I don't want anybody to eat them, 'cause I'm saving them for my friend's visit this evening. But you can have some, if you want."

Yesterday my dad hauled my big TV screen down from the pile of stuff in the middle of the living room, and we set it up along with my DVD player in my "cave" in the basement, where nobody else comes. Then Magda and I went to Blockbuster and rented Save the Last Dance and Stomp the Yard. We had an older-girls dance movie night down in my chilly cave, huddled together under a comforter.

The neighborhood pool opened today, so I took the sibs. We stayed for three hours. I was reading a screenplay for It's a Wonderful Life, and they were all swimming, playing beach ball, and having a cannonball/corkscrew contest in the deep end. I felt older than them and distant from their game, but I am at last content with that. It is the progression of life. (or maybe it's not; maybe it's just me, since my parents join in with gusto when they are present. but nonetheless, I am content with it)

In a few minutes I will be leaving with my older brother, Ted, to watch Pirates of the Caribbean III. I can think of few funner people than Ted to watch a gruesome movie with. He and I will inevitably argue about the movie afterwards, but that is only part of the fun.

I have determined to live this month to the fullest with the people around me. Lucky for me that they love me and provide such an entertaining existence. :D :D

2007-05-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

Restless. Just like my stuff, which is stacked in a large heap in the center of our living room. This is not my stopping place, here at home, and there is nowhere to put me. And yet I will probably be out here in MO through all of June at least. I am waiting to hear if I have a job back in VA. Still waiting. But I am closer to knowing what comes next. I can feel it. Still, the last little bit of waiting is always the hardest.

Over Christmas I prayed a few things for this, my last semester, which I have just completed. I prayed that God would teach me patience and wisdom. And I asked that He would break my heart. Why would I ask these things? I knew that I needed them. I require patience and wisdom so much, and I understood that my heart had to learn to obey God's reins. Also, I didn't really know what I was asking. I didn't know how much it would hurt.

For summer, I'm asking for something different. I'm asking for happiness. That is the answer I got this time when I asked the Holy Spirit inside of me to show me how to pray. It seems like the right request. But what do I know? I don't know anything. So I am also praying, "Not my will, but Thine, be done."

At the end of every tunnel, there is a light. Some tunnels are longer and darker than others, but that only makes the light brighter and more beautiful when it arrives.

2007-05-15T19:50:00.001-07:00

Wow. I scarcely believe it. I am about to graduate. Let me say it again - wow! I still have 30 pages of screenplay outstanding, but I think I'm gonna finish most of that at home. I've been writing, and it's coming, but it's coming slowly. So I'm not stressing about it. It will happen.

Last night I was sitting on the steps of Founders watching folks throwing a frisbee in the grassy circle. I remembered. Freshman through junior years, we played Frisbee in the circle all the time. I suddenly saw different people running and shouting, and I saw myself among them - pained, always pained, and wondering why guys didn't throw frisbees to girls. How this school is changed. How I have changed. And how we've stayed the same... I felt tears of joy to God, and a rich sense of fulfilment and completion. By God's grace, I have lived these five years the fullest of any in my life. I hope I feel the same way at the very end of this time on earth.

Tomorrow night Christy, Brittainy, some others, and myself all head out to Raven's Rock at 10pm. We plan to build a fire and stay out past midnight. That should bring back another rush of nostalgia, since Raven's Rock is one of my favorite spots. That is where I first went hiking freshman year, escaping the dreary memories of suburbia for a trek through nature. This semester, I climbed that 40' cliff.

Thursday evening is the Chorale banquet, a summation of more memories. This year I have learned heaps about music, much more than I ever knew before. I love music, and I positively adore singing. I'm not the best, but it brings me joy. It allows me to pour out all my breath to God. Besides that, I don't know when next I'll be able to sing in a choir of this sort. What an experience and an opportunity we have had!

Friday my family arrives - five siblings and my dad. They will hopefully show up in time for the barbecue, which they had said before they would not be able to manage. This is a tremendous blessing... I've stayed for graduation every previous year, and I always imagined how sad it would be when I was attending my own bbq without my family. My mom had always told me before that they probably wouldn't make it out, and so I find that I actually managed to give it up somewhere in the past years. Now I feel that their presence is sheerly a gift.

And I have a job interview tomorrow at 3:30. It's a good job. I would like to have it. We will see.

2007-05-10T12:20:00.000-07:00

The day before finals start, that time of pain. I only have two, so, while I am tired, it is nothing approaching the exhaustion of some other people. I recall previous years... My first three years, I always had either six or seven finals. Horrifying, terrible days of non-stop study and very little sleep. Now I study at a more relaxed pace, but everyone around me is suffering... I think it is easier in some ways to suffer myself and be too busy to notice.

***Later correction to the above
Actually, I am stinkin' tired. I fell asleep with my head down on my table in the very center of the busy library this afternoon. I think this is because I worked at scanner in the dining hall for five hours today. My mind isn't really working any more. No profound thoughts here. I can hardly put words together to type.

