Life of Pride
I finished the film festival, learning far too much in the process ever to sum up neatly. I'm not sure, but I think I may have outgrown this blog. For so much of what I wrote before, all I have is stillness and wonder that I could have thought that. God has rearranged me, and I am glad for it.
In the next few months, I'll be making decisions about where to step next. I pray that God keeps me close. There is ever so much more to learn about Him.
Have I really not posted or checked blogdom for two months? Apparently. I must be living life instead. It's an amazing feeling.
I am so glad to be out of college. I am delighted to finally be testing my wings outside the homeschool community. I am just me, Sarah, no baggage attached except my own. No need to hide imperfection for fear it will reflect badly on the family "image" and therefore our entire livelihood. This adaptation between worlds has been a trip, and occasionally surreality still hits. Christ heals.
So much happening. Switching caregroups. Making this:
Moonlight Film Fest. Oh yes, and a badly sprained ankle that has given me a hiatus from martial arts. Where is life going? If you find out, let me know.
Ha. I am still so young and foolish that I don't even know what I don't know. Funny. Every once in a while I turn around, and I've grown in wisdom, and then I turn around again, and I am seriously lacking.
My biggest question right now is how to balance time and money appropriately. I have far too many things I want to do, and not enough time to do them in. I always find myself in that situation.
I've been thinking about this verse:
For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible to you. (Matthew 17:20)
There was a time I believed this verse simply and absolutely. I believed that I could pray, and things would move. Then I hit a few snags with prayers, when nothing seemed to be happening. Some of these apparent roadblocks still stand.
I understand a little better now. I notice that Jesus doesn't say that the mountain will
jump, only that it will move. He says nothing about its speed of movement. Some mountains take a lifetime, or many lifetimes, to shift their foundations. Nor does He promise that we ourselves will be able to see our mountains move. In fact, if we could see, we wouldn't have faith. Faith is the "evidence of things not seen."
When Whittaker Chambers became a Christian and left the Communist Party, he wrote that he joined the "losing side of history." And yet, partially in thanks to him and partially to many other brave souls, communism came crashing down in 1991. Chambers was already dead at that point, pushed into his grave early by sorrows and constant struggles.
How many things can we do if we give up our "right" to see results, if we die to all notions of profiting from success in this world? It seems awfully hard. But the truth is this: God is, and He delights to reward those who diligently seek Him. Everything is God's, and He may choose to give it out as He sees fit, in His timing. Whether I am rewarded now or in eternity is not my concern. Obedience is.
So, I might be learning Brazilian jiujitsu as well as TKD. I always wanted to learn jiujitsu. It's somewhat intimidating, since it involves grappling and trying to break people's limbs, but that is also what makes it actually useful for self-defense. 90% of fights end up on the ground, after all. My dojang is offering classes in this martial art after the TKD classes I normally attend on Mondays and Thursdays.
I am also going to go ahead and dive into the research for
Not A Creature of the State, the book I would love to complete.
I am unsure how much longer this blog will exist. I may remove it from the Internet entirely at some point in this next year, depending on when and if I become more publicly known.
Long day - twelve hours of driving. Another one tomorrow. Then Lil and I will be at the Grand Canyon. I can't imagine what it will look like or be like. I haven't ever really been out West, except for when we drove to Cali three years ago for big bro's wedding.
Nothing like a personal adventure thousands of miles away from work to put life into perspective.
Also, I had known that a large portion of my love language is tied up in touch, but I guess I had forgotten. I spent five days with family, and I found myself hugging or patting siblings and parents every time I saw them. I was so, so lonely these last months, but for now that terrible sensation has faded away.
One more week, and then back to work. I think I will be ready for routine by then, but for now it is wonderful to wander.
I find that I have 9.5 vacation days to use before the end of June. Counting in two weekends, this gives me just about two weeks. So I'm road-trippin'. Heading West, through Missouri and into the smoky, dusty deserts of the southwest. The plan is to wind up at the Grand Canyon, spend about four days there, and then wend my way back into New Mexico for a day of sightseeing and a friend's wedding. Then, back through MO, on to VA, and back to work.
I hope to grab my youngest sister, Lillie, on the way and treat her to an adventure with her oldest sister. That would be awesome.
Also, I am applying to Regent University's School of Communications and the Arts for fall of 2009. We will see what God does. It will have to be His story, because I do not possess the finances.
My life is very blessed and adventurous right now. I spent the weekend of 24-27 May in Louisville, KY for a conference called New Attitude. I sang my heart out to God with 3500 other young people and sat under the teaching of men like C.J. Mahaney and John Piper. I was able to share the time with one of my best friends, Ashlea D., which rendered me doubly blessed. And then this Memorial Day weekend I drove to VA Beach to visit Regent University for the Reel Dreams Film Festival final event. I saw God's hand all throughout both weekends.
The specifics attached to the generalities of my last post are that I have decided I would like to become more involved with my TKD dojang. I think I'll be living in this area another few years. So I'm allowing myself to dig in a bit. It's odd because I've been "temporary" for the last couple of years - first, eight months in MO, then senior year at PHC with no idea what was coming next. In a way, I had few roots anywhere when I graduated, thus the bizarre "homeless" feeling.
So anyway, this Saturday I work the PHC graduation in the morning and early afternoon, but by 2:00 I have to be at my dojang, wearing my dobak, for Kukkiwon black belt testing. Turns out I was never officially registered at the Kukkiwon in Korea, despite the fact that I have been a first-dan black belt for six years now. I need to get that official before I can push forward to second dan.
In prep for Saturday, I need to attend class as much as I can this week. I went to two classes in a row on Monday evening, and I'm doing the same tonight. Thursday, I'll go for my regular one hour. The second classes Mon/Wed are for instructors, one of whom I hope to become. Warmups for these higher-level classes begin by doing "ten tens," meaning that everyone falls down gracefully and safely, does ten crunches, ten leg lifts, and ten pushups - then repeats the whole set of exercises ten times total, as quickly as possible. After that, we proceed to other things. ;)
Needless to say, my abs protested yesterday and this morning at the slightest use. And I'm looking forward to tonight. ;) My TKD community is a good place to invest myself in loving others, especially those who don't know my Lord and Savior.