OK, back to studying for Music App.

2007-04-28T08:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended my fifth Liberty Ball here at PHC. It was hands-down my best, although I did not have a date yet again. It is so tempting to feel self-pity when nobody ever asks you to the school dances, and I have each of the past years. But this time my accountability partners, Juli and Kristen, and I prepared ourselves with prayer. Whenever I began to incline to melancholy, I prayed to Jesus as the lover of my soul. I asked to feel His presence. Then I was all right.

Jesus is truly all I need. Sometimes I find it so impossible to remember that fact. I wander by the instant. I desire more. I berate myself for desiring more. Who am I to dictate the way that God should display His love for me?

I've been pretty sad the last few weeks, but I'm coming out of it. I trust God, and I love Him. He also loves me. I've been praying for months now that He won't let me believe lies. For the last week or so I've also been praying that I'll be totally blindsided by His goodness - that I won't see it coming at all.

So why should I be depressed if I don't see? Isn't that what I asked? I have to let go and stop trying to anticipate. Stop trying to control... I don't want to be in control. I want to be blown away.

I'm clinging to You, my Lord, with a desperate hope. I'm hanging over empty space. You'd better be real and true, or I am in trouble...

2007-04-23T18:09:00.001-07:00

Ran movie auditions tonight. Had prayed that just the right people would show. Obtained three guys - my "Three Suits," stereotypical dudes in suits, leftover in my writer's dream world from her previous stories. Otherwise, nil. I found all my female characters last time, assuming that I am going to be the writer myself. I still have one huge, gaping hole - the male lead. I really only need to shoot one scene with him to show that he exists, 'cause I'm just making a promo piece/trailer. Thus, probably a single afternoon would suffice. Who will he be? God knows.

The weather has turned lovely. I hope it stays that way.

2007-04-15T19:59:00.001-07:00

The uncertainty drags on and on... Why oh why did I have to go and pray to learn patience this semester? I still don't know about the job here at PHC. I don't know for sure where I'll work if I don't get this job. My parents are pressuring me heavily about my one grad school acceptance still, even though it just doesn't seem right to me. It just doesn't, and it never has! I think I'm supposed to be staying out here in VA to work on movie stuff, but all of that is new and uncertain. What if I am wrong? What if I am misinterpreting what I am supposed to do, because it is influenced by my desires? Oh, God! I thought this would all be resolved by the end of March, but now it is the middle of April. How much longer?

Sometimes it stabs me like a needle of sorrow through my stomach and heart. I just want to clutch my middle, curl up in a little ball, and cry. Sometimes I do. I am really not very strong at all.

I do trust God that all this will work out, that I will look back at this time with nostalgia and understand what it all meant. If I have made mistakes, I will shake my head at myself. If somehow I chose correctly, I will praise God in awe and wonder.

Oh, God, I just wish my parents would support me and help me. Why do I have to be alone in this? It is scary enough, but they don't think I can do it. They have judged that my screenplay writing is worthless and juvenile, and they have never read it, nor do they care to. Why can't they trust me?

Oh Lord, when will it all make sense?

2007-04-06T20:36:00.001-07:00

Oh, Lord!

Tonight I had the joy of volunteering at the P'ville Teen Center yet again. I had a chance to say hi to Dante and the boy who calls himself Satan. Turns out they both witnessed the first half of Harmonicomedy here at PHC last Friday; I thought I had seen them there! Naturally, they said it was stupid and corny, because they say everything is stupid and corny. ;) Then "Satan" told another one of his ghastly tales of murder and mayhem. I didn't blink. I said I wanted to go play DDR. "Satan" said that only gay people play DDR. I said, whatever, it makes me happy. So I went.

At DDR, I met Allie again, and her sister Adrienne. Adrienne was scared to try because she knew she would look stupid learning. So Allie and I played. She was a beginner, so I encouraged her to try harder stuff. That meant I had to try harder stuff myself, as an example. ;) So she failed a few on Beginner, and I failed a few on Heavy. It was fun.

Angel was there, the twelve-year-old with black toenail polish and black eyeshadow, black tights, a dress with a cool red pattern, and her red-dyed hair. She is normally hyper, unable to sit still for a minute. Tonight something had scared her. She was still and quiet. And then I found out what it was. I asked her about books, and she told me about a creepy book her teachers had made her read, all about a utopian commune. That led into a discussion of evil. Turns out that Angel had been messing with a Ouija board and experiencing terrifying nightmares. What made the conversation more difficult is that another adult volunteer was there as well, a lady who believes that evil and good are balanced in the world, and who does not believe that Jesus is God, with all God's power to dispel evil. So I prayed, "God help me; give me the words!" Then I asked the lady volunteer what was going to happen when she died and how she knew. She stopped and fumbled and said that she hoped she was going to Heaven. Both of us counseled Angel to get rid of her Ouija board. Then the lady volunteer left quickly.

It was time to go, but first I managed to say this to Angel: "I don't know what you believe about God and Jesus, but I tell you this -- if you ever feel really lost and scared, pray, 'Jesus, help me!'" I will be praying for her. She is way too young to be facing this terrifying stuff.

This is life -- a taste of real life on Friday nights. I am so inadequate to speak or write the truth that addresses every person's story. I can only pray that God uses me somehow.

2007-03-31T20:54:00.001-07:00

Waiting, waiting... still waiting... But the end is drawing nearer. I can feel events culminating.

I have to make my decision about grad school by April 15. I won't know about whether I have a job here at PHC, however, until the end of the month. Also, I have only heard from the University of Missouri-Columbia's Journalism program so far. UVA's M.F.A. in Creative Writing will let me know by April 2.

It would be hard for me to leave this area of Virginia right now. I have much to hold me here. More than that, new & cool things are developing. My movie project mentor is planning to create five low-budget films here over the next three years, and he is especially interested in involving PHC students and alumni. I want to be a part of this. And there are other reasons, too...

But, as my parents counseled me last week, I have to be willing to go anywhere and do anything. God requires that surrender from me. And further, this week I began reading I Corinthians again, and I found these verses:
And in this confidence I was minded to come unto you before, that ye might have a second benefit; and to pass by you into Macedonia, and to come again out of Macedonia unto you, and of you to be brought on my way toward Judaea. When I therefore was thus minded, did I use lightness? Or the things that I purpose, do I purpose according to the flesh, that with me there should be yea yea, and nay nay? But as God is true, or word toward you was not yea and nay. For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by us, even by me and Silvanus and Timotheus, was not yea and nay, but in him was yea. For all the promises of God in him are yea, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us. ~ II Cor. 1:15-20

Paul is saying that he doesn't make his decisions by human rationality, weighing everything back and forth, yes and no, doubting and tossing. Like Jesus, he submits: "Yes Lord, whatever you will, so I shall do." In him was yea. That is how I must be as well at this crucial point in my life. So I pray that God's will may be clear, exactly when I need to know it. And that time is approaching quickly.

I just wish I knew... but no, I can't say it.

2007-03-23T17:16:00.001-07:00

It is unpleasant to be sick at school. It is even more unpleasant when one does not possess a roommate. One must drag herself up to meals if she wishes to eat. One could die in her bed and nobody would know for a few days, until the wing began to smell bad. Or so I told Emily, but she laughed at me and assured me it would never happen. Uh huh.

I slept almost all of Wednesday and Thursday, but now I'm starting to feel better. The truly interesting part for me was how the physical sickness came accompanied by a wave of spiritual and mental depression. I had to keep telling myself, "It's all lies! The world is the same as it was a few days ago." But I still find it hard not to trust my own senses.

You know what, though? I am learning about love. I love my school. Even though it is flawed. Even though it has hurt me and will probably hurt me again. I haven't let myself say or think that for months. I think it is because I am so much of an idealist. I want something to be perfect before I love it. But that's never gonna happen. I'm learning that about people, too. I love my friends not because they are good, but because we need to love each other to help each other grow to be like Christ. That is the purpose of friendship. I love flawed folks who have hurt me and who will hurt me again. And they love me, too, and they help me grow. I think I am starting to understand...

2007-03-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

It is the last day of spring break, and I have come to realize something about my family. It is made up of geeks. And, really, this is OK. Geeks are splendid creatures.

So this post is about Geekdom, which is a strange and comfortable universe, very different from my PHC world. In Geekdom, the inhabitants are clothed at best in jeans and a t-shirt that reads, "There are two types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't." At worst, they cannot understand why they might want to change out of torn exercise pants and a wrinkled shirt of dubious character before they go watch a movie in the theater.

But a Geek absolutely loves to watch movies in the theater. The purpose is not the "experience," but the movie itself, which he will dissect with passionate sincerity. He watches in the theater instead of waiting to see a movie more cheaply, because he cannot wait. The people in the theater are also suffused with the same rosy glow in the Geek's mind, so long as they also love movies with passionate intensity. If they whisper and giggle, the Geek can do nothing else but despise them with utter loathing.

A Geek loves math in general, because it is clean and precise, the way the world should be. He has a keen sense of oughtness, since his mind operates at least halfway in the abstract world of perfection. For this reason, a Geek has a keen sense of right and wrong. Depending on how he feels about the other half of reality, this sense can reveal itself in two extremes - obsession with rectitude or a laid-back withdrawal from conflict.

Geeks can be a lot of fun because of their utter sincerity. An extroverted Geek can befriend anyone who does not care about external appearances, because he certainly doesn't. An introverted Geek likes other sincere people to come to him, but otherwise he is more honest than other sorts of introverted people - he cares much more about his work than about pushing through social niceties.

I myself am a hybrid of two worlds, a chameleon. I slip into geekhood easily; it is my heritage, and I am faster than almost everyone I know at math and science. But I do not choose that life to be my all. I temper my black and white with the shades of philosophy and theology that fill in the grayscale. I treasure my abstract half, while I choose to get dirty by bumping into folks in the concrete world. Abstract and concrete. Faith and reason. Spiritual and physical. It takes a hybrid, I do believe, to make a true philosopher.

2007-03-08T15:04:00.000-08:00

As I am waiting for the teapot on the stove to boil, I have decided to write, appropriately, about tea.

I know of several varieties of tea. So far as I have encountered, there exist green tea, red tea, black tea, herbal tea, and white tea. I don't know what makes them these diverse "colors," and I like some of every sort. I also dislike some of every sort. As a generalization, I am not fond of Tazo brand tea, although I drink their green tea in the dining hall out of dire necessity. I much prefer anything blended by the Republic of Tea. From the little *pop* as one removes the end of the cylinder to the delicate aroma of the contents to the final product, the Republic of Tea experience is a joy. And I like their flavored black teas best of all.

Green tea, however, is the best for you, because it is chock-full of antioxidants. I discovered an interesting factoid while perusing Muscle and Fitness Hers last week as well - apparently, drinking a cup of green tea before bed will soothe mind and body and prepare one for a peaceful sleep. I have tried that a few times this week, and it seemed to work. Or exhaustion could have brought about the same results.

I never appreciated tea properly until four years ago, when Gabi and Ashlea D., beloved roommates, introduced me to its multivarious attractions. Perhaps I still do not appreciate it, because I must drink it with a packet of Splenda applied. Ashlea tells me that one can best taste the flavor without sweetener. I don't know. I find it bitter.

OK, the pot is whistling. Time to imbibe a mugful of Ginseng Peppermint herbal tea from the Republic of Tea. :D

2007-03-07T13:10:00.001-08:00

It is a wonderful thing to be running in the spring breeze up a tall hill that cannot conquer me because I am young and joyful and made by God.

2007-03-06T19:42:00.000-08:00

I suppose I should add a proper post, not that anyone really cares. 'Cept me. I care. So what should I talk about? Spring break, I suppose.

I've been doing a lot of sleeping. Reading. I bought new sneakers and gave myself blisters after the first mile I ran in them. Yesternight I wrote a poem I think is all right. Had quiet times, of course. And watched movies. I saw Amazing Grace again with my family on Sunday afternoon, Bridge to Terabithia Monday, and Ghost Rider tonight. I figure if I want to watch movies it is best to do so while in the St. Louis area, since we have an excellent chain of theatres, and they offer student rates.

I would love to give detailed reviews, but I feel like I need to go to bed again soon. Suffice it to say that I enjoyed Amazing Grace again the second time, and I definitely want to own it, but I think it is a little long. I am absolutely blown away by the story it tells - the power of one heroic man (and woman!) to change the world - but as a movie it could be more visually powerful. It has plenty of great dialogue, but it lacks for the one memorable scene that makes a movie into a classic. In Chariots of Fire that would be for me the race where Eric Liddell is knocked down and gets up to win. Or Abrahams race with Lindsay around the Cambridge square. Or when Mr. Mussabini punches through his hat. You get the idea. Perhaps it is also the music. Music makes a tremendous difference to Chariots of Fire. And the duel of wills. If it was just Liddell's story, who would watch? But we have Abrahams too, the humanist.

Bridge to Terabithia - Many redeeming elements, but it feels overall to me way too much like Finding Neverland, only without Johnny Depp. Even down to the ending. I really did like the kids they picked for the parts, although I didn't find the story satisfying overall. Also, a dangerous Romantic worldview that confuses and doesn't give any real answers.

Ghost Rider - Wasn't watching for the worldview, 'cause I knew it would be screwy. OK as a story, and Nicholas Cage makes a good Ghost Rider, but the fight scenes were beyond corny. Also, I can't stand the way they made Eva Mendes act the female lead. Ew, too self-conscious, and who keeps her hair and makeup perfect after a demon has dragged her into a city of the dead and then tossed her into a wall? I want that brand of lipstick! Some people will like this movie, but I don't feel any real urge to watch it again.

I guess that is pretty detailed after all. Maybe I like movies.

2007-03-01T09:54:00.000-08:00

God is good. I love Him. I want to love Him more.

2007-02-24T12:25:00.000-08:00

Honest thoughts on life and love

Last night I watched the movie Amazing Grace, and then I slept for nine hours. I feel remarkably peaceful on every level right now. Since I have been unusually exhausted this past week, I am taking advantage of this temporary window of clearheadedness in order to sum up the conclusions of the last few months.

I spoke with Mr. Escobar, my movie project mentor, yesterday. He asked me if I wanted to go into movie work after graduation. I didn't know how to answer, because I am torn two different ways right now. I am trying to decide both what God wants from me as a human being and what He wants from me as a woman. This is confusing for me as a high-IQ woman who wants to get married some day and love a family. I know that I possess some talents that are rare for either men or women. Language, words, and the abstract world are for me colors and music to be shaped. I see. Dr. Hake told my parents once that I had an "uncanny" ability to do this. One thing is for sure - it comes from outside of me. I cannot reason it into existence. It just is. Thus, I pray for words every time I sit down to write.

Last night after Amazing Grace, I was stunned. Carried away. It wasn't so much the movie itself, but the conviction: "That's the sort of movie I want to write." But I am afraid to give myself wholeheartedly to this end because I am a woman. I want to be willing to give up whatever I am doing in order to help a husband. I have seen in my own family the results of a business based around the wife's talents and genius without strong spiritual leadership stemming from the husband, and I don't want to duplicate it. I fear duplicating it.

My other major talent is with people. I can often "read" them too. I told Christy the other day, "When I look at a person, I see something beautiful inside. I want to touch that beauty." This is part of my personality as an ENFJ, a Teacher-type. I see potential, and I long to develop it. In the excess, which I have to restrain, this turns into an inclination to "fix" folks. They can be more. They can always be more. Only God knows what that is, and only God-given wisdom can focus my teaching instincts rightly.

See, my complement is supposed to be an ENFP, a person very like a Teacher-type, only concerned with people's spiritual well-being instead of with the development of their talents. I am only slightly tongue-in-cheek when I say that this means I am supposed to marry a pastor/evangelist someday.

I have many more thoughts, but they will have to wait. It is time for me to attempt a two-mile run with my team for the adventure race.

2007-02-18T19:05:00.000-08:00

I am tempted to tell myself that I am pathetic because I started working on a ten-page essay last Saturday and as of today I have only 7.5 pages to show for it. But then I realize that I didn't have the faintest clue at the start of last Saturday what I was going to write, and now I have 7.5 pages! Besides, I have written 32.5 pages altogether since the semester began, not counting poetry and miscellaneous. That's not too bad.

It's the same way I am beating myself up because I can run only 1.7 miles at once right now, instead of the many miles other people can. I forget that this is most endurance I have had for five years, and that a month ago I could finish barely half a mile without stopping. I guess I'm doing OK.

Besides, to beat myself up for my best efforts is to be ungrateful to God for what He has decided to give me right now. Who am I to tell God that His gifts aren't good enough?

2007-02-16T18:16:00.000-08:00

My current theme verses:

"Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Put away from thee a froward mouth, and perverse lips put far from thee. Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee. Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established. Turn not to the right hand nor to the left: remove thy foot from evil" (Proverbs 4:23-27).

On a random note, people were skating out in the soccer field today. That was surreal.

2007-02-14T06:41:00.000-08:00

We have today off from classes, thanks to snow and ice. I approve. I need to finish my Faith & Reason essay. Will I? I don't know. I'd better. It's just so hard to change my mind from one sort of writing to another. I've been so focused on my screenplay for a month and half that academic papers feel alien. But I'll bet I can do it. I have only 8.5 pages left.

Yesterday I stood up for five and a quarter hours - four hours at my scanner job in the kitchen, and 1:15 in Chorale. Still, in the evening I managed to do my weights workout and run 1.6 miles. That's more distance than last week - and I ran it faster! :D

There's a lot of exciting stuff coming up. God willing, I'll be able to start filming my movie by the end of spring break. Also in the middle of March, Ultimate Frisbee intramural league begins. I thought I was going to miss out, but one of my good friends is starting a new team. It's fun organizing for that. Possibly even more exciting is "The Forge," an adventure race coming up on April 28th. In a single Saturday, teams of six people will run 2.5 miles, bike 10-12 miles, navigate a compass course, and do a couple of other things that are not yet set. I'm on a team! We get to plan all that out as well, which is something I ought to be good at. I know a lot about food, training, supplements, all that good stuff... because I did several Body-for-Life challenges when I was 18.

I don't think I'm going to grad school this year. I don't want to. I've told my mom for a few years now that I would much prefer to work at PHC after graduation. This isn't just wanting to stick around. I wouldn't want to do that. But there really is something special happening here, and I've felt a fervent kinship to it from the start. A new job is opening up - Alumni Relations Coordinator - and I think I would be perfectly suited to it. I've applied, and I will know by the end of March.

March looks to be a turning point for me. Meanwhile, I have to live out the rest of cold February.

2007-02-12T01:57:00.000-08:00

I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I woke up randomly half an hour ago at 4am, and my eyelids keep closing, but my head hurts.

Last night I kept waking up also. In the middle of that, I dreamed, and I remember the dream. I never remember my dreams. It was more like a vision, it was so clear.

"I" wasn't really in the picture, but from my viewpoint I was gazing up at dark, layered, dramatic clouds that covered the sky. I was expectant; I knew something was going to happen. Almost immediately, a hole opened up in the clouds, and a pillar of light shone through. I felt an intense rush of joy, and my breath left me. "It's Jesus!" I thought. "He's coming, and right now I can stop struggling."

Then somehow the whole picture turned sideways so that I could see straight up through the hole in the clouds, like a tunnel. Jesus wasn't there. It was only light.

I was so disappointed. No, I was devastated. It was a combination of feeling ignorant (how could I have possibly thought it was Jesus coming?) and straight-up sadness and loss of something beautiful that I had grasped for just a second.

Still, it could have been. When He does come, maybe it will look just like that. So the dream was a gift as well.

2007-02-09T20:50:00.000-08:00

Wow, what a bad attitude I had over the last few days. I'm not sure where it came from, but I suspect it had something to do with the draining effects of giving blood. I am also not sure where the bad attitude went, but I feel like people are praying for me. I had to make some tough decisions again; it seems like that's all life is right now.

I was so blessed by volunteering at the Purcellville Teen Center tonight. The kids were actually glad to see us. I had made a sort of challenge with one girl, Anna, that I could bring a book she would like. Today I stopped by Final Draft, the used-book store in P'ville, and found a selection of three choices. She chose Ramona and Her Mother, probably my own favorite of the ones I had bought. I hope she likes it, since she is grounded and can't come next week.

And I am sad, deeply sad. I can't begin to understand the hurt and deadness in some of those kids' eyes. I just want to love them. So much prayer is needed...

2007-02-08T09:55:00.001-08:00

People don't often think to invite me to cool, fun things. Like concerts or dances. I get picked last in Frisbee. I wonder why this is? I have never been to a popular concert, so I don't know how to take myself. I'm a good dancer, but I've never had a chance to learn with a guy who also likes to dance. I enjoy Frisbee, and I do OK at it. I feel like I'm missing out on part of life. There's more human stuff going on that I should understand.

I want to learn to ski! I want to surf! I want to climb a tall mountain and swim in the ocean. I want to travel around Europe and see Inca ruins in South America.

There is a time for every purpose under Heaven.

2007-02-07T06:49:00.000-08:00

Today we have a snow day at school - the first all school year. I want to work on my screenplay all day and watch a DVD in the evening. I'm having trouble working on the screenplay. I'm seized up with self-doubt right now. Can I do this project? What makes me think I'm a writer? Mr. B. emailed me back to say he can't mentor this semester after all. Some people I was really counting on can't help. A Mr. E. in the area told me last Thursday that he could help out with equipment and such, and I emailed him on Friday. I haven't heard back from him yet. Other students are working on their own movie stuff here on campus as well, dividing resources.

Right now this project rests on my initiative alone. What makes me think I can do it?

This morning I looked out at the snowy fields behind Founders Hall. After a second, I pushed through the doors of the dining hall and struck out across the white powder. Someone's footsteps led out into the soccer field; I followed them all around the field's perimeter. A deer's tracks ran across the human ones. I stopped and made a snow angel. Then I came back in.

I have hot chocolate. It is warm in my hands. I think I can write now.

2007-02-03T13:09:00.000-08:00

I'm so jazzed. I've been jazzed all day. Last night, Maggie D. and Taylor S. convinced me to come to the P'ville Teen Center as a volunteer to hang out with the kids and keep order if necessary. I am so glad I went. Those are kids with so much potential, and almost all of it untapped. We met three in particular - Jeffrey, Dante, and a boy who calls himself "Satan" - for whom my heart especially reaches out. Their lives up to this point have been absolutely undirected and full of misery. "Satan" kept trying to shock us with gruesome stories and phrases. I told him he couldn't be Satan, because Jesus hates Satan, but Jesus would love him. He told me he would kill me in a heartbeat. I told him he didn't frighten me. And he didn't. He was just tryin' to make me go away. I'm not going; I'm coming back next Friday.

This morning I read this verse in Acts. It comes after Paul and Barnabas have been preaching to the Jews and Gentiles at Antioch and winning many to Jesus' side. The city then expels the disciples:

"But they shook off the dust of their feet against them, and came unto Iconium. And the disciples were filled with joy, and with the Holy Ghost" (Acts 13:51-52).

That's how I feel - filled with joy and with the Holy Ghost. That hour and a half at the teen center renders all my troubles into perspective. What are my troubles? Basically, I don't know whether to work for a year, hang out with my happy & loving family, or go to grad school. Those kids don't even know that their entire lives have value. I am blown away with my blessings and overwhelmed with the imbalance between my life and theirs. I have been given so much. What will I do with it? Oh Lord, I don't deserve any of it.

2007-02-01T18:33:00.000-08:00

... So many things to say, but I can't. I'm sorry. That's all. I'm sorry.

...

2007-01-28T17:33:00.001-08:00

What a week. It began Monday with the March for Life in DC. I am Member At Large of the Sanctity of Life (SoL) club here at PHC, so I delighted to attend this event. Thousands of folks filled Constitution Avenue to overflowing; everywhere sounded the chant, "Hail Mary, mother of Christ..." from all the Catholic schools in attendance. We PHC folks added our singing voices to the clamor every once in a while. My keenest memory is when we ended in front of the Supreme Court building. One group of women stood holding signs that read, "I regret my abortion." They wore sad, but proud, expressions. I wanted to give them a hug.

Tuesday and Thursday I worked at the scanner job in the kitchen for four hours each, and then had Chorale for another hour and fifteen minutes. By the end of Thursday I could hardly walk.

Tuesday evening I finally decided I would try out for the semester's play (A Tale of Two Cities) wholeheartedly. I prepared an audition song that showed a range of notes and that showcased my lower range especially. Then on Thursday afternoon after Chorale I did my acting audition. In the ten minutes before it began, I went into the bathroom and poured out my heart to God, because I really, really wanted a significant part. I remembered how the last time I tried out, for An Ideal Husband, I choked up and did terribly. But this time it went very well indeed. I am delighted with my audition, whether or not I am given a part. God is good; it was only His strength and ability that gave me courage.

Today I made the decision to change churches. I've been wrestling over it with agony for a few months now. It's a big change, since I've been attending Loudoun Baptist Temple for four years now. I can't relate all the reasons for and against here on this blog, since they are numerous, but today in my second semester visit to Grace Community Church God finally helped me settle it. I think I am making the correct decision to switch to Grace, even though my heartstrings still tear at the thought of leaving behind some of the folks at LBT. I realize that I am not saying a permanent goodbye. I fully intend to see them again in the future.

I am still waiting to hear about audition results. I am eager to know if I have a part, since that will significantly impact the rest of my semester plans.

2007-01-23T16:42:00.000-08:00

It's been much longer than a week since classes started. It's gotta be. A lot has happened. I've talked to dozens of people about my movie project and found out that there is indeed significant interest in producing it. So far so good. I'm on the 22nd page of (unformatted) screenplay. Sometime soon I need to start formatting it to find out how many pages I actually have. It would be awkward to think I'd finished the thing, only to find I had another 20 pages or something to create.

I'm trusting God with everything. Saturday and Sunday my brain was just weary, and I was seriously depressed. God drew me back to Himself on Sunday. My pastor read these verses during service:

Who is among you that feareth the Lord, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness, and hath no light? Let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God. Behold, all ye that kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks that ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand; ye shall lie down in sorrow. ~ Isaiah 50:10-11

This has been my struggle. I can't see my future. I don't have the slightest clue where I'll be or what I'll be doing in May. What I didn't understand was that I only think I know where I'll be or what I'll be doing tomorrow. God could turn everything upside-down in an instant. Only He knows. See, the man in the verses above is fearing the Lord, obeying the voice of his servant, and walking in darkness. He's not sinning. He just lacks light.
So I began to wonder, where do I find light? And then I read this in Psalms 119 during personal devotions:

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. ~ Psalms 119:105

God's Word will give me light. What its light has shone me is my own sin, which has been blocking my fellowship with my Creator. I've erected idols and tried to turn to them for satisfaction instead. I've kindled myself a fire, and I've lain down in sorrow. God wants me back. And He knows exactly what I need at this moment.

2007-01-15T12:54:00.001-08:00

I am back at PHC earlier than expected, because I wanted to avoid the ice storm that was blowing through the Midwest. It is no fun driving in ice storms. Nathan C., for example, spun off the road twice during his own drive from OK. But I set off just ahead of the storm, and so I managed to miss it. God is good. And so are Ashlea and the Bode family, each of whom put me up for a night. I am so blessed. :)

I have a few goals for this new semester. Fundamentally, I want to invest in people. I've been asking God daily to teach me about love for several months, and what He's been showing me is how much I need to improve. I look down on other people and judge them, and all the time they are the ones making a real impact in others' lives. This humbles me more than I can say. I see how I haven't let myself be vulnerable with people, how my pride has held me back. I have been willing to help (on my own schedule), but not to let myself be helped by others. I have held myself apart and erected barriers.

Also, I want to make a movie. I have several motives for this. First, I have a vision for moviemaking that nobody else seems to grasp: I want to make real movies, real entertainment, about real Christian problems. Movies by Christians for Christians, about the struggles we all face. I sometimes think that we all don't want to admit to each other that we struggle. But when we don't admit it, all we do is isolate ourselves and fragment the body of Christ. This sort of movie could bring Christians together.

Second, I want to invest in my own talents. Last semester my church had a "Kingdom Project"; we were given $100 and told to make it into more. I did airport runs at Thanksgiving and brought back more than $300 to my church. The project made me realize in a fundamental way that all the talents I have are God's on loan. I've been talking about moviemaking and thinking wistfully for years that I would be good at it. But I never have. Why not? It's fear of failure, pure and simple. I've been like the third guy in the parable: "For I feared thee, because thou art an austere man: thou takest up that thou layedst not down, and repest that thou didst not sow." Or perhaps even more so, I didn't recognize my talents as God's, and I feared what others would think of failure. But frankly, there is no way to fail. I will learn an incredible amount no matter what, and so my current talents and abilities will grow into more. This is a fact.

Third, I want to invest in others' talents. There are so many skilled and gifted people on campus who need an opportunity to bring their abilities together. I think I can provide that, if God will point them out.

Some facts about talent-growing have recently sprung out to me in bits of Bible I have read. I share them here:

"If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples" (John 15:7-8).
"But that on the good ground are they, which in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it, and bring forth fruit with patience" (Luke 8:15).
"Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper" (Psalms 1:1-3).

From these verses I see that we are fruitful when we are abiding in Christ, being watered by His Word day and night. And the fruit takes time to grow; patience in well-doing is key. I pray that God will give me joy in His Word so that my project will glorify Him and be a blessing to myself and others.

2007-01-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

Do you know what a blessing it is to be able to exercise hard? What a joy it is to run that first lap on the track at the gym after I am warmed up, when it feels like flying! How wonderful to feel the strength coming back into my body.

After last year, I cherish every moment of exercise. Last spring I was getting back into Tae Kwon Do in order to earn my 2nd dan black belt. Just as it started to feel comfortable again, I developed a muscular imbalance. A tendon on the side of my right leg tightened up, pulling my kneecap slightly off and bringing back the familiar patellar pain from when I was eighteen. For a month or more I couldn't bend or straighten my knee without feeling a serious jolt in the front of the joint. I could hardly walk, never mind exercise. Standing up or sitting down was a nerve-wracking event.

Then we had the trouble diagnosed, and I went through physical therapy successfully. My full freedom of motion regained, I entered the summer Frisbee league for the St. Louis area. I was the worst on the team because I was most out of shape, but after a few months I had improved enough to hold my own. Then three weeks before I returned to school, I broke my ankle in a game. Again, no serious exercise was possible.

A new college semester is not a good time to begin an exercise program, especially when one is producing a play. Still, I managed to keep up a maintenance level fairly well.

I entered break hopefully, with big plans to dive into exercise. However, I also entered break with a serious cough, which only became worse. My left lung wheezed audibly when I breathed. Again, I could hardly walk, never mind run. Finally, after ten days and a batch of antibiotics, my lungs were clear enough to exercise.

So here I am. Temporarily at least, my body is functioning and healthy. I am enjoying every second of it and praising God. And you know the funny part of it? I praise God for the unhealthy times as well, and this is why:

- My knee trouble in the spring occurred while I was writing my 99-page history project, keeping me from spending certain hours exercising in the gym. I used all that "free" time, all the way up to my deadline, to finish my project. Literally. I had just enough time.

- The week before I broke my ankle, I had the opportunity to go to a pub with members of my Frisbee team and talk to them about God and Christianity. The two weeks after I broke my ankle, I drove the half an hour to cheer for my team even though I couldn't play. Those people were amazed that I took the trouble. I don't know how God will use that, but at the very least it gave me a chance to show my friends that I did indeed care for them.

- Also, I was so broken down in every way when I came home for break, and I had all sorts of huge plans that would have exhausted me further. God made me rest instead; I must have slept twelve hours a night those first ten days. Since it was beyond my control, I could rest guilt-free.

God is good.

2007-01-06T14:58:00.000-08:00

The best way to make time pass quickly? Find a useful project or two to do. I can't believe I've been at home for break more than three weeks already, nor that I'm driving back in less than nine days. I've been so busy - sleeping, being sick, reading, watching movies, hanging out with sibs, writing, applying to grad schools... I haven't hardly had time to miss my school friends.

Previous breaks I almost went crazy with missing people. Not so this time. I wonder why that is? Perhaps it is because of my eight months at home last year helping my mom. They were so painful. I don't have words to describe the hole in my heart; I would lie in our backyard on the grass, looking up at the stars, and almost writhe with the pain of loneliness. Then I asked for God to fill the hole, and He did. I told the EdenTroupe folks at the start of the fall semester that my favorite reason for being a Christian was that, "I can be content either in a crowd or alone, because Jesus loves me." That is true, and the eight months at home are the reason why.

Similarly, I don't need the idea of romance any more. It has pained me for several years, because I held it as an idol. Now I've let it go. Someday I want very much to be married. But I do not think my desire for marriage compels God to give it to me, nor do I think that my attraction for any man compels him to like me. I have absolutely no control over the situation, and I have things God wants me to do. If romantic love comes, it will be a gift, but I will not abandon myself to waiting.